Dung of the Day: 201 Montrose Avenue

March 22, 2007 ·
Filed under: Bum Shit, Dog Shit, Dung of the Day 

The pervasive theme this week (for me, anyway) is taxonomy. When not parsing through(and snickering at) petty quibbling over what constitutes ‘East Williamsburg’ versus what is Bushwick (don’t EVEN get me started on that whole ‘West Bushwick’ thing), I have been engaged in a friendly debate with Kevin Walsh (of Forgotten-NY) as to whether 128 Beadel Street is in ‘East Williamsburg’ or Greenpoint. As some of you may remember, this is where the coolest house EVER happens to be located. I do not think I need to state what my position on this topic is; it’s pretty obvious. (*cough* GREENPOINT *cough*)

All of this controversy has given one hell of a headache— which I will remedy with a can (or two) of Busweiser after I present today’s “Dung of the Day” hailing from 201 Montrose Avenue. Call it ‘East Williamsburg’, call it Bushwick— it makes no difference: both are full of shit. Literally, that is.

201 Montrose Avenue

What is remarkable about this turd is its placement atop of a 1 1/2 to 2 foot tall snowdrift. The canine (or homo sapiens) who discharged this big ‘un must be pretty tall— and clearly cannot shit and chew gum at the same time.

Miss Heather

P.S.: I had to tease you Kevin, it was simply too tempting. No offense intended. 🙂

This isn’t new, but it’s news to me…

March 22, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

During the lengthy stroll I took earlier this week I not only discovered a new book store in my ‘hood, but I found a new(iSH) kitchen supply store on Lorimer Street (in Williamsburg) called “The Brooklyn Kitchen”.

The Brooklyn Kitchen

I didn’t have time to check them out, but I did take a look at their web site and it looks very interesting. Not only do they sell some seriously nice stuff (one can only buy so much cookware from the Dee & Dee), but they offer cooking classes and their blog offers up some nifty recipes accompanied with lip-smacking photos. I think I will have to give their potato ginger samosas a whirl.

I’m not too sure what the “Knock Your Boots” sign in the front door means, but this is a very nice development nonetheless…

The Brooklyn Kitchen
616 Lorimer St. Corner of Skillman Ave.
Brooklyn NY 11211
718.389.2982 phone
718.389.2981 fax
www.thebrooklynkitchen.com

Miss Heather

Looks like someone forgot to take their pill…

March 21, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Today I had to make a quick trip to Manhattan to run an errand. I was totally not in the mood to go out, but the following poster (which can be found on the Queens-bound platform at the Greenpoint Avenue stop of the G train) made the trek totally worth it.

Greenpoint Avenue Subway Poster

Be sure to check out the ‘Detail’ photo for maximum effect.

Looks like someone isn’t a morning person…

Miss Heather

Props to the “Poop Report”

March 21, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

When I recounted my rather unpleasant (and downright dangerous) experience at the McGolrick Park bathroom recently, I had no idea that it would strike a chord with so many people. I was (and still am) pretty surprised by the number of comments I received. On a whim (and per the recommendation of one commentor), I forwarded my tale of woe to The Poop Report.

Not only did the peeps at ‘Poop’ feature my story, but it would appear that I am a hero to a number of their readers. “Thunderous Crapper 36” raves:

Splendid act of turd terrorism there young lady you are to be commended. Dave is there some kind of medal of honor to give her? After all she did teach two absolute idiots a lesson I hope. A public toilet should be cleaned BETTER than you would clean your own just by the sheer number of people who use it!

“Anonymous” concurred:

This is probably the cleanest incident of turd terrorism on record. Kind of like a bio-weapon attack. — can’t see the poop but it’s there!

“Bunga Din” (whose screen name is fucking BRILLIANT – Ed. note) waxed poetic:

NastyASSity is the mother of invention, great report Miss Heather!!!
I guess if I was German I could say of your title: The city so nice, she named it sheisse!

And lastly, “Anal about Poop” applauded my ingenuity:

Ahhh, New York Shitty. It takes a special kind of someone to love that city. That was some ingenious thinking MH. I would have settled for the ATM receipts.

Thank you Poop Report! Your readers have helped me to understand that my ordeal was not about utter humiliation or a brush with mortality: it is a tale of triumph and defiance in the face of worthless lazy public servants.

Miss Heather

At last, the shoe is on the other foot…

March 21, 2007 ·
Filed under: Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

Links

…and I wanna ram it up someone’s ass!

I initially had no intention of writing today. I had a number of errands to run and preparations to make for an upcoming house guest. I have been very busy. I am now very tired. But not too tired to read this article from the New York Observer and offer up a thought or two…

I distinctly remember an unpleasant incident that happened to me seven years ago. I was chatting with a co-worker and the subject of neighborhoods came up. He asked me where I lived, so I told him: “Greenpoint”. His reply was “Man, you live out in the middle of nowhere!

After learning that this person lived off of the Morgan Avenue stop of the L (and saw fit call it “Williamsburg”) I realized that I had an asshole on my hands. A phony asshole. Not being the kind of person to waste her breath on an idiot, the subject was never brought up again. It was just as well; I was vindicated on 9/11 when this dude (and two other co-workers) made a pit-stop at my apartment on Clay Street, AKA ‘the middle of nowhere’, before dragging his ass home to ‘Williamsburg’. Or whatever the fuck that neighborhood is— I honestly don’t care.

Before I continue I want to make one thing very clear: the purpose of this post is not to ‘B-Burg bash. Hypocrisy, one up-manship and conformity are the subjects of this rant. And the person mentioned in the above paragraph was guilty of all three. He was also a flaming dick, but I digress…

I am neither an old-timer nor a newbie here. When I moved to Greenpoint in 2000 it was because my first two neighborhoods of choice were prohibitively expensive. Greenpoint, choice #3, not only provided fast access to Manhattan, but it is safe and has all the basics an apartment dweller needs: grocery stores, laundromats, etc. My moving here was based on very practical considerations.

I did (and still do) not want to live in or near a dangerous neighborhood to earn street cred with people I could care less about. ‘Coolness’ was NOT a deciding factor. I am not now— nor will I ever be “cool”. I have accepted this.

After living in Greenpoint my first year I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. I feel at home here, and consequently, I have been able to laugh off the years of snide remarks and mean-spirited ignorance that living here seems to invite. If someone in ‘Williamsburg’, ‘East Williamsburg’, ‘West Bushwick’, etc., doesn’t like my ‘nabe, FINE. Don’t move here. I don’t want you as my neighbor anyway.

The previous having been said, dear readers, you can imagine the look on my face when I read about ‘Jessica’:

…who refused to give her last name but admitted that she moved to the neighborhood (Williamsburg), off the Bedford Avenue stop, from Virginia two years ago.

“I can’t tell people I’m from Williamsburg,” she told The Observer. “It gets people so uptight; all ‘Oooooo, you’re from Williamsburg, and where’s your Brooklyn Industries bag and your trust fund and your newsboy cap, hmmm?’ So I just lie and say I’m from Greenpoint.”

I think ‘Jessica’ needs to learn something I (finally) grasped back in 2000: this city is filled with assholes who are not worth the time trying to ‘convert’. It really saddens me that this woman feels the need to buckle under peer pressure. I mean, fuck, if you can’t be yourself who are you? Really?
If given the money would I live in her ‘hood? No. But I do like to pop down there on occasion? You betcha! Do I make fun of Williamsburg? Yes, a lot. I also make fun of Greenpoint, Long Island City, the Upper East Side, Park Slope, Prospect Heights or any other ‘nabe that tickles my funny bone (or piques my ire) on any particular day.

Several months ago my mouth got me into a pickle with a resident of Long Island City. This woman emphatically disagreed with my (admittedly) vitriolic take on her ‘nabe. Did she go around saying that she lived in ‘Greenpoint North’ or ‘Astoria South’ after reading what I wrote? Nope. She ripped me a new asshole on her blog instead.

Believe it or not (after we had some serious ‘dialoguing’) I gained a serious measure of respect for this woman’s willingness to stand up. Perhaps this is the person who should have a nice, long talk with ‘Jessica’? Or maybe I will start calling my ‘nabe ‘Long Island City South’ instead…?

Miss Heather

Photo Credit: Rebecca1122. Those ain’t turds, kiddos. They be some kielbasa! Welcome to Greenpoint, BAYBEE!

Anyone lose a bone?

March 20, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic 

Stay Hungry for Bonez

A rawhide bone, that is.

If you happen to live in far north Greenpoint and lost your 12″ long bone, don’t worry: I found it.

Bone

I discovered this hilarious item while getting a cup of coffee this morning. What really puzzles me is that I know of no dog owners in the immediate area. I used to think that one of our neighbors had a dog, but I later figured out it was one of their children. I am not kidding. Maybe it’s his?

Needless to say, this oddity has been added to my “Backdoor Crapstavaganza“.

Miss Heather

Bushwick don’t like dog shit

March 20, 2007 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit Signage 

When I got up this morning and saw how beautiful it was outside I knew there was no way in hell I could keep my ass parked in front of a computer. So instead of attending to the ginormous backlog of things I need to do, I went for a nice two hour stroll.

Man, am I glad I did. My spring fever/laziness netted me one of the finest dog shit signs I have seen to date!

165 Montrose Avenue Dog Shit Sign

This masterpiece can be found at 165 Montrose Avenue. God, make this dude was my Super…

Miss Heather

At last, Greenpoint gets some good news!

March 20, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Today I am very pleased to announce the opening of a new business here in Greenpoint— and the answer to my prayers…

Word

AN HONEST-TO-GOD BOOKSTORE!

I’ll be frank: when I noticed the phrase “Kids’ Stuff” on the facade I started to get really turned off. But I overcame my apprehension and went inside to discover… books for big kids.

In English, no less!

Miss Heather gives this development two enthusiastic thumbs up. Go check them out, they just got a big shipment of books today!

Word Books
126 Franklin Street
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718) 383-0096

www.wordbrooklyn.com

Clinton Hill Represents

March 18, 2007 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit 

The one thing that constantly amazes me about the dog shit problem in New York Shitty is that many people will complain about it, but few, very few, will actually step up to the plate. Shit or get off the pot— or more accurately, PUT UP OR SHUT UP!

I have parsed through enough chat rooms (where Brooklynites piss and moan ad nauseum about unattended dog poo in their respective ‘hoods) to become a bona fide shit cynic. Perhaps even a dog shit snob. “How bad can it possibly be in comparison to, say, Dupont Street, McGuinness Boulevard or THIS?” I ask myself. With good reason: Magic Johnson may very well pimp fund much of my block to build luxury condos, but I doubt he has enough ‘magic’ to motivate canines and humanoids not defecate here. And they do. A LOT.

My inner ‘Doubting Thomas’ was confirmed by the numerous comments I encountered from Prospect Heighters that had a distinctly vigilante tone, e.g.; take the offender’s picture and post it online, etc. Dime store Dirty Harrys (of dog shit). I have no doubt that these idle threats were issued from the comfort of air-conditioned (and dog shit free) cubicles contained within the numerous corporate dungeons that populate our fine city. The last time I went to Prospect Heights I got the distinct impression that it had become Park Slope Lite: a Park Slope for people too light on cash to live in Park Slope.* But I digress…

I, the Dog Shit Queen of Greenpoint, prefer to condemn the behavior, not the person— and get a few chuckles along the way. Which brings me to…

last week when Robin Lester of the Clinton Hill Blog responded to my solicitation for shit. She wrote:

Haven’t forgotten about sending the pics! I took a good crop this morning, so I should be able to send them tonight w/ info.

And she delivered:

All (were) taken on the west side of Waverly Avenue between Lafayette and Willoughby (2 blocks only), Clinton Hill, Brooklyn.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the area in question, here it is:

Clinton Hill Shit

And here is what she sent me…

Clinton Hill one

One shit.

Clinton Hill two

Two shits.

Clinton Hill three

Three shits…

Clinton Hill four

Four!

Clinton Hill five

Five turds, six turds, seven turds and…

Clinton Hill six

Much…

Clinton Hill seven

Much…

Clinton Hill eight

More!

Clinton Hill nine

Miss Heather

*This criticism is NOT directed at the earning power of Prospect Heights residents. I could care less about that (and I am undoubtedly much more poor than they are anyway). I hate the attitude— and the stroller moms. This ‘nabe is INCREDIBLY cool in its own right— why sully it by affecting Park Slope manners?

P.S.: Robin, give a shout out to Rosie Perez for me if/when you see her. She is fabulous. And, oh yeah, thanks for the shit!

Reach out and touch someone…

March 18, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Ivana Trumpski

This morning I read a tale (via my email) that MUST be shared with the general public. “John” wrote:

…I’ve been on Kent between Franklin & Manhattan for ten years and believe I’ve found my spiritual home in our retarded little corner of Brooklyn.

My favorite sight by far was late last summer, when one of the bumskis was pissing OVER the pay phones onto the subway stairs by the newstand/Greenpoint Deli. At about 3:30 PM. On a Wednesday.

That one pretty much left me speechless…

Dude, that one leaves me speechless. After mulling over the physics required to pull off such a feat (and the conclusion I came to was that this bum must have ‘equipment’ like this guy), I came to the realization that some poor soul probably got a really nasty surprise when he/she exited the subway station. Speaking as someone who has been shit on the head by a pigeon (during my lunch hour no less), I understand the stages of grief that come with being used as a human pissoir:

  1. DENIAL: Is it raining? Maybe it’s just condensation from an air conditioner…
  2. ANGER: Aw FUCK, that burns! A pigeon did a deuce on my head! I fuggin’ hate pigeons!
  3. BARGAINING: Maybe no one at work will notice it. I will sneak back into the office and wash it out in the bathroom. No one will be the wiser.
  4. DEPRESSION: Nah, that bitch receptionist in our office will notice. She has undoubtedly been praying for this to happen for months.
  5. ACCEPTANCE: I will go back to the office and shampoo my head with hand soap. I will be utterly humiliated. This is unavoidable.

The receptionist did indeed derive a lot of pleasure from my suffering. My experience circulated through the entire office… and several weeks later this very same woman was sent home (and docked pay) because she was thirty minutes late to work (again). The lesson to be learned from my tale (if there is one) is this: when the Assistant Manager (your titular bossREAD: me) gets shit on the head by a pigeon, keep your goddamned laughter to yourself.

Miss Heather

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