Greenpoint
Cafe Cito Bogota
Treasure this way ——–> Code Brown
Filed under: Dog Shit
Yesterday evening when I left my apartment to check out what is left of the Greenpoint Terminal Market I discovered that our Superintendent’s daughter had been quite busy decorating our sidewalk with chalk drawings. I am not a person who is big on kids, but I have to admit that the mural she created was damned cute. Aside from writing “I (heart) NY” over and over, she wrote more cryptic messages, like the one below.
As I proceeded down the sidewalk towards Franklin, however, this message took on an entirely different meaning: from 143 to 101 Green Street I came across a bounty of ‘sidewalk spuds’. Be advised that this is the short list; I have excluded turds that are already documented (and are still to be found at this location).
I have never caught anyone in the act, but I have a pretty clear idea of who the offenders are. One need not be Sherlock Holmes (or even Inspector Clouseau) to observe that ALL of this dog shit is localized in front and adjacent to lofts where dogs (and their owners) reside. This is not conjecture on my part; I have seen the owners and their dogs hanging out in front of these buildings many, many times.
I know very little about the people who live in these lofts aside from the fact that most (if not all) are hipsters in their 20′s and are clearly from out-of-state. It is probably not unreasonable to surmise that their rent is being subsidized, if not paid for outright, by their parents.
That said, I seriously doubt their parents (and the community organizations they undoubtedly belong to) back in suburban wherever would look kindly on this behavior. Why should it be any different here?
Perhaps these peeps have always had someone to pick up their shit and wipe their bottoms?
Perhaps they are acting out because mommy and daddy do not love them enough to pony up the money needed to live on Bedford Avenue?
Perhaps they were raised by wolves?
NAH!
I’m chocking this up to LAZINESS and ENTITLEMENT. Wake up and smell the dog shit. It’s time to grow up and assume some shred of responsibility kiddos!
Dung of the Day
Filed under: Dung of the Day
I found this beauty at Franklin Street and Greenpoint Avenue. I gotta tell you, the soiled paper towel (???) serves only to make this sight even more disgusting.
Been woefully negligent of this blog the last few days— but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been doing my homework! More to follow soon, but tonight I’ll be following the news regarding today’s fire at the Greenpoint Terminal. (*cough* ARSON *cough*)
Dung of the Day: Huron St.
Filed under: Dung of the Day
I took a friend of mine from out of town around the neighborhood today. Needless to say, I saw my fair share of butt dumplings, but this one took the cake. I found this gargantuan choad on Huron Street between Manhattan Avenue and Franklin Street. Enjoy!
McGuinness Blvd. Redux
Another day, another trek down McGuinness, another bounty of refuse.
Having lived in Greenpoint for almost six years, I am fascinated by the recent surge of condominium construction on McGuinness Boulevard. I have seen a number of developments going up along this strip from roughly Calyer Street northward, and I have frequently wondered to myself: why would anyone want to live there? Thus far, the best answer I can come up with is that these developers are banking on P.T. Barnum: there’s a sucker born every minute.
McGuinness Boulevard (to those of you not in the know) is a busy (READ: loud) thoroughfare. When the Pulaski Bridge is drawn (on a humidelicious hot summer day), the emissions from all the backed up vehicular traffic is thick enough to eat to spread on your toast. The fact that crossing McGuinness is in and of itself a death-defying task does not help matters. It is common knowledge among the locals here, myself included, that speeding cars hit buildings and other inanimate objects regularly. This being so, what chance does a slow-moving, less sturdily built biped have?
If any Hollywood hack sees fit to remake the movie Death Race 2000 —and why not, it’s a better movie than most of the ‘new’ crap the dream factory is churning out nowadays— I wholeheartedly endorse, no, I ADVOCATE, McGuinness Boulevard as the location to use.
Traffic-related concerns aside, there are a host of other reasons not to purchase one of these condos:
1. For starters, these properties are all in close proximity to the Fire Department. This is a good thing if you happen to pull a “Pryor” and set yourself on fire while free-basing, but for the rest of us, the roar of fire trucks at all hours may prove to be an annoyance.
2. Let’s say you purchase an apartment on a higher floor (away from the din of traffic), you can expect one of two things:
A. The view of Manhattan you were promised by your broker will be short-lived (once towers are tossed up on West Street).
B. You will have a ‘scratch and sniff’ view of the water treatment plant.
Lastly, it should be noted that the caliber of person who frequents McGuinness Boulevard is— how shall way put it— a bit lackluster? Don’t take my word for it, go and hang out at the Taco Bell ‘food court’ yourself. On any given (work) day you will find a motley crew of thugs, junkies, old Polish men sucking and grinding away at their dentures like a cow works a wad of cud, and “Joe Dirt” types whose curricula vitae can be found on a Post Office wall, “America’s Most Wanted” or a milk carton.
If you are not up that, simply walk along McGuinness and you will detect their presence: by their garbage and discarded chicken bones, ye shall know them…
Dog shit (at Java Street and McGuinness Blvd.) notwithstanding…
If I were a fly on the wall, I honestly do not know which of the following I would want to see more:
A. The fool who will pay 1/3 -1/2 million dollars to look at this pile of shit (and numerous other piles of shit, garbage and vomit) every day.
OR
B. The broker/developer pandering these condos and the ‘spin’ he/she will put on the location.
McGuinness Boulevard is decidedly NOT Bedford Avenue— and it never will be— Robert Moses saw to that forty years ago. So, when you see an unwashed, unshaven and mop-headed man on Mickey Guiness rocking an AC/DC shirt, he is not aiming to be ironic or edgy. He attended AC/DC concerts back in the 70′s, got addicted to coke (meth or whatever), and is too shit-ass broke to buy new clothes.
I never knew that drug-addled poverty could be so chic. Thank you, B-Burg ‘Influx’ Hipsters!
A cheap holiday in other people’s misery, as Johnny Rotten put it— a ‘holiday’ made only more piquant when purchased with your parent’s money.
Yeah, that’s tearing the “man” (your old man) a new asshole.
Stupid fucks.
Dung of the Day: Banker St. Between Calyer and Meserole St.
Filed under: Dung of the Day
Here’s something you probably will not find on the Super Value Menu at McDonald’s, although I have seen something that looks suspiciously like this advertised in the window of Yummy Taco…
Do you want fries with that?
Code Brown: Franklin St.
Filed under: Dog Shit
After several days of rain, I finally ventured out to run a few errands. Being in a terse and rather impatient mood, I walked down Franklin Street instead of Manhattan Avenue. Sure enough, I didn’t have to deal with too many people, but…
Franklin St. at Green St.
Franklin St. between Green and Huron St.
Franklin St. between Huron and India St.
AGAIN, Franklin St. between Huron and India St.
And… Franklin St. at Java St. makes five!
Dung of the Day: Done Dirty Harry Style
Filed under: 11222, Dung of the Day, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic
A number of people who have made my acquaintance are amused and confused by my veneration of “Dirty Harry”. Those who know me— REALLY know me— understood my glee when my father upgraded to the DVD “Dirty Harry” box set and I got his old VHS box set. The weekend immediately following this windfall was one uninterrupted “Dirty Harry” Testosteronathon replete with many a 12 ounce can of Budweiser so I could exhibit my femme macha by crushing them when the need arose.
One does not watch “Dirty Harry” movies for the plot (they’re all more or less interchangeable). One does not watch “Dirth Harry” movies for Oscar-caliber acting either (though Tyne Daly, Hal Holbrook and Mr. Eastwood are nothing to sniff at). NO SIR.
One watches “Dirty Harry” movies to enjoy some blue-chip ass kicking and the odd nugget(s) of witty repartee to be found therein. Simple as that.
Having established my “Dirty Harry” street cred, it should be known that my tastes regarding memorable quotes from these movies tend to run towards the oblique. Anyone (even those who have never seen any of the movies) knows the ubiquitous “Go ahead, make my Day”, but what about some of Harry Callahan’s more Zen-like words of wisdom?
If you have been kept up at night knocking around “Dirty Harry” quotes (as I have), today is your lucky day: with a little bit of Internet research I found the “Dirty Harry” quote (from “Sudden Impact”) which best epitomizes this blog and I am going to share it with you.
Listen, punk. To me you’re nothin’ but dogshit, you understand? And a lot of things can happen to dogshit. It can be scraped up with a shovel off the ground. It can dry up and blow away in the wind. Or it can be stepped on and squashed. (Or it can be wiped on a napkin and left on the sidewalk at Meserole Avenue and Diamond Street — Ed. Note) So take my advice and be careful where the dog shits ya!
Cock Rings and Cigarettes
I was coming home from running errands yesterday when, about fifteen feet from my front door, something on the ground caught my eye.
I looked closer, and lo, it’s a vibrating cock ring and an empty pack of cigarettes! Looks like someone has been living la vida loca!
Now if there’s one thing Joe Camel has taught us all, it is that EVERYTHING goes down a little easier with a cigarette— including today’s “Dung of the Day”! This bad boy is on Green St. between Manhattan Ave. and Franklin St.
Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em!
Dung of the Day: 4/18/06
Filed under: Dung of the Day
Today in midtown Manhattan my husband saw a doubledecker tour bus filled with Miss USA Contestants. No kidding.
Being an artist by education (if not by vocation— yet), I am all too aware that beauty lies exclusively in the eye of the beholder. Art is by its very nature subjective.
Today’s turd pageant has neither a swimsuit nor a talent segment, so I am left with the daunting task of judging the bounty of canine fecal goodness I documented today on looks alone…
But I have wasted enough of your time already; without further ado, I give you Miss McGuinness Blvd. and Eagle St.
Code Brown: McGuinness Blvd.
Filed under: Dog Shit
Anyone familiar with the northernmost part of Greenpoint will tell you that it is not a very nice place. If anyone ever tries to tell you anything else to the contrary, RUN! He or she is probably a real estate broker, developer, or some other hitherto-unknown creature whose agenda is to separate you from your money.
Don’t believe me? Check this out.
Scroll down to “My Landlord can beat up Your Landlord”. Read it.
Who wrote this, you ask? Yours truly.
Slumlords, gang-banger wannabes, pipe/machete wielding Dominicans/Puerto Ricans/Mexicans, and crackheads aside, another distinguishing feature of this area is dog shit. LOTS of dog shit. ASTRONOMICAL amounts of dog shit.
Just to see if anything has changed since I lived there, I went down to my old ‘hood this morning. Specifically, I went to the area I consider ‘dog shit central’: McGuinness Blvd. between Eagle and Box St.
Upon cursory inspection, I noticed that a handful of the grassy areas between Box and Clay Street have since been filled with cement. My guess is that this measure was taken to discourage dogs from crapping in these beds. Did this deterrent appear to work? Yes. Did it cut down the overall amount of dog shit? NO.
While I applaud the motivation behind such a measure, the underlying logic is blissfully naive. Clearly, whoever concocted this scheme did not take into account how persistent the local populace is regarding the avoidance of cleaning up their dog shit. Ironically, filling in these beds (where one is less likely to step in the shit contained therein) has resulted in dog shit being placed right smack dab in the middle of the sidewalk (where one is more likely to step into a pile of crap).
Way to go, Einstein. Keep it up and maybe one day you’ll be elected president.
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