The Word On The Street, Part III: NYS

NYS

From Knickerbocker Avenue.

The Word On The Street, Part II: A South 6 Street PSA

south6street

Taken January 30, 2013.

New York Shitty Photos Du Jour: Caption This

I see a number of fascinating things when I am out and about. This is especially true of the manifold number of demolition/construction sites in my fair burgh. It has been yours truly’s observation that sidewalk sheds seem to be an invitation for some engage in activities he/she would otherwise refrain from had not the additional privacy been provided.

CASE IN POINT: What I happened upon on North 7th Street today.

A black leather briefcase with some valued added in the way of a super-sized bottle of Ketel One vodka and…

a heaping helping of (what appears to be) human feces. I have long hoped some day during my peregrinations I’d stumble upon a briefcase full of cash. Clearly the universe had something decidedly different in mind. Nonetheless, wishing to share the joy, I forwarded this choice find to Pa Heather. I did so in the hope he would give it a snappy title. I wrote (in an email entitled “I saw something interesting on my walk today”:

A briefcase with some “value added” in the way of human feces. Repulsive and yet hilarious. It smelled worse than it looks. Care to take a stab at captioning this? I’m drawing a blank…

Sure enough, I got a response:

You have an eye for shit.

To wit I replied:

I don’t look for the shit, the shit looks for me…

While this opportunity for father/daughter bonding is precious (and it is— Pa Heather knows his shit), it still does not solve my craptastic caption conundrum.

Care to take a stab at it, gentle readers?

From The New York Shitty Inbox: Something Truly Shitty

August 11, 2012 ·
Filed under: 11222, Dog Shit, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

A fellow we’ll call “G” writes:

Dear Miss Heather,

Love your blog. Is there anyway you would could reblog my blog about my apartment, 110 Green Street. I’d like to inform others not to live here and just how crappy the management is here.

viridianbrooklyn.tumblr.com
If not, no hard feelings. Thanks and keep up the good work.

As it would happen, I myself have had the pleasure of receiving a photo of the above-depicted bit of gastronomic distress.

Here it is. The taker of this photograph opines:

Here’s one for your blog. This tasty display of canine explosive diarrhea was discovered in the “lounge” of the Viridian. I’m guessing by the presence of the “Caution!” sign that the dog’s owner has no plans to clean it up. But that’s just the kind of considerate behavior that I’ve come to expect from my neighbors.

Here’s another pair of photos this individual has see fit to send yours truly. Along with commentary.

Check it out… This is the hallway window on my floor. It is hanging out of the wall. (See next picture)

This shows the separation between the window and the wall. The area showing the view across the street is completely open to the outside.

It should be noted this person also informed me that following the fireworks/beer tossing incident on July 4th (which resulted in a police helicopter buzzing the area and generally scaring the bejezzus out of folks), the management of this building issued a memo informing tenants of the rules regarding use of the roof (as seen at the beginning of this post) and that surveillance cameras were installed so as to catch anyone using it without permission. These were promptly rendered non-functional.

Yes sir, it would appear the Viridian has some rather serious problems. Those of you wishing to have a staycation, have the odd $137.00 to burn and wish to see this shit show firsthand might be interested to know a resident of the Viridian is renting her penthouse apartment via airbnb. Otherwise I recommend checking out “G’s” documentation of the train wreck that is 110 Green Street”. It’s something else.*

UPDATE, August 12,2012: There appears to two websites dedicated to 110 Green Street. Behold, Viridian Gripes! I for one found the latest poll rather illuminating.

*Not to suggest I am surprised that the “quality” of construction at this luxury building has become an issue.

I’m not.

MARK YOUR CALENDARS: Citizens Committee Earth Day Press Conference

There are a number of events this upcoming Earth Day weekend. I will endeavor to list a few on this site. However, this one (which comes courtesy of a fabulous fellow named Willie) strikes a special chord with yours truly. Let’s compost some crap, North Brooklynites! God only knows we have enough of the stuff…

Citizens Committee Earth Day Press Conference
Sunday, April 22, 2012 starting at 11:00 a.m.
Hudson River Park Dog Run
New York, New York 10014

From The New York Shitty Inbox: Scat Attack At McGolrick Park?

I should have curbed my dogA person we’ll call “S” writes:

Miss Heather,

About a month or so ago, my girlfriend & I were walking our puppy on Driggs Avenue after visiting the McGolrick Dog Run. It’s pretty normal to see other people walking their dogs and to allow them to sniff each other and so forth. On this occasion however, a young woman with her small poodle was walking by and even though our dog was a safe distance and on a leash, this woman quickly stood between her and her dog and said very forcibly, “Stay away from my dog!” I laughed a little because I was kind of shocked by her random behavior and she immediately started yelling at us about how wrong it was for us not to rescue a shelter dog. We were just kind of startled and walked away, basically wondering WTF? A few days later, I was walking our dog and this girl and her dog were coming in the other direction and she just started yelling at me to “keep my fucking ugly ass dog away from her dog”. I never allowed my dog to come within touching distance of her dog and so I kind of giggled out of frustration and a bit of amusement that this stranger wants to pick a fight with me every time we pass. I’m pretty sure that she lives on the same block as me. So a week passes and I see her again and she makes these very awkward angry, silent mouth gestures at me and I couldn’t help saying, “Lady, you’re a nut”.

And then this morning, at 7am in McGolrick Park we are once again passing each other with our dogs and even though my dog is at least three feet away from her dog, she’s starts yelling to “Get your fucking dog away from my dog…” and the same rant about not rescuing a shelter dog.  I told her to “Fuck off” and she picked up her dogs diarrhea with aplastic bag and tried to throw it at my dog. He got hit with the bag, but fortunately not with the shit. There were other dog owners nearby that seemed pretty dumbfounded by the whole interaction and demanded that she clean up the shit that was now all over the park’s walk way. She also said that she has filed a complaint with 311 every time that my dog has gotten too close to her dog and these complaints will add up to my dog getting put down. I’m not laughing anymore. This woman is making my blood boil. I continued on our walk and after about 15 minutes, she walks towards me and says, “Have a great day!” I respond with, “If you ever throw shit at me or my dog again, I will not just stand by and let it happen”. She says, “Oh, that’s great, you’re threatening me” and so she calls 911. I already had a headache this morning and I wasn’t about to stand around and let her feel any more satisfied with her wackjob behavior so I quickly took my dog home and went to work. 

Here I am at work wondering what kind of false accusations this woman is making to the police. Should I file a police report for her throwing dog shit at me? Should I ignore it all? This is certainly one of the strangest things to happen to me in NYC over the past 10+ years.  I’m asking you for advice because you know the neighborhood well and I just don’t know how to proceed.

Thoughts/advice, gentle readers? Quite frankly I’m speechless.

Photo credits (once again): murdoc

Spotted On West Street: Puppy Love

This morning yours truly woke up in a churlish mood. This was further exacerbated by a walk down West Street. It was there I noticed the subject of my Poo Corner Project, a ground-breaking experiment in behavior modification, had reverted back to his rather unpleasant habit of saturation bombing the sidewalk with dog shit. I decided action was necessary and to this end procured some supplies including but not limited to my usual war chest of sidewalk chalk and glitter; a piece of poster board and Conversation Hearts. I felt a Valentine’s Day theme was in order.

A stencil was made, glitter poured and the bag of confectionery goodness opened.

Noting the relevance of this one, I decided its placement on one of the showcased shits was crucial.

Pick me.

As I was completing my project a young man and woman stopped to look at my handiwork. They were quite amused and wanted to know what gives. I tendered a brief summary of the Poo Corner Project while pointing out the heart stating “puppy love”. To wit one of my new friends replied:

That’s what I am feeling right now.

and went on the explain he was a student at Baruch College and was soon to begin military service in the Marines. I told him the former was really laudable and the latter really sweet. In return he asked me for my phone number. Not wishing to hurt his feelings I let him down gently:

If was not married I’d gladly give it to you. Chicks who cover dog shit with glitter tend to go pretty fast.

Upon noticing I was ascribing a date to this dung he kindly offered the time from his cell phone: 2:16 p.m. I thanked him but added that I didn’t think it wasn’t necessary. However, we unanimously agreed this work of art needed a title. So I gave it one.

This one’s for you, Jamal!

Merry Christmas From New York Shitty!

Christmas came early to Greenpoint in the manner of this gargantuan mound of merde from (where else?) Poo Corner.

Am I disappointed by this development? No, not really. It proved to be an ice-breaker with a lady who has the dubious honor of living across the street from this delightful item. She inquired as to what I was doing. I explained my project to her. She was pleased and wished me a Merry Christmas. Nothing unites Greenpointers in brotherly (and sisterly) love like shit.

Rather, my anxiety was over the proper arrangement of the flatware. I possess a copy of Amy Vanderbilt’s Everyday Etiquette but I did not have it handy at the time. It’s rather hefty. What’s more the only reason I keep it— and many other less lofty publications, for that matter— is/are for the pictures.* So I had to improvise.

Version 1

Version 2

Before I could type so much as “Wikipedia” the Mister looked over my shoulder and said:

You got it wrong. Forks go on the other side of the knife.

So there have you.

I hope Ms. Vanderbilt can see fit to forgive me for my breach of etiquette. She never had the pleasure of knowing Greenpoint replete in all its (brown) glory. She also did not live to see— much less taste— the miracle that is “Whipped Lightning”. It is the “Strawberry Colada” variety which graces this turd a la mode. Most importantly, I strongly suspect Ms. Vanderbilt did not have a neighbor who saw fit to grace her community with i-Pad sized piles of shit.

Does one uncivilized act (E.G.; not scooping one’s poop) justify another (not arranging flatware properly)?

I’ll leave it to you, gentle readers— and her, to make a final judgement in the meantime, Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays!

*Before he became famous Andy Warhol earned a living as an illustrator. He was a very good too!

 

The Poo Corner Project: Mission Accomplished!

Yes gentle readers, you read me correctly. The “Poo Corner Project”— a ground-breaking experiment in behavior modification— is officially over. At least for the time being. The last gargantuan grogan found by yours truly was on December 8th (as seen below).

After this nothing. For those of you keeping count this makes over a week of turd-free sidewalks.

As for what was the deciding factor that motivated our poopetrator to cease his (her?) rather unneighborly habit of strafing these sidewalks with shit, only he knows for certain. Was it the Sugar Plum fairies (as seen above)? I doubt it. Was it the rather churlish missives left by a fellow malcontent? Quite possibly. Or was my appeal to national pride which proved to be the tipping point? I for one can only hope so.

However, it’s been my observation there are some questions best left unanswered. This may very be one such case. We Greenpointers (and our guests via the East River Ferry) should simply be happy we can walk down this stretch of sidewalk with some assurance our feet, eyes and most importantly NOSES will not be assaulted by dog bombs. Is there still room for improvement? ABSOLUTELY. Case in point:

There is still a great deal of rubbish to be found here. Among other things. I can only hope our friends at the Department of Sanitation can help us sort this out.

Regardless, here is some footage of the new and (somewhat) improved “Poo Corner” as shot by yours truly today. Enjoy!

But what would a behavior modification experiment be without employing the “carrot” as well as the “stick”? Not a very good one, I say! So to wrap things up I dusted off my sidewalk chalk and left a few words of encouragement— and a warning.

Greenpoint Street Art du Jour: PULL

From “Poo Corner”.*

*Whose “activity”, while not completely eradicated, has seriously diminished.

This makes only one shit (and a somewhat stealthy one at that) in four days.