Dung of the Day: Banker St. Between Calyer and Meserole St.

April 25, 2006 ·
Filed under: Dung of the Day 

Here’s something you probably will not find on the Super Value Menu at McDonald’s, although I have seen something that looks suspiciously like this advertised in the window of Yummy Taco…

Yummy Taco

Do you want fries with that?

bankerandmeserole

Code Brown: Franklin St.

April 25, 2006 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit 

After several days of rain, I finally ventured out to run a few errands. Being in a terse and rather impatient mood, I walked down Franklin Street instead of Manhattan Avenue. Sure enough, I didn’t have to deal with too many people, but…

franklinstandgreen

Franklin St. at Green St.

franklinathuron

Franklin St. between Green and Huron St.

franklinandindiast

Franklin St. between Huron and India St.

franklinandindiast2

AGAIN, Franklin St. between Huron and India St.

franklinandjava

And… Franklin St. at Java St. makes five!

Signs of the Times

April 22, 2006 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit Signage 

There are a number of reasons I like living in Greenpoint, but if I had to pick my favorite reason (for the purposes of this blog anyway), it would be the homemade signage. Close your eyes and envision some form of socially unacceptable behavior and I can assure you there is an angry missive— scrawled in Sharpie marker— SOMEWHERE in this neighborhood deriding it.

But it isn’t simply the pervasiveness of signage in this neighborhood that intrigues me, as I have seen numerous signs— usually admonishing dog owners to scoop their poop— in many different areas of Brooklyn. For example, I have noticed that the homemade signage to be found in Park Slope, Cobble/Boerum Hill and Carroll Gardens is pretty straightforward and polite. Greenpoint signage, on the other hand, is second only to Red Hook (in my experience, anyway) in the use of profanity and threat(s) of physical violence.

The hoi polloi can keep their strollers, therapists, tea lounges, and superfluous civility; drunken Poles, empty Remy Martin bottles, feral packs of children gnawing on chicken bones and hard-hitting opening statements such as “Dear Fuck Mouth” resonate with me. It is this no-nonsense “pull yourself up by the bootstraps so you can pick up the drunk fuck next to you by the shirt collar and kick his ass” mentality that makes this country what it is today. For better or worse.

Follows are a couple of my favorite examples of Greenpoint signage with limited commentary.

dearfuckmouthsign
It’s funny, when I cropped this image it began to look a wee bit like the Polish flag. Very appropriate to say the least.

treepitnotashitpit

Looks like this was written by the same person. I for one would like to meet “Neighbor”. I think we’d get along.

Dung of the Day: Done Dirty Harry Style

A number of people who have made my acquaintance are amused and confused by my veneration of “Dirty Harry”. Those who know me— REALLY know me— understood my glee when my father upgraded to the DVD “Dirty Harry” box set and I got his old VHS box set. The weekend immediately following this windfall was one uninterrupted “Dirty Harry” Testosteronathon replete with many a 12 ounce can of Budweiser so I could exhibit my femme macha by crushing them when the need arose.

One does not watch “Dirty Harry” movies for the plot (they’re all more or less interchangeable). One does not watch “Dirth Harry” movies for Oscar-caliber acting either (though Tyne Daly, Hal Holbrook and Mr. Eastwood are nothing to sniff at). NO SIR.

One watches “Dirty Harry” movies to enjoy some blue-chip ass kicking and the odd nugget(s) of witty repartee to be found therein. Simple as that.

Having established my “Dirty Harry” street cred, it should be known that my tastes regarding memorable quotes from these movies tend to run towards the oblique. Anyone (even those who have never seen any of the movies) knows the ubiquitous “Go ahead, make my Day”, but what about some of Harry Callahan’s more Zen-like words of wisdom?

If you have been kept up at night knocking around “Dirty Harry” quotes (as I have), today is your lucky day: with a little bit of Internet research I found the “Dirty Harry” quote (from “Sudden Impact”) which best epitomizes this blog and I am going to share it with you.

Listen, punk. To me you’re nothin’ but dogshit, you understand? And a lot of things can happen to dogshit. It can be scraped up with a shovel off the ground. It can dry up and blow away in the wind. Or it can be stepped on and squashed. (Or it can be wiped on a napkin and left on the sidewalk at Meserole  Avenue and Diamond Street — Ed. Note) So take my advice and be careful where the dog shits ya!

meseroleanddiamond

Canine Waste Law: A Primer

April 20, 2006 ·
Filed under: Canine Waste Law 

I have been researching the Canine Waste Law (better known as the “Pooper Scoop” law) for a couple of days. This has been no small task; sure, there is a lion’s share of web sites that tell you to clean up after your dog— and it pretty much ends there. I am not satisfied with this answer. I want to know the exact letter of the law, what city agencies are responsible for its enforcement, and what penalties are assessed against violators.

While not all-inclusive, I think I have enough information to merit a post…

New York State Consolidated Laws, Article VI, Section 95 § 161.03.: Control of dogs and other animals to prevent nuisance.

A person who owns, possesses or controls a dog, cat or other animal shall not permit the animal to commit a nuisance on a sidewalk of any public place, on a floor, wall, stairway or roof of any public or private premises used in common by the public, or on a fence, wall or stairway of a building abutting on a public place.

(Penalties for) Health code violations.

Notwithstanding the provisions of any other law, violations of subdivision (f) of section 11.65, 131.11, 139.07, 161.03, 161.05, 181.03, or 181.17 of the health code of the city are hereby declared to be violations. Punishment for violations of subdivision (f) of section 11.65, section 131.11, 139.07, 161.03, 161.05 or 181.03 shall be by a fine of not to exceed twenty-five dollars or by imprisonment for not to exceed ten days, or both and punishment for violations of section 181.17 shall be by a fine of not to exceed fifty dollars or by imprisonment for not to exceed fifteen days or both. Notwithstanding the provisions of any other law, punishment for violations of section 131.03 shall be by a fine of not to exceed two hundred dollars or by imprisonment for not to exceed three months or both.

The agencies responsible for enforcing the above-listed statute are the Departments of Sanitation and Parks and Recreation. If you wish to report someone who isn’t cleaning up his (or her) doggie doo, call 311 and they’ll hook you up with the “Sanitation Action Center”. Yes, that is the actual name of the enforcement arm of the DOS. (I don’t care what the “Sanitation Action Center” pays, I’ll work there just to have the privilege of listing THAT on my resume.)

Conclusion: I believe 10 days imprisonment is a bit heavy-handed for such an offense, but a (paltry) fine of $25.00 is asinine. Anyone can hustle $25.00— even me.

Cock Rings and Cigarettes

April 19, 2006 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit, Dung of the Day 

I was coming home from running errands yesterday when, about fifteen feet from my front door, something on the ground caught my eye.

I looked closer, and lo, it’s a vibrating cock ring and an empty pack of cigarettes! Looks like someone has been living la vida loca!

cockringandcigarettes

Now if there’s one thing Joe Camel has taught us all, it is that EVERYTHING goes down a little easier with a cigarette— including today’s “Dung of the Day”! This bad boy is on Green St. between Manhattan Ave. and Franklin St.

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em!

dogshitandcigarettes

Dung of the Day: 4/18/06

April 18, 2006 ·
Filed under: Dung of the Day 

Today in midtown Manhattan my husband saw a doubledecker tour bus filled with Miss USA Contestants. No kidding.

Being an artist by education (if not by vocation— yet), I am all too aware that beauty lies exclusively in the eye of the beholder. Art is by its very nature subjective.

Today’s turd pageant has neither a swimsuit nor a talent segment, so I am left with the daunting task of judging the bounty of canine fecal goodness I documented today on looks alone…

But I have wasted enough of your time already; without further ado, I give you Miss McGuinness Blvd. and Eagle St.

dungoftheday41806

Code Brown: McGuinness Blvd.

April 18, 2006 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit 

Anyone familiar with the northernmost part of Greenpoint will tell you that it is not a very nice place. If anyone ever tries to tell you anything else to the contrary, RUN! He or she is probably a real estate broker, developer, or some other hitherto-unknown creature whose agenda is to separate you from your money.

Don’t believe me? Check this out.
Scroll down to “My Landlord can beat up Your Landlord”. Read it.

Who wrote this, you ask? Yours truly.

Slumlords, gang-banger wannabes, pipe/machete wielding Dominicans/Puerto Ricans/Mexicans, and crackheads aside, another distinguishing feature of this area is dog shit. LOTS of dog shit. ASTRONOMICAL amounts of dog shit.

Just to see if anything has changed since I lived there, I went down to my old ‘hood this morning. Specifically, I went to the area I consider ‘dog shit central’: McGuinness Blvd. between Eagle and Box St.

Upon cursory inspection, I noticed that a handful of the grassy areas between Box and Clay Street have since been filled with cement. My guess is that this measure was taken to discourage dogs from crapping in these beds. Did this deterrent appear to work? Yes. Did it cut down the overall amount of dog shit? NO.

While I applaud the motivation behind such a measure, the underlying logic is blissfully naive. Clearly, whoever concocted this scheme did not take into account how persistent the local populace is regarding the avoidance of cleaning up their dog shit. Ironically, filling in these beds (where one is less likely to step in the shit contained therein) has resulted in dog shit being placed right smack dab in the middle of the sidewalk (where one is more likely to step into a pile of crap).

Way to go, Einstein. Keep it up and maybe one day you’ll be elected president.

boxandclay1

boxandclay2

Mission Statement

April 17, 2006 ·
Filed under: Mission Statement 

As you can probably deduce from the title of this blog, I live in Green Brownpoint, Brooklyn. About a week ago, on my one block walk to the Franklin Corner Store to get a sandwich, I was astonished at the sheer quantity of dog shit I encountered. Green Street is not the easiest sidewalk to negotiate: the sidewalks are uneven and pock-marked with holes. Dodging piles of dog shit every five feet does not make this task any easier.

It was during this adventure through Poopland that I had the following epiphany:

1. This is ridiculous.
2. I wonder if the people who see fit to use my block as an open sewer would like it if I took a shit in the middle of their living room? Probably not.
3. This is like walking through a fucking mine field.
4. If Queen Noor (and Lady Diana before her) can be advocates against the use of land mines, perhaps I can raise awareness about the plague of unattended dog shit in my neighborhood? Call me the Dog Shit Queen of Greenpoint. I’ve been called worse.

What you can expect this blog to feature:

1. Dog shit. When I see dog shit, I am taking a picture of it, and will document the date and the location.

2. A “Crap Map”. This map will be the result of data I compile (as outlined in #1) and (hopefully) will provide an easy reference for anyone who wants to know where worst (s)hit areas are— and perhaps even where the worst offenders live. It is prudent to assume that if these dog owners are too lazy to clean up their own dog shit, they probably do not take much time walking their dogs in the first place.

3. If and/or when I find a particularly choice specimen (READ: a particularly LARGE, sculptural or just plain repulsive bowel movement), it will be showcased as “The Dung of the Day”. I am accepting submissions for this prestigious title.

As Flava Flav would say, “Lets get this party started right”.

I found the following turdage 4/17/06 on Green St. between Manhattan Ave. and Franklin St.

inaugural dog shit