Coming At You From The Manhattan Avenue Kayak Launch…

June 17, 2013 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic, Wow, WTF 

Where Kayaks Probably Ain’t The Only Things Being Launched…

I had some trepidation about posting this. However, I reconsidered my stance when I thought about the MTA’s exhortation to its patrons:

If you see something, say something.

Well, Saturday night the Mister and I saw something. Now I’m saying something.

b43

Our Saturday night started as many do: a lively debate about dinner. Such things happen between a vegetarian and recalcitrant carnivore. It took some time, but this matter was settled. Afterward the Mister wanted to visit the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory— because he needed a strawberry malt. Alas, we were six minutes too late: 9:06 p.m. I suggested we swing by the Manhattan Avenue Kayak Launch so as to view the aftermath of this insanity. He agreed. That’s when we saw the above bus. We found this curious.

We proceeded to the park proper. NOTE: I am using photos taken the next day so as to better illustrate my story. If I was psychic, I would have had my camera ready and pointed. Hell, if I was psychic I’d be playing the lotto as opposed to operating this site. But alas I am not. So here we go.

manavekayalaunch6162013

This is the Manhattan Avenue Kayak Launch.

fence

This is fence which was damaged by an aspiring U-boat. WOW.

exhibita

1. Indicates where a trio of park goers were sitting and sipping coolattas Saturday night.
2. Indicates where the Mister and I were standing.

The Coolatta sippers inquired as to why this fence was in a state of disrepair. I told them. A lively discussion ensued. Then something really weird happened.

kayaklaunch

The bus driver charged with said bus exited the Kayak Launch with a female companion. We were all perplexed by this. We saw neither hide nor hair of either of them. We said nothing.

mentosNYSMe (to the Mister): She’s eating Mentos. “The Fresh Maker”. I think he just got a blowjob.
The Mister (to me): I think you’re right.

The bus driver parted ways with his female companion and commenced his rounds. I later saw him on Manhattan Avenue. I was tempted to shout:

How was the blowjob?!?

But bus drivers— especially those of the B43— get enough shit already. Let’s just say I’ll be watching the Kayak Launch more closely now— and you should too. Lest you are wondering, gentle readers, this kind of thing is not unknown here. Case in point.

PHOTO CREDITS/HAT TIP: to The Duncan Daily for the image at left.

UPDATE, June 17, 2013: A fellow named Dave writes;

as an aside – I was walking home along Manhattan Ave on Saturday night, and popped into the deli on the corner of Manhattan and Nassau.  As I was inside, a bus screeched to a halt outside.  The driver jumped out of the bus, ran into the deli and loudly asked the purveyor – “Hey, you got Mentos? …as i was leaving the deli, he held up a packet of mentos, and, looking to someone on board the bus asked “this ok?”

Urban Artifact: 23rd Street

sacredplunger

Me to the Mister* upon discovering this exotic and most unexpected item:

Behold, a sacred relic of the Cherohonkee tribe!

This one’s for you, Pa Heather.

*Who I would like take a moment to thank. Had there not been some, um, confusion between Queensbridge and Queensboro Plaza on his part— and I was not feeling like a bigger jackass than usual and decided to let him learn the hard way— we would not have needed to walk down this thoroughfare so as to catch the B62. I served as the Mister’s guide through this “uncharted territory”. Most of this was done in silence for reasons I think need no explanation—but I digress. Had we not walked down this street, we would not have happened upon this most exceptional urban artifact (which I have determined to be a “shamanistic shit stick” of the Cherohonkee tribe which is a member of the Trustifarian Nation).

From The New York Shitty Inbox: Sans Wheels On Green Street

sanswheelsongreenNYS

A fellow we’ll call “B” writes today, June 14, 2013:

…here is a photo of my future brother in law’s car that was parked on Green and Franklin. My friend… saw the robbery said it was 2 younger people wearing hoodies. It was 5:15 AM on May 24th. My friend called the 94th and explained that he was watching the robbery take place but they only asked him why he called them and not 911. I really want to know why that happened? Why couldn’t they respond and clean up their streets a little. Seems like they would have wanted to go there and nab these bastards. We were really upset when we woke up and saw the tires were gone but I was even more upset when I found out the precinct turned their heads. Very disappointing.

Word on the street/the Greenpoint grapevine (which, on occasion, can prove to be QUITE reliable) has it that yet another automobile divested of its wheels was spied around Eagle and Franklin Street last night. WTF?

Spotted On Manhattan Avenue: Spider Man

If these images (which a lady named Lisa was kind enough to bring to my attention) are any indication, it was a lively evening in the Garden Spot last night. My tipster kicks the party off as follows:

So…as we’re leaving (a) party… I see fucking Spiderman scaling a building, out of costume, on Manhattan ave. SPIDEY, YOU’RE DRUNK, GO HOME! 

spidey1nys

We first see him climbing up the fire escape ladder and assume, OK, he made it, he’s home. Not so much…

spidey2nys

There were, of course, extensive comments on what would be happening if he was not Caucasian…

spidey3nys

Spidey proceeds to move behind the staircase and onto the ledge, AROUND THE AC UNIT – nice effing moves – and works his way to the next building

spidey4nys

I moved to video, showing poor judgement as it was too dark, so I did not get pics of the rest. Spidey moved to the next building where we thought “no way, that window has child guards on it, he can’t get in there,” but we were wrong…he opened the window and climbed OVER the child guards, OVER THE CHILD GUARDS, through the window, where he was welcomed with cheers from a party. THIS WAS AWESOME! I should post the video just for the Stephanie and Jerry show commentary, but I won’t. But this shit was funny. Damn. Jerry, did anyone believe you when you got back? Here is our proof!

A few thoughts:

  1. Given there have been a number of break-ins hereabouts wherein the thieves accessed the apartment(s) in question via the fire escape, this fellow is lucky no one called the police.
  2. He’s doubly lucky he didn’t fall and seriously hurt himself. I’d say he was tempting fate— and subsequent notoriety courtesy of the New York Post— in a big, big way.
  3. Greenpoint is becoming more and more like the East Village/Lower East Side every day. God help us.

UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention that this morning someone in a BMW drove off Manhattan Avenue, presumably via the Kayak Launch, and into Newtown Creek. Wow. Just wow. You can read Gothamist’s take on this bizarre turn of event by clicking here.

From The New York Shitty Inbox: A Dispatch From Frost Street

gothamistscI am certain a number of folks reading this tome are familiar with the item Gothamist posted recently about an attorney having what can be best described as an alcohol-fueled melt-down in Williamsburg. Those of you who are not in the know can become so by clicking here.

In any case, I found the incident downright uncanny as something very similar happened— also in Williamsburg— twenty four hours later. A doppelganger, if you will. I’m guessing the 94th had a very busy weekend— but I digress. My tipster writes on Sunday, June 2nd:

It isn’t Even hot yet and people are nuts. Whackjob… flipped out cross the street last night. 30’s white dude with braided bracelets was kicking and punch the shit out of somebody elses car. Then lays down on the sidewalk crying. Hell-o 94th! Sad, nobody loves him and he is mad about it. Really nice young Polish cop came. I liked seeing a cop in his own hood.

As it was explained to me by another witness this fellow managed to inflict several thousand dollars worth of damage to this defenseless motor vehicle before passing out on the sidewalk.  And passed out on the sidewalk he conveniently remained until our Finest arrived. Upon being awakened next to his “handiwork”— I want to make this perfectly clear— this chap apparently had enough wits about him to deny any wrong-doing.

Yup. Methinks we’re in for an interesting summer north Brooklyn. On a related note, this evening the monthly meeting of the 94th Precinct Community Council will come to pass at the Church of Ascension’s Parish Hall. NOTE: this will be the last meeting until September.

94th Precinct Community Council Meeting
June 5, 2013 starting at 7:00 p.m.
Church of the Ascension’s Auditorium
122 Java Street
Brooklyn, New York 11222

Cheers!

 

From The New York Shitty Inbox: Greetings From 239 Banker Street— Once Again

NYSscSome of you might recall that I recently received a piece of correspondence from an individual who called this place home. He/she was none too happy about it too.   This is why he/she was moving out. As you can imagine, gentle readers, I had a number of questions for this person. WTFsmallToday I am pleased to announce I not only got some answers— but some visuals to accompany them! One is the charming image at right. But I am getting ahead of myself— without further ado, here we go! NOTE: I have excised some material so as to preserve some semblance of anonymity for the parties involved.

Hi Heather, I stupidly did not take any photos of the piss/shit fiasco- I opened the camera to do it but immediately thought “no- this is fucking vile! I’m leaving” and the SMELL! yikes I’m out of there now, but I came to live there because I was moving back to NYC (had been in SF for a year) and my friend who I was looking for a place with had said “hey, I found this spot in Greenpoint with two rooms open”… I went with it… I have some more photos ill send over as well. sorry for so many emails but I can’t attach via the mail app and have no computer access for a couple days. Also made a clip, hope it helps to convey the space better.

bathroom1 bathroom2

…so these first two are the bathroom tub and what is almost certainly mold growing- along w/ Shitpissgate (Apparently the first floor of this building had to be vacated after Hurricane Sandy due to flooding— this included a back-up of raw sewage. Yummy. — Ed. Note), there was an incident with the bathtub backing up dirty water full of black specks up to the brim (last photo- however it only depicts minimal drain, it was a photo I took to send to the super in a “THIS STILL EXISTS HOURS LATER”! message)

WTF

the third is the wood rising up after Shitpissgate, and the fourth is an example of all the arbitrary holes in the deplorable re-flooring job.

floor1

floor2

Now let’s proceed to the “bedroom”, shall we?

photo 3nys

photo 2nys

photo 1nys

Yeah, the photos do not do much to describe this space. As the video footage makes all too clear: this is because there isn’t really much space to describe!

I know what you’re thinking:

How much does such a closet room cost?

Well, prepare to be amazed. I certainly was.

$925. And the bigger rooms (slightly, but you know as well as I do how sometimes that extra six inches of a room helps) with windows were $925. Again, against my better judgment, shame on me, etc. but I’m glad I found the legal hurdle.

Those of you who are wondering what this hurdle/loophole was— or simply care about such trivial matters as fire code— will undoubtedly find the following passage from the “Loft Law” (Thanks NAG!) quite illuminating:

…Notwithstanding the provisions of paragraphs (i), (iii) and (iv) of subdivision two of this section, but subject to paragraphs (i) and (ii) of subdivision one of this section and paragraph (ii) of subdivision two of this section, the term “interim multiple dwelling” shall include buildings, structures or portions thereof that are located in a city of more than one million persons which were occupied for residential purposes as the residence or home of any three or more families living independently from one another for a period of twelve consecutive months during the period commencing January first, two thousand eight, and ending December thirty-first, two thousand nine, provided that the unit: is not located in a basement or cellar and has at least one entrance that does not require passage through another residential unit to obtain access to the unit, has at least one window opening onto a street or a lawful yard or court as defined in the zoning resolution for such municipality…

Whoops. Now if you don’t mind I have some bunk beds to install in my tool shed… 

From The New York Shitty Photo Pool: Untitled

May 23, 2013 ·
Filed under: Brooklyn, Gowanus, Wow, WTF 

Untitled

Taken by beau-dog.

Today’s Moment Of Greenpoint Real Estate Insanity: Special 239 Banker Street Edition

May 22, 2013 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic, Wow, WTF 

239banker5222013You can probably imagine, gentle readers, the recent decision regarding a fellow renting out his apartment (condominium, actually) via Airbnb was of great interest to yours truly. Not that I had to search for it, mind you. Yesterday I awakened in yet another morning episode of allergy hell to find reporting on the subject on my Facebook page and inbox. It’s nice to know people care.

And on that note I am going to pass the love forward to my friends at 239 Banker Street. Today I had a thought while walking by this edifice/poster child for Loft Law abuse. It was as follows:

Gee, wouldn’t it be funny if this building— which was converted from industrial/commercial use to housing illegally— under the pretext of being permissible as a hotel— had a listing on AirBnb (now that it has been established that AirBnb is illegal in our fair city)?

Well, grab hold of your Shit Tits fellow Garden Spotters— it does! What’s more, it is was very easy to discern. Before I proceed, I’d like share to take a moment to share Airbnb’s “response” to the recent court decision (once again, from Gawker):

This decision runs contrary to the stated intention and the plain text of New York law, so obviously we are disappointed. But more importantly, this decision makes it even more critical that New York law be clarified to make sure regular New Yorkers can occasionally rent out their own homes. There is universal agreement that occasional hosts like Nigel Warren were not the target of the 2010 law, but that agreement provides little comfort to the handful of people, like Nigel, who find themselves targeted by overzealous enforcement officials. It is time to fix this law and protect hosts who occasionally rent out their own homes. 87 percent of Airbnb hosts in New York list just a home they live in — they are average New Yorkers trying to make ends meet, not illegal hotels that should be subject to the 2010 law.

Well, given what I have learned recently, we have an exceptional lot of New Yorkers in Greenpoint. Sure, they’re trying to make ends “meet”— but are they home owners? No they are not. Meet “Joseph”. One of the 13%.

airbnbSC5222013NYS

room1

This “average” New Yorker is not only a fashion/celebrity photographer, but he has a rather snazzy profile photo and by all appearances resides at 239 Banker Street.

AirbnblistingversusgooglemapsHILITEDNYS

The “giveaway”? Well for starters the buildings gracing “Joseph’s” (AirBnb certified) “rooftop view”: Pop’s Clothing and House of Vans respectively. Here’s an alternate view from 7 Franklin Street (“Pop’s”) courtesy of Google Maps:

7franklinstreetGooglemaplookingeasthilitedNYS

I have highlighted 239 Banker Street. But wait, there’s more! “Joseph” has done all the homework for me— albeit unintentionally— via a second listing on AirBnb!

BUSTED

Busted!

To recap:

  1. The owners of 239 Banker Street were granted permits to convert this manufacturing/commercial building into a hotel. This is perfectly legal given it is located in an Industrial Business Zone.
  2. Instead, the owners converted it into residences and leased it as such. For $2,100- $2,200 a month.
  3. 239 Banker Street was vacated by the Department of Buildings for conditions hazardous to said residents.
  4. Under new “ownership” 239 Banker is rented out once again as residential lofts. This time for substantially more money.
  5. I raise hell.
  6. I receive an email from my City Councilman regarding the matter. I blog it.
  7. A Loft Law application, however inapplicable it may be presently, is filed.
  8. And now we have a legally-sanctioned hotel converted illegally into residences which, in turn, one resident is illegally employing his apartment as a hotel via AirBnb. Ostensibly to “make ends meet”.

Wouldn’t it have simply been better/easier if this property was a hotel in the first place?

Priceless

(Priceless)

Today In Real Estate Insanity: How To Live In Greenpoint For Under $1,000/Month

apartmentwanted

umnothanksYours truly has developed quite a fixation on AirBnb lately. This is not simply due to the lawsuit unfolding either. Rather, the Mister and I had the pleasure of having a trio of miscreants walk into our apartment at 9:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning. The leader of this group announced that they were here from AirBnb and tried to hand his luggage to the Mister (who was still in his pajamas). The landlord (who had no knowledge this was going on) was called. I searched AirBnb for the listing, found it, took screengrabs and sent them to landlord. Let’s just say this did not go over well.

In any case, parsing through ~450 listings for Greenpoint (and being awakened by one’s husband rolling out more f-bombs in 2 minutes than I have ever heard him utter— much less yell— in 10+ years will motivate one to do this kind of thing) made me aware that this is a pervasive practice. I am surprised? No, not really. Still, it is wretchedly comical on occasion— especially when compared to the solicitation which graces the beginning of this post. CASE IN POINT:

fiftydollarsanight

But wait folks— there’s more…

COZY!

Much more— like what the fuck is up with the slide?

slide

No worries, the “host” of these digs gives full disclosure:

Hello Traveler,

I’m an Artist living in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. I share my 3 bedroom Classic Artist’s Loft with travelers from Airbnb. I am respectful, kind and accommodating. I am seeking the same out of you! This is a fairly large apartment, it’s spacious feeling even when everyone is home. I have been very lucky and met amazing people through this service. Much of my furniture was custom made by the artist Jean-Marie Mauclet of JEMA Design and all my lighting is eco-friendly LED’s.

You are welcome to stay in my guest loft. This is a great short-term space for the budget traveler that does not require much privacy. If this space is booked, you are looking for a longer stay or need more privacy check out my “Private Room in Classic Loft” or “Brite Room in Classic Artist’s Loft.” Both are just as cool, better for long stays and have more privacy! The “Cozy Loft” is built above the door in the main living area. When at home, I tend to hang out in my bedroom on my computer or on the roof when the weather is nice. The weekends can be a bit livelier, but not by much! I will provide clean sheets for your double-bed and warm blankets if needed. I also have plenty of storage space if you should need it. Under the loft I have a wardrobe just for your use with plenty of drawers and a place to lock up your computer or other small valuables if you are concerned. The loft is relatively private, comfortable and clean. However, it is not great for couples seeking a romantic vacation or anyone who needs absolute silence to sleep. It has the unusual entrance and exit of an industrial slide. It is not particularly challenging to use, but can be a problem If you are a bit tipsy from going on a pub crawl in the neighborhood, uncoordinated or tired.

My Artist’s Loft is located on the top floor on a quiet street in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. This is a very safe and friendly part of Brooklyn to visit. I have a manually operated freight elevator that is off limits (* Ed. note) but can be used to transport heavy items if you require. I have fantastic roof access with beautiful views of the New York Skyline. Bring your lap top computer and connect to my WiFi. If you sit in the right space you can enjoy the WiFi in the open air on the roof.

The Franklin Ave (Street — Ed. Note) shops, restaurants and bars are just around the corner. The closest Subway station is the Greenpoint Ave G, also in walking distance is the Bedford Ave L and the Vernon Blvd 7. By subway, I am located 25 minutes from Union Square, 26 minutes from Times Square, 30 minutes from Central Park, 38 minutes from Tribeca and 25 minutes from the East Village. The B61 and B43 bus stop is only a block away and very helpful when weather is uncomfortable. JFK is one hour away by public transport and LGA is 25 minutes away by Cab. Get Ready for your “morning slide!”  I look forward to meeting you. – (excised)

cosynest

So what do members of AirBnb’s “community” have to say? See for yourself. Reading is believing!

reviews

By all appearances —and until recently yours truly lived on the block in question for ten years— these cozy accommodations appear to hail from 125 Green Street. What’s more, Google backs me up!

aurbnbverfiedvagooglemaps

The funny thing is NAG (formerly Neighbors Allied Against Garbage, now Neighbors Allied For Good Growth) tried to organize this building. Under the pretext that such industrial spaces cum artists space preserved the “artistic integrity” of the community.

Confused About The Loft Law?

One year later, there is neither a Loft Law application— nor Certificate of Occupancy for this property for that matter. But it has a cozy loft available for $975.00 a month. 

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Slide on!

P.S.: The front door of this artists’ abode has Freddy Mercury on it.

freddymercury

Awesome. Totally awesome.

From The New York Shitty Photo Pool, Part III: Urban Artifact (NSFW!)

May 8, 2013 ·
Filed under: Manhattan, New York City, Urban Artifact, Wow, WTF 

Sex Slave

Wow. Just wow.

(Taken by jphillipobrien2006.)

 

  • NYS Flickr Pool

    Aaliyah & BiggieConey IslandCommodore Barry Parkd.w. krsna ,a symbol of urban blight in the Sunday New York Times 9/2/18 special sectionFresh Cut FlowersSit & PuffNew Kam Hing BakeryMickey Hand Slap
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