Now For Rent In Ridgewood…

November 19, 2013 ·
Filed under: 11385, BAD ASS, Queens, Ridgewood, Ridgewood Queens, Wow, WTF 

Cl2bedroom

Living Room with neon and bar stools

Hall of mirrors

bitchin kitchen!

This. I have tried— and tried— to find the words to describe what you have just seen. Thankfully the owner of this apartment has been lavish with the photo-documentation. What these pictures have to say is way more than the proverbial 1,000 words. Note “the value-added” in the manner of a disco ball (and what appears to be laundry) hanging in the living room. Simply magnificent! Best to simply check out this listing check out the screengrabs and behold the, um, glory for yourself.  You will not be disappointed!

Special props go out to Diana Gee for stumbling upon this gem. Simply amazing.

UPDATE, 10:19 pm: For shits and giggles I emailed our landlord informing him that we were breaking our lease because we found our dream home in Ridgewood. Follows is his reply:

email

 

Very astute observation. As you can plainly see, gentle readers, some landlords do have a sense of humor. Conclusion: if this apartment has a soundtrack (and a gnarly HiFI system is undoubtedly among its manifold amenities) it would be something by the Eagles. Or better yet this:

Honorable mention: the Miami Vice theme song.

UPDATE, November 20th, 2013: It has been brought to my attention that if one “Googles” the phone numbers listed on this advert, some mighty interesting results come up. Follows is yours truly’s personal favorite.

Millionaires Palace>

This listing truly is the gift that keeps on giving. Cheers!

New York Shitty Videos Du Jour: Live From CB5

October 10, 2013 ·
Filed under: 11385, Gentrification, Maspeth, Maspeth Queens 

(Or: Somebody gets it!)

Straight up: do I relish someone stating that she does not want her community to become another Greenpoint? Not, not really. Although the truth can and does hurt, this lady is correct on all counts. It was pretty obvious to me the evening prior these fellows do not care. No matter how they care to spin it, the fact of the matter is they plan to import a client base and that client base will largely not care about what impact their behavior will have on the community. I have seen just this thing here many, many times before.

In closing I want to applaud:

  1. Mr. Giordano for his tactful manner of outlining the various, um, “behaviors” which have been documented at this establishment.
  2. Community Board 5 Queens for unanimously voting this endeavor down.

Well Done!

Video Credits: Nutrichris.

Live From Community Board 5!

October 9, 2013 ·
Filed under: 11385, Maspeth, Maspeth Queens, Queens 

wazzupCB5

IMG_1967

IMG_1969

(Or: Heather Goes To Glendale)

I’ll be brutally honest: I have been burned out of Community Board 1 (Brooklyn) of late. So much so that I felt a staycation was in order. Having a budget of $29.00 limits one’s options.

agendaCB5

No worries. Thanks to Queens Crap, I found a way to while away the evening. CASE IN POINT: item number one. To reiterate:

A discussion of concerns about the Knockdown Center at 52-19 Flushing Avenue, potentially having events with 600+ people and selling alcoholic beverages at this former factory site.

To preface— and speaking as a Community Board 1 resident, we have had many meetings regarding the “concerns” of residents who have beheld the aftermath of events entailing large amounts of people and alcohol. It isn’t pretty.

What you have just watched, gentle readers (hopefully of Community Board 5 Queens), was the aftermath of an Open Space Alliance North Brooklyn concert at East River State Park. The band in question was Widespread Panic. And their patrons, with the help of a vendor dispensing nitrous oxide via balloons, made it just that: wide spread panic. The FDNY was called in to the confiscate the gas.

It is the ostensible mission of the Open Space Alliance North Brooklyn to advocate and fund-raise so as to make improvements to our parks. Nonetheless, this melee did get its hearing— and they simply relocated their concerts further north. Same shit, different location. Keep this in mind when you watch the following footage. I wish I could be apologetic about the snarky comments— but I am not. I hail from a Community Board where even ping pong table tennis parlors want to serve spirits. And of course there’s the recent shit show regarding Urban Outfitters. Enjoy!

Part I: Introduction

  • The SLA (State Liquor Authorty) allows four events a year.
  • “We have not been denied but we have have exceeded what their guidance is” Mr. Myers says. (In other words: we have to do this)
  •  He goes on to continues (regarding temporary SLA permits) “It is four but I do not think it is hard four”.  (It is — Ed. Note.)
  • Concerns about this facility being a nightclub are raised by the chair.
  • “We will not be a club”, Tyler Myers says. Then he sees fit to enlighten his audience as to what an “arts center” is. As defined by Wikipedia:

“art centre or arts center is distinct from an art gallery or art museum. An arts centre is a functional community centre with a specific remit to encourage arts practice and to provide facilities such as theatre space, gallery space, venues for musical performance, workshop areas, educational facilities, technical equipment, etc.[1]
In the United States, “art centers” are generally either establishments geared toward exposing, generating, and making accessible art making to arts-interested individuals, or buildings that rent primarily to artists, galleries, or companies involved in art making.

  • I want to thank Mr. Myers for informing me, an artist, third generation, as to what an artists’ center is. I clearly have missed out on many a dance party.
  • Per Mr. Myers a liquor license is normal for an “arts center” then he cites MOMA, The “Met”, Lincoln Center, etc., as examples. Um, the last I checked all of these are in Manhattan.
  • Now we’re back to sustaining and maintaining this beautiful building. E.g.; if you do not let us have this, we’ll throw our toys out of the pram and tear it down.
  • Parking lots are discussed. Rather good to know since this is not located anywhere near mass transit.

Part II: David Sklar Speaks

  • “Tearing it down was the only thing we could come down to…”
  • (when questioned about the property being used as an industrial space) Mr. Sklar states that is was mostly used as a place to warehouse material made elsewhere and this would involve them having “containers on the property and he felt it could be “better utilized”.
  • He gives a history of his business, albeit he gets the whole Manhattan Avenue/Queens Midtown Tunnel thing wrong.
  • Mr. Sklar is asked to identify the property he owns on a map. After some assistance he does. For what it is worth, Mr. Sklar, I’d be equally challenged. But then again, I am simply a “visitor” and not part of the “Maspeth community”.

Part III: Q & A

  • The cost of overhauling this space is kicked up from $10,000 to six figures.
  • How is the Knockdown Center having events? Via Robertas which is apparently “just down the road”.

View Larger Map

Part V: Q & A, Continued

  • How the Knockdown Center procures/provides beer and wine is discussed further.
  • Has a Cab License been applied for? (Answer: no)
  • Questions about this facility’s proximity to a residential area are raised.
  • A question about their target market is raised. My observation/personal experience: if you find yourself asking if an event is a carry-over of the McCarren Pool concerts, it probably is.

Part VI: Q & A Continued (Or: The Blonde Lady Nails It!)

Regrettably I did not film her speech. Human error on my “smart phone”. But I can summarize it!

  • When industrial spaces are used for other purposes…

robertas

  • The rents go up and other industrial businesses are forced out.
  • Hence there is more demand for industrial space than supply.
  • But of course, more money can be made by David Sklar and his buddies by having an “art center” and MINIGOLF FOR THE MASSES!

New York Shitty Analysis:

Same song, different verse. I know the tune all too well.

Perhaps the Argentos, investors in this endeavor— and my community— would be so kind to explain about how the following will (further) uplift the Maspeth community?

Security

Can’t honestly say I have ever seen this at MOMA…

This goes out

or this at Lincoln Center, for that matter. Perhaps I am going at the wrong time?

We fuck anywhere

It’s rather convenient that the Knockdown Center has incorporated— albeit under a different address for same-said property. Five days earlier.

Entity InformationKnockdown Center_Page_1

 

WAKE UP Community 5 Queens. If do you do not establish policy now, you’ll reap what my community leaders have sewn. Why else do you think these bozos want to have this in your community? Mine got fed up with this shit a long time ago.

FWrave

 

P.S.: Um, didn’t they say something about no raves? Hmm…

New York Shitty Photo Du Jour: New York Post

NYPostNYS

Yes Sir: there are few things scarier than the New York Post. Well done!

(From Bleecker Street.)

From The New York Shitty Inbox: Another One

September 4, 2013 ·
Filed under: 11237, 11385, Bushwick, Bushwick Brooklyn, Ridgewood, Ridgewood Queens 

vito063

My tipster writes:

It’s gotten to the point that I start thinking about what’s waiting for me in my mailbox when I am on the train. What will I do next Wednesday?

From The New York Shitty Inbox: Howdy Neighbor!

September 3, 2013 ·
Filed under: 11237, 11385, Bushwick, Bushwick Brooklyn, Ridgewood, Ridgewood Queens 

Howdy Neighbor

 

Choice quote:

To improve city services in our neighborhoods and bring needed city resources into our community, I have decided to run for city council.

It has been noted by my tipster (the recipient of this missive) that Mr. Lopez was never, in fact his/her Assemblyman. That distinction goes to Ms. Cathy Nolan. Whoops.

In any case this is the stuff night terrors are made of folks…

There’s an old ugly lech in the neighborhood, an old ugly lech is a neighbor…Would you be mine, could you be mine…won’t you be my intern?

The Latest Vito Lopez Mailer: Monopoly

(As left, by yours truly, next to a colossal explosion of human excrement on Melrose Street)

VITOemployingMonopolyNYS

As you can see Vito “Gropez” Lopez has employed imagery from the game Monopoly. I for one find this more than a little appropriate.

Get_out_of_Jail_Free_for_the_Win_Wallpaper_JxHy (1)HELLOVITO

After all, Mr. Gropez  has for all intents and purposes received a get out of jail free card. Do NOT even get me started on what Vito probably thinks constitutes the “Community Chest”

NYPO8212013

From The New York Shitty Inbox, Part II: A Candidate For The People?

August 21, 2013 ·
Filed under: 11237, 11385, Bushwick, Bushwick Brooklyn, Ridgewood, Ridgewood Queens 

mailerpage1

Mailerpage2

Here’s the latest bit of campaign literature hilarity courtesy of Vito “Gropez” Lopez. Now he is apparently the “people” candidate. Well, I suppose if one does not consider women to be people this could work. I suppose this is why Mr. Gropez thinks $330,000 worth of fines for sexual harassment is excessive and intends to fight it in court

From The New York Shitty Inbox: More From Ridgewood

Gropez Mailer 1

Gropez Mailer 2

I arrived home from today’s peregrinations to find another piece of campaign “literature” from Vito “Gropez” Lopez in my inbox. Here’s what my tipster had to say about it:

The latest from Vito. Too bad there’s no reference anywhere to any of these events actually happening.

New York Shitty analysis:

medianincomeinbushwick

Reader Contribution Du Jour: A Proven Record Of Achievement

heyladiesVitowantsyourvoteNYS

Gropez truly is the gift that keeps on giving. In this case a “birthday card” sent to a woman in the 34th City Council District— a month late. As you can see she has taken this missive in good humor (and context). Vito writes:

I wish that for every extra candle on your cake, you receive an extra reason to smile. Happy Birthday to you!

That “come hither” look and comb-over. Wow, just wow.