The Bushwick Four

June 18, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

I am pleased to announce that The Bushwick Four have all been adopted! “Jenblossom” writes:

Thanks again, everyone – all four kittens have all been adopted out and are adapting well to their new homes!

If anyone is still interested in adopting, I have a friend who is also helping out a pregnant stray. She delivered her babies over the weekend and (they) should be ready for new homes in a month or so.

Of course I would be remiss if I didn’t mention another place where there are plenty of kittens to be had: BARC. I swung by there yesterday to drop off something for their upcoming fundraiser and check in on my man Haile. They have oodles of kittens right now— including a very beautiful and friendly pair of nine month old calicos named “Eva” and “Zsa Zsa”. Don’t let the name of the latter scare one you: she is completely harmless and will not attempt to slap you.

In closing, follows are the details regarding BARC’s upcoming evening of “art appreciation” and here is a sneak peek at what I contributed.

Miss Heather

BARC Flyer

An evening of art appreciation to benefit BARC!

Each year, local NYC artists generously donate their works to the shelter for display and sale at our annual show.

Join us at an evening reception to view these fabulous art pieces and enjoy wine and h’ors doeuvres at the shelter’s space on North 1st Street.

And if you find a piece you like, you will have an opportunity to purchase artworks at the end of the evening!

All proceeds from the reception and art sales will benefit BARC Shelter. For tickets or more information about participating in the Auction, contact BARC at 718-486-7489.

Reception Tickets: $25

BARC
86 North 1st Street
(between Wythe Ave. & Berry Ave.)
Williamsburg, Brooklyn
7:30 p.m. to 10:30 p.m.

Mattress with Benefits

June 18, 2007 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

Mattress

I encountered the above mattress yesterday evening on Greenpoint Avenue. Upon closer inspection I learned this item has some “added-value” you’re probably not going to get from the likes of 1-800-Mattress, Macy’s or even IKEA.

Mattress Detail

Tasty.

Miss Heather

No Sleep ’til South Brooklyn

June 16, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Before I moved to “The Garden Spot” I lived in Kensington. For twelve whole months. I hated it. Though this neighborhood is quite beautiful, I had the misfortune of having a bedroom that faced a courtyard where mentally ill people ranted and chain-smoked all night long. Ever heard a crazy woman scream the following at 2:30 in the morning?

No, I didn’t kill my husband and I am never going to die!

I have. OVER AND OVER.

But that’s the subject of another post.

The purpose of this post is to give South Brooklyn a little love. Greenpoint style.

From Greenpoint to South Brooklyn via Raymond Street Jail.*

Lizzie Higgins was arrested in Greenpoint last night for intoxication.

“Where do you live?” asked Judge Watson in the Ewen Street (now Manhattan Avenue) police court this morning.

“In Baltic Street,” was the answer.

“In South Brooklyn?”

“Yes, sir.”

“That’s a good ways from Greenpoint. How came you way over here?”

“Shure, I kem over to see a frind of moine that was sick and I took a drop too much, I suppose.”

“I suppose too. Well, we’ll give you one day in jail. It’s on your way home and you won’t have too far to walk when you get out; beside(s) you get a free ride.

At least this South Brooklyn gal wasn’t further humiliated by riding the G train home.

The ground-breaking for Brooklyn-Queens Crosstown Local was held at Green Street and Manhattan Avenue March 4, 1928 at 3:30 p.m. Greenpernt’s very own Pete McGuinness was the Master of Ceremonies. Naturally.

Miss Heather

*Brooklyn Daily Eagle; December 12, 1893.

Parenting, Williamsburg Style

June 16, 2007 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit, Dung of the Day 

The last time my husband and I went to Williamsburg we beheld a disturbing sight. It didn’t involve hipsters either. Rather, a family of three provided our evening’s allotment of disquieting behavior: a mother and father walking with their small toddler on Berry Street. Just shy of North 4th Street the toddler stopped, made this gutteral sound (like something straight out of The Exorcist) and proceeded to hurl right on the sidewalk.

Was the mother concerned? Not in the least. She collected the child and told him (her?) to keep walking. Perhaps fits of demonic vomiting are part of the daily routine— or maybe she simply doesn’t care? Given that a local piece of poop has seen fit to protect itself, I think it is the former.

BerryandN4StreetShit

Miss Heather

Mediocre New York

June 15, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Kevin over at Forgotten-NY recently brought this web site to my attention. And I, in turn, am bringing it to yours: check it out. Be sure to watch their short about a man and his $800 Volvo station wagon. I laughed my ass off at that one.

Miss Heather

Anyone want some really cute kittens?

June 15, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Go down to Bushwick and get you some.

Kittens at Play

Really.

Dinnertime

Cute.

Take us home!

Kittens.

“Jenblossom” writes:

Hi Miss Heather – my friend suggested I contact you to see if some of your kitty-placement mojo might rub off.

We’ve got a wonderful, sweet stray girl kitty (“Stumpy”) who has hung out in our yard and the ones around it since we moved to Bushwick a few years ago. We give her food and water and loads of affection, and she has really become an awesome cat. She has been pregnant many times, but this last time around we have actually gotten to meet her litter of four. They have spent some time in our yard and are currently living under our next door neighbor’s deck. It’s an enclosed and pretty safe space for them, but we are trying very hard to find them permanent homes. Stumpy is still nursing them, but they’re at an age where they should be ready for solid food soon. And obviously, as they grow and get stronger, they will be able to escape their current living conditions and might end up who knows where. We don’t want to add to the out of control stray population here in our corner of Bushwick, so we are really trying hard to place them soon.

Another problem, which just became evident today, is that mama appears to be pregnant again. Which means we can’t get her spayed and adopted out along with her babies as we had hoped to, AND we are looking at more kittens to place.

We love cats, and wish we could take them in, but we have two five year old cats with their own chronic health issues. We’re still digging out from our boy cat’s week in the hospital last October, so taking on a new cat is not an ideal situation for us. We love BARC but we are very aware that they’re overwhelmed with animals in need, and we don’t assume that there’s a place for Stumpy and her kittens there. (I think I remember that they don’t even take pregnant cats).

You seem to have had good luck getting the word out about little creatures who need good homes. My husband and I have circulated fliers at our respective offices, to friends and on message boards, but we have few leads at this time. We figure we’ve only got another week or two before the kittens are in real danger of wandering off. Any kitten pimping you could do would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks so much.

Be sure to check out Jenblossom‘s other photos of these adorable kittens here.

Miss Heather

Smells like Greenpoint Spirit!

June 14, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Smells like Greenpoint

Yesterday I received an email whose subject line read:

Holy fuck it smells like hot ass in here, ugh!

The author (whose name is Andrew) goes on to write:

That subject is a quote from my lovely girlfriend this morning. The hot ass she spoke of was not the sexy kind, but the “5 tons of processed shit wafting through our bedroom window” kind. I’ve lived in Greenpoint for 8 years and experienced my fair share of Greenpoint Smell Days, but this is by far the stank-nastiest year I’ve ever experienced. Is it just me or has it gotten much worse than usual lately?

If it keeps up like this all summer I will seriously consider moving into the McGolrick Park bathroom, which probably smells better than my apartment.

Enough ranting, I know you have a lot of GP readers so I was wondering if you would be kind enough to remind them of this little snippet from the Greenpoint Waterfront Association site:

WHAT STINKS AROUND HERE?

Call 311 if you smell that ol’ Greenpoint smell of the sewage treatment plant…call 311 if your local park has broken glass or worse(!) in it… Be sure to get a COMPLAINT # and email it to info@gwapp.org. We’ll keep track of it and pester the local authorities. But we need you to CALL.

I want to thank Andrew for reminding me to bring our neighborhood’s increased ripeness to light. Not only did a number of people attending Forgotten-NY‘s recent tour of Greenpoint notice a strange odor, but earlier this week I was on McGuinness Boulevard and found myself gasping for air. I’m not going to bullshit you: McGuinness Boulevard does not exactly smell like a rose. But this malodorous perfume was different than the usual cocktail of auto exhaust with just a hint of stale piss. If I had to liken this special smell something, it would that of rotting fish drenched in stale piss.

Speaking as someone who has lived here almost as long as Andrew, I agree with him. This year thus far is proving to be one of the worst odor-wise that I have ever experienced. One can only imagine what July or August is going to be like. Yikes.

Seriously folks, if you smell something, say something. It’s time that our state and municipal government learn that we are tired of getting the shit-end of the stick. If this problem was on the Upper East Side (whose garbage Greenpoint has the honor of handling) or in brownstone Brooklyn, I assure you it would be addressed post haste. Why should it be any different here?

Miss Heather

A Reader Question

June 13, 2007 ·
Filed under: Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

Yesterday I was posited a provocative question by one of my readers. Greg writes:

I was at the Key Food in Greenpoint on Saturday buying some supplies for a BBQ, when I encountered some perplexing behavior. The gentleman in front of me in the express checkout line (who appeared to be at least 70 years old) was purchasing 8 half-gallons of 1% milk. And nothing else. Upon checking out, he asked the cashier to put all of the cartons in one bag–clearly a physical impossibility. Perhaps you could explain what the hell he was going to do with all of that milk??

Thanks

As it happens a good friend of mine, we’ll call her “Sarah”, used to work at this very Key Food. She quit two months ago because she couldn’t take it anymore. This morning I called Sarah, relayed Greg’s question and asked her to give her two cents. Here it is:

  1. Eight one-half gallon containers versus four one gallon containers: If this gentleman was on public assistance, it might explain why he was buying eight one-half gallon cartons of milk versus four one gallon containers of milk. Apparently WIC (or whatever they call it here) will permit you to buy a truckload of Cheerios if you so desire, but you are required to purchase it (for example) 12 oz. increments. Therefore, if this gentleman wanted four gallons of milk (for what, who knows) and happened to be on public assistance, he was probably forced to purchase eight one-half gallon containers to get it.
  2. Metric System versus English Standard System: Assuming for a moment that this chap was Polish, it is very likely that he has no understanding of the English Standard System of measurements. This is because Poland uses the Metric System. Given the previous, it is possible that it simply did not cross this man’s mind to buy four larger containers rather than eight smaller ones. Even a number of Sarah’s coworkers (younger, recent Polish immigrants all) had problems parsing our system of measurements. This is why she created a chart to help them.
  3. Poor spatial reasoning (volume versus weight): The fact of the matter is some people are just rock-ass stupid. Sarah saw this on a daily basis working the deli counter. For reasons known only to them, her clientele liked their meat sliced very thinly. Of course, this was not made known to Sarah until after she had cut a pound of meat they deemed too coarse for consumption. Now let me tell you something: my buddy is a very patient woman. Did she grouse or cop an attitude? No. She would place the cut meat back in the refrigerator and slice another pound of meat in thinner slices.What did she get in return? Angry customers claiming that she was trying to sell them more than one pound of meat. Let’s think about this. What happens when you take something (in this case, one pound of deli meat) and slice it very thinly and then compare it to a comparable amount (of meat) sliced more coursely? It looks like more meat, that’s what! But is it actually more than one pound of meat? No, it isn’t. Most of what you are looking at is air. Is this comprehensible to your average Key Food deli patron? Apparently not. I mention the previous anecdote for one simple reason: the kind of person who cannot comprehend the difference between volume and weight is probably not going to understand that two (or in this case EIGHT) objects cannot occupy the same place at the same time. This dude seems to think otherwise, but I doubt his argument is relevant to a check-out line at a Key Food in Greenpoint. On the other hand, maybe it is; perhaps there is a worm hole (or “vacuum”) in the “8 Items or Less” line only the milk man knows about? Finally…
  4. Why so much milk? Maybe he simply likes milk? A LOT. Or— maybe he bathes in it. The latter is (was) a pretty common beauty ritual. Perhaps this chap isn’t crazy at all; he simply craves clean pores?

I hope this has been helpful, Greg. Thanks for asking!

Miss Heather

McGolrick Park Revisited

June 13, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Dog Shit Signage 

Earlier this week I found myself in the unfortunate position of having to patronize the McGolrick Park women’s bathroom. I had to wait behind two mothers who saw fit to accompany their school-aged daughters as they did #1. When it was my turn I discovered the reason for their otherwise strange behavior.

McGolrick Park Crapper 6/11/07

Fortunately for me, I had sufficient “internal pressure” to render peeing standing up plausible. I didn’t bother flushing the toilet. Would you try to negotiate the above piss-laden toilet paper death gauntlet? I didn’t think so.
Poop on the floor

Ironically enough, there is a sign posted on the building which houses this public lavatory admonishing park patrons not to leave their doggie doo on the “floor”. Before using the above toilet I found Hasam’s choice of words amusing; afterwards it made complete sense. The only contructive criticism I have to offer is he failed to mention hominids pissing on the floor (toilet, walls, etc.). Perhaps the aforementioned practices are acceptable?

If you ask me, the people who deserve a $1,000 fine are:

  1. The person(s) who rendered this bathroom into such a deplorable state. Maybe it was this guy?
  2. The parks employees who have seen fit to let it remain like this.

In all seriousness folks, this is inexcusable.

Miss Heather

Great Moments in Greenpoint Vinyl Siding, Volume V

June 12, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Vinyl Siding 

I recently had an amazing epiphany: there is no reason whatsoever why your shoes must match. Sure, they are sold in matched pairs, but that was the manufacturer’s decision, not mine. Wishing to correct this egregious blow against individuality, I bought two pairs of matching shoes and am in the process of customizing them.

Shoes

When I am done I will have four different pairs of shoes for the price of two! Pretty damned clever if you ask me.

Now take the above thinking and apply it to residental property. What do you get? A great moment in Greenpoint siding history, that’s what!

Three kinds of siding!

I can honestly say that this is the first time I have ever seen siding applied to a garage. If you can believe it, it gets even better when you walk around the corner (onto Diamond Street).

More Siding!

Right ON!

My fellow traveler on Diamond Street is not about to let “the man” tell him how may varieties of siding he can use to sheath his property. He will have as many as he damned well pleases and if you don’t like it, well that’s too fucking bad! Take your whiny ass down to Park Slope and complain about traffic. Or whatever they have to complain about down there.

Greenpoint is not a place for narrow-minded conformists like you. We Greenpointers like to think outside of the box… before we cover it with large quantities of weather-resistant siding, naturally.

Miss Heather