What happens when bureaucracy and reality collide

May 21, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

I suspect I am not the only person who has wondered what would happen if there was an accident in the middle of the Pulaski Bridge. Would 108th Precinct (in Long Island City) handle it or would it be delegated to Greenpoint’s very own 94th? I have no fucking clue. But if the following tale from the March 4, 1906 edition of the New York Times is any indication, I don’t think I want to find out.

PRISONER NOBODY WANTS

New Order by Bingham Confuses the Hunter’s Point Police.

The police of the Hunter’s Point Precinct have a prisoner on their hands whom they cannot get rid of. The precinct was recently extended by Commissioner Bingham to take in all of the Newton Creek Bridge. The bridge extends to Manhattan Avenue and Ash Street, Greenpoint, and yesterday Patrolman Campbell on duty at the Greenpoint end of the bridge was called upon to arrest a young man who was flourishing a revolver.

The prisoner described himself as Robert Marcantino, 18 years old, of 479 Graham Avenue, Brooklyn. In the Long Island City Court Magistrate Connorton refused to consider the case as the arrest was made in Kings County. The policeman cannot go to Brooklyn with the prisoner without a special order from Commissioner Bingham, and in the meantime the prisoner is being deprived of his rights under the law, which states plainly he must be arraigned before the nearest magistrate.

Any Greenpointers out there who are contemplating committing crimes on the Pulaski Bridge consider yourself warned; not only will you be jailed in Queens, you may never come back!

Miss Heather

By popular demand…

After tossing up this post (which featured arguably the most diabolically clever ruse to get noisy neighbors to cease and desist) I had a number of people request copies of this letter. This weekend I happened to bump into my fiendish friend and asked him for it. Twenty four hours later there it was in my inbox. “John” writes:

Hi Heather,

here’s the letter, you can post it as is if you like. I folded this letter into an envelope that had the name of some attorney on it. . . .a nice subtly that may have had an effect. So, I wrote this after going up to their door 3 separate times to politely explain the noise situation. Nothing changed, in fact it seemed to get worse. Anyway, things have been quiet since delivering this note.

Without further ado, here it is. Enjoy!

Dear Upstairs Neighbors,

First I’d like to say I appreciate what you’ve done to keep the noise level down. I can’t imagine it’s very easy. However, I feel that I may not have made my message clear, that is why I’m writing this letter. My entire apartment is basically below your kitchen and bathroom. Your kitchen floor is my ceiling.

I’m not talking about regular footfalls from normal walking, that I can hear and easily deal with. I’m referring to moments of thunderous vibrating pulses of sound from stomping and jumping that take place over my entire apartment.

To understand this, you have to know that your kitchen floor is the original flooring from the early 1900′s. No reinforcement, only very thin, old dry floor joists. That is why the walls and floor of my apartment explode with vibration when there is heavy walking, esp. with shoes.

Like I mentioned earlier, I can hear every step anyone makes upstairs above me, not a problem, but when there is heavy walking and pounding on the floor, plaster has literally fallen from the ceiling and objects on the shelves begin to shudder, similar to a small earthquake. No joke. The quality of living in this apartment has severely diminished. I’ve lived here for 4 years and have never experienced this before.

There is a clause in the lease that allows the tenant to enjoy the peaceful environment of their apartment and I have to tell you that has not been the case within the last two months! The last thing I want to do is bother or complain about excessive noises, but when it starts to effect my daily existence, sleep and general concentration, it’s time for all neighbors to be aware of it and concessions have to be made.

I have to tell you that there have been times when I actually feel trapped in my apartment, when the pounding and stomping begin to consume the air of my small space. I have no where else to go when this noise level ratchets up. I’m basically a prisoner in this pulsating box as I sit and wait until it slowly goes away..

Look, I pay my rent here, and help the landlady with odds and ends around the building to help maintain a safe, positive and peaceful environment in this building and apartment. So, while your kitchen floor (my ceiling) is only a thin separation between tenants, your living room floor however, is totally reinforced.

I helped to install the flooring in that front living room. Three quarter inch plywood laid over the original wood flooring plus insulation then carpet. That makes a huge difference. You could put on a Broadway show on that floor and not bother anyone.

I’m not asking for total silence, that’s ridiculous I understand. I’m asking for everyone who lives above me to be mindful of the impact they’re making on the kitchen floor. That’s all!!

One thing that would help is to consider taking shoes off when walking on the floor in the kitchen area. It’s a night and day difference for me.

Please understand my situation, I would appreciate anything that you can do to help out here. If not, I will be forced to take other initiatives.

Thank you,

Your neighbor

The Ring of Nibeldungen

May 21, 2007 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit, Dung of the Day 

Forged in the bowels of a miniature poodle named Turdrich, the mighty Ring of Nibeldungen is available for the taking at 158 Meserole Avenue.

The Ring

Now all we need is for Bunghilde to step up to the plate and throw this item into Newton Creek; thus liberating Greenpoint from the tyranny of Odor and the ring of shit that binds us all. In the meantime, Siegfeces seems to be holding his own over on West Street.

Miss Heather

A novel approach to poop prevention

May 20, 2007 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit, Dog Shit Signage, Greenpoint Magic 

After living in Greenpoint for seven plus years I have become a connoisseur of crap. There’s as much of (sh)it to be found here as there are people who loathe it. The latter usually make their anti-shit sentiments known in the starkest imaginable terms. Threats of violence against those who choose not to ‘scoop the poop’ are commonplace here.

This is why today’s example of dog shit signage (from Meeker Avenue just off Kingsland) is remarkable: it makes no direct physical threats whatsoever. My man on Meeker took a much more subtle and cunning approach.

Intoxicated Area

I have heard of hallowed ground. Stevie Wonder sang about reaching Higher Ground. But intoxicated ground?!? That’s only to be had in Greenpoint, kids!

We Greenpointers are a very robust and jocular lot. We envision the glass to be half-full versus half-empty. Since that very nasty (and very unremediated) oil spill ain’t going anywhere anytime soon, why not use it to deter another form of pollution?

Miss Heather

A Fat Rat’s Ass…

May 20, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

or Signs of Intelligent Life in the world of Curbed Comments

After last week’s insanity, I want to start this week with on a decidedly more “up” note. Not all Curbed commentors are raving lunatics. Some of these people are quite witty. People like “Mal Content” and “Lonely Guy”, for example. Their handiwork (regarding the inflatable scab-busting rats at Northside Piers) can be found here.

“Mal Content” writes:

I have this vision of the inflatables rental shop getting confused, resulting in a group of eight-year-olds at a birthday party trying to have fun with one of those rats while a group of construction workers bounce with glee in a Dora the Explorer Fun Castle across from a worksite.

To wit “Lonely Guy” writes back:

“Mal Content,” I once ordered a, well, let’s call her an inflatible companion, and got a rat instead. There wasn’t anyplace for lubricant so I shipped it back.

Miss Heather begs to differ, “Lonely Guy”…

Fat Rat’s Ass

Where there’s a will, there is always a way. That’s why we hear stories like the one about the EMS being called to dislodge some lonely dude’s dick from a vacuum cleaner attachment.

Miss Heather

What would Mike do?

May 18, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

What a week! Wanting to do nothing more than to while away the remains of this shitty day by culling some particularly obnoxious Curbed comments (to make Mad Libs), I discovered a cache of nasty directed at yours truly instead.

Like this turd posted by “Anonymous” regarding this post on Curbed:

Marion – Apparently, you don’t know how to read. If Miss Heather were forced to say something nice about Greenpoint, I think her jaw would lock up. Greenpoint has some of the most beautiful streetscapes in New York City. What does she focus her camera on?…..pictures of dog shit. Case closed! (I s’pose this person hasn’t seen my Flickr page. Case closed. —Ed. Note.)

Or this bad boy posted (once again) by “Anonymous” on The Gowanus Lounge:

Gee, what happened to all you liberal muliticulturalists!
You wanted all of the turd world to come here so they could cheaply reno your great apt deals, now you got it. SEE YA (I’m leaving). Enjoy the jungle you’ve turned NYC into.

I don’t know about you, but “Anonymous” sure seems to get around. Sort of like a bedbug. An Internet bedbug. Any person who has this much free time to pound out angry and half-baked comments on someone else’s blog (versus using his energy for a constructive purpose— like creating his own blog to spout his bullshit) probably doesn’t get out much. Though the previous may not be such a bad thing now that I think about it.

Nonetheless, given the previous slanderous statements I feel compelled to reassert my stand on things gentrified and Greenpoint:

  1. I love Greenpoint. As far as I am concerned “The Garden Spot” is the best fucking place on the planet. There is no other place in the world I would rather live. Some may argue that it is desolate, polluted, ugly, etc., but to judge a ‘hood by its looks is to overlook the quality of its character. What makes Greenpoint great are its people (save “Anonymous” perhaps). The Upper East Side might be pretty, but the inhabitants residing therein are not. I’d much rather deal with drunken bums than interface with those assholes.
  2. I have never considered myself a “liberal”. My politics are way too out there to be “liberal”, much less pro-gentrification. I think reasonable development is a good thing. And by “reasonable development” I mean building affordable rental housing, not displacing working folk/poor to build Kondos for kids.
  3. I won’t address the accusation of being a “muliticulturalist” because only a certified illiterate asshole (of Rush “Pill Popper” Limbaugh caliber) would use such a word. All I’m saying is the person who usually throws around this term (whose proper spelling is m-u-l-t-i-c-u-l-t-u-r-a-l-i-s-t, by the way) does so in order to make a (thinly) veiled racist/classist statement. And not being a so-called “liberal”, I ain’t taking the bait. Take your Xenophobic Roadshow to Wyoming asshole “Anonymous”, the peeps of New York Shitty ain’t buying it. I think you’ll really like “Big Wyoming, Equality State, Cowboy State” especially since its most famous ‘cowboy’ nowadays is a dick.

“How can I placate Anonymous so he will not blight my fine-ASS Internet presence with his pointless pontifications, projected rage and illucid bullshit?” I asked myself today. Over and over. And— after some careful consideration, a couple of beers and listening to a LOT of Black Sabbath— I finally had a breakthrough: What Would Mike Do?

House of Mike

(Click on ye above image and behold the Holy Tablet of Mike.)

I stuck out my can (of beer) and prayed:

Mike, he of Greenpoint aluminum siding infamy, I beseech you. It’s Miss Heather, you know, the she-freak who takes pictures of dog shit and talks to herself. My Greenpoint loyalty and street cred have been challenged and my spirits are low, what should I do?

And Mike spoke:

Miss Heather, you are a good Greenpointer. You make me proud. Keep spreading the turd to the non-believers. I will give you an endless supply of aluminum siding and dog shit for your quest. Go south, my dear, Williamsburg needs you!

I did, albeit virtually. And I took the very finest architecturetorture Greenpoint has to offer with me: The Freeman Street Assault Domicile, The Holy House Sheathed in Mike’s Mighty Aluminum Siding and this, The Most Sacred Mobile Home of India Street.

Without further ado, I present De-gentrification: Miss Heather style!

Northside Piers a la Mike

The eyesore of tomorrow (Northside Piers) can be yours today!*

Greenpointastic!

Miss Heather

*Aluminum siding, satellite dish and scab-busting rats not included. BYOT: bring your own trailer.

A very special thanks to BARC

May 17, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Earlier this week I received an email from Lisa (of BARC). Contained within this missive was a link to a YouTube video featuring Greenpoint’s very own Haile Selassie, my former neighbor. Click on the link embedded in the below picture and behold the cuteness yourself.

That’s Mister Selassie to you!

Note how Mr. Selassie defends his turf at the end. It just goes to show that you can take the cat out of Greenpoint, but you can’t take the Greenpoint out the cat! He’s a man after my own heart.

I recently visited Mr. last Tuesday and I have to say his progress is amazing. While never overtly hostile to humans, he was never big on getting affection from them either. This has changed.

As I rubbed the back of his neck he purred away with total abandon. Having had his fill, he chirped at me and moved away. While this may seem to be a trivial milestone, it is actually a very remarkable one. This cat used to cringe when you touched him. Now he doesn’t mind it so much. Up to a point.

Mr. Selassie is a descendant of the Queen of Sheba, after all. His royal highness has many pressing matters to attend to and like any other head of state, he needs his ‘alone time’ on occasion.

Anyone interested in being hosts to his highness can check him out on BARC’s web site— or better yet, swing by personally. Haile holds court Tuesday through Sunday, Noon to 5:oo p.m.

Brooklyn Animal Resource Coalition
253 Wythe Avenue (corner of North 1st Street)
Williamsburg, Brooklyn 11211
718-486-7489

Who knows, if you prove worthy enough he might just grant you an audience.

TIP: a few rounds of ‘kitty fishin’ lightens up his mood considerably.

Miss Heather

Photo Credit: Lisa of BARC

Hear ye, hear ye!

May 17, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Those of you who live on Huron Street (and beyond):

The early morning ‘shake-up’ calls we have all grown to know and despise have been given the “go ahead”. (Read the update at the bottom of the post.)

Be advised that the court hearing scheduled for tomorrow is still in effect. Here are the deets (again):

Brooklyn Supreme Court at 360 Adams Street 9:30 a.m., Room 561
110 Green Development LLC v. 131 Huron St Assoc Inc.
Index number 12594/2007

Miss Heather

Dirty deeds dung dirt cheap

May 17, 2007 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit, Dung of the Day 

She dung him wrong

I found this turdy tableau on McGuinness Boulevard across the street from the new British Petroleum station today (after being cat-called by this asshole). Was this the product of a romance gone wrong or was the dog who discharged this pile of poo merely a misogynist? The world may never know.

Miss Heather

For those of you who are tired of getting banged…

May 17, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic 

by Magic’s pile driver, that is. Tomorrow is the big day.

Brooklyn Supreme Court at 360 Adams Street 9:30 a.m., Part 16
110 Green Development LLC v. 131 Huron St Assoc Inc.
Index number 12594/2007

Per Larry Schwab the goal at this hearing is to:

1. continue or strengthen the TRO now in effect and

2. force the Petitioner (110 Green) to insert piles by open caisson throughout worksite which will completely eliminate banging.

Be there or be square banged!

Miss Heather

UPDATE, 4:26 p.m.: I just received an email from Larry Schwab of 131 Huron. He writes:

Today the Judge cancelled the TRO which allows the manager of Magic’s Project, Joel Schwartz, to resume pile driving.

This is in spite of a letter signed by him back in January stating that he would not pile drive & would employ “OPEN CAISSON”.

I’m down but Im not out.

I’ll be back there again tomorrow. I’ll have all the info there if you want to see it yourself… (this) was supposed to be in Room 561 but check with the ‘concierge’!!

Larry