Now For Rent In Ridgewood…

November 19, 2013 ·
Filed under: 11385, BAD ASS, Queens, Ridgewood, Ridgewood Queens, Wow, WTF 

Cl2bedroom

Living Room with neon and bar stools

Hall of mirrors

bitchin kitchen!

This. I have tried— and tried— to find the words to describe what you have just seen. Thankfully the owner of this apartment has been lavish with the photo-documentation. What these pictures have to say is way more than the proverbial 1,000 words. Note “the value-added” in the manner of a disco ball (and what appears to be laundry) hanging in the living room. Simply magnificent! Best to simply check out this listing check out the screengrabs and behold the, um, glory for yourself.  You will not be disappointed!

Special props go out to Diana Gee for stumbling upon this gem. Simply amazing.

UPDATE, 10:19 pm: For shits and giggles I emailed our landlord informing him that we were breaking our lease because we found our dream home in Ridgewood. Follows is his reply:

email

 

Very astute observation. As you can plainly see, gentle readers, some landlords do have a sense of humor. Conclusion: if this apartment has a soundtrack (and a gnarly HiFI system is undoubtedly among its manifold amenities) it would be something by the Eagles. Or better yet this:

Honorable mention: the Miami Vice theme song.

UPDATE, November 20th, 2013: It has been brought to my attention that if one “Googles” the phone numbers listed on this advert, some mighty interesting results come up. Follows is yours truly’s personal favorite.

Millionaires Palace>

This listing truly is the gift that keeps on giving. Cheers!

New York Shitty Photo Du Jour: New York Post

NYPostNYS

Yes Sir: there are few things scarier than the New York Post. Well done!

(From Bleecker Street.)

From The New York Shitty Inbox: Another One

September 4, 2013 ·
Filed under: 11237, 11385, Bushwick, Bushwick Brooklyn, Ridgewood, Ridgewood Queens 

vito063

My tipster writes:

It’s gotten to the point that I start thinking about what’s waiting for me in my mailbox when I am on the train. What will I do next Wednesday?

From The New York Shitty Inbox: Howdy Neighbor!

September 3, 2013 ·
Filed under: 11237, 11385, Bushwick, Bushwick Brooklyn, Ridgewood, Ridgewood Queens 

Howdy Neighbor

 

Choice quote:

To improve city services in our neighborhoods and bring needed city resources into our community, I have decided to run for city council.

It has been noted by my tipster (the recipient of this missive) that Mr. Lopez was never, in fact his/her Assemblyman. That distinction goes to Ms. Cathy Nolan. Whoops.

In any case this is the stuff night terrors are made of folks…

There’s an old ugly lech in the neighborhood, an old ugly lech is a neighbor…Would you be mine, could you be mine…won’t you be my intern?

From The New York Shitty Inbox: Greetings From Broadway

(in Brooklyn, that is)

NOTWANTEDnys

My anonymous tipster, “T” writes:

You may have seen these, but just in case. Posted up under the train along Broadway.. On almost every truss/pillar.

Actually, I have not. But then again:

1. I received this mailer from a tipster who resides in the 34th.

SayNO1

SayNO2

lapdogAARONSHORT2. I reside in the 33rd— wherein a great many of my fellow citizens seem to be in a state of denial that our incumbent City Councilman, Steve Levin, was the Chief of Staff and in fact mentored by this lovely fellow.

Why is this so? For starters, I’d hazard to guess that when compared to David Yassky or Ken Fisher, Levin’s predecessors, he seems like an improvement. The sad fact is, Levin probably is an improvement.

But that just goes to show how low the expectations are here in Greenpoint— and how disappointed I am that no attention by reformers is being directed to the “race” here. Yes, there is one

Supplemental/suggested reading: this tome by City & State. Here’s a choice passage:

…Possibly the most bizarre example of the staffer-as-candidate phenomenon is taking place right now in Brooklyn, where two former chiefs of staff to Assemblyman Vito Lopez, Council Members Stephen Levin and Diana Reyna, currently occupy neighboring districts. In a veritable warren of political intrigue, Lopez is running against Reyna’s chief of staff, Antonio Reynoso, while next door Levin is making every effort to pretend that his own re-election campaign has nothing whatsoever to do with the scandals plaguing his former boss…

The Latest Vito Lopez Mailer: Monopoly

(As left, by yours truly, next to a colossal explosion of human excrement on Melrose Street)

VITOemployingMonopolyNYS

As you can see Vito “Gropez” Lopez has employed imagery from the game Monopoly. I for one find this more than a little appropriate.

Get_out_of_Jail_Free_for_the_Win_Wallpaper_JxHy (1)HELLOVITO

After all, Mr. Gropez  has for all intents and purposes received a get out of jail free card. Do NOT even get me started on what Vito probably thinks constitutes the “Community Chest”

NYPO8212013

From The New York Shitty Inbox, Part II: A Candidate For The People?

August 21, 2013 ·
Filed under: 11237, 11385, Bushwick, Bushwick Brooklyn, Ridgewood, Ridgewood Queens 

mailerpage1

Mailerpage2

Here’s the latest bit of campaign literature hilarity courtesy of Vito “Gropez” Lopez. Now he is apparently the “people” candidate. Well, I suppose if one does not consider women to be people this could work. I suppose this is why Mr. Gropez thinks $330,000 worth of fines for sexual harassment is excessive and intends to fight it in court

From The New York Shitty Inbox: More From Ridgewood

Gropez Mailer 1

Gropez Mailer 2

I arrived home from today’s peregrinations to find another piece of campaign “literature” from Vito “Gropez” Lopez in my inbox. Here’s what my tipster had to say about it:

The latest from Vito. Too bad there’s no reference anywhere to any of these events actually happening.

New York Shitty analysis:

medianincomeinbushwick

Reader Contribution Du Jour: A Proven Record Of Achievement

heyladiesVitowantsyourvoteNYS

Gropez truly is the gift that keeps on giving. In this case a “birthday card” sent to a woman in the 34th City Council District— a month late. As you can see she has taken this missive in good humor (and context). Vito writes:

I wish that for every extra candle on your cake, you receive an extra reason to smile. Happy Birthday to you!

That “come hither” look and comb-over. Wow, just wow.

From The New York Shitty Inbox: Greetings From Ridgewood!

vito021NYS2

This New York Daily News/campaign literature mash-up was made possible by a resident of Ridgewood. As you can see Mr. Gropez appears to have taken some, um, creative license with the highlighted image. Interesting. In any case, he needs to parlay some of that campaign money and hire a better Photoshop wizard. Bad.

P.S.: Oh yeah, if this fellow is willing to utilize phony photos for the campaign trail, exactly what kind of City Councilman do you think he will be? Just sayin’…

UPDATE, August 4, 2013: The New York Daily News has taken notice of this hilarious item and has a rather nice article about it. You can/should read it here!

UPDATE, August 5, 2013: New York Magazine’s Daily Intelligencer tender it’s two cents;

…New York Shitty suggested the Lopez campaign employ a better Photoshopper. It would also benefit by not retouching photos that appeared in easily Googlable Daily News stories in the first place.

Well said. And last— but hardly least— here’s what Queens Crap has to say:

This guy is either really stupid, or has cojones the size of cantaloupes.

I’d say both— but why split hairs?