Great Moments in Greenpoint Siding Volume IX

July 13, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Vinyl Siding 

I want to open with a thought-provoking comment that was posted regarding last week’s Greenpoint siding superstar. Fisher6000 writes:

I know that your goal is to be a smart ass and that I may be taking this series too seriously… but you are pointing to such a poignant truth here–that surface is the layer that matters.

I have been pondering this over the last week— and not only do I agree with Fisher6000, but I have decided to illustrate her point with this week’s selection. Albeit in a rather circuitous manner.

Subzero House

A number of you are already familiar with this house. While its street address is 198 Green Street, this modest two-story domicile is more commonly known as the Subzero Building. This home received the aforementioned moniker from an extremely vitriolic post yours truly wrote about it over a year ago. Here’s an excerpt:

I’m guessing this is a light fixture. The first of three to be installed along the top of this building. I for one would like to propose that upon completion these be used as gallows for the owner of this property, the ‘designer’ responsible for this ‘design concept’ and the contractor who enabled it to happen.

OUCH! In hindsight I don’t remember who (or what) pissed in my Cheerios this particular morning, but I certainly had a bug up my ass. I had a point to get across and that point was unequivocally made: I hate this building.

As with most things in life, what goes around comes around. Last month I got my well-deserved comeuppance. Many of you know that I marched in the Mermaid Parade this year, but would anyone like to hazard a guess who I ended up meeting immediately afterwards?

Anyone?

The owner of the Subzero building, that’s who.

Subzero Owner: Hey, are you Miss Heather of New York Shitty?
Me: Yes.
S.O.: I’m the owner of the house you riffed on.
Me: The Subzero building!?!
S.O: Yes.

I was pretty frazzled at the time (marching around in a dress that weighed ten pounds while slathered in caramel syrup will do that to a person), so I cannot recount exactly what was said between us. But I do vividly remember thinking to myself “Wow, this man is a damned nice guy!” Had the shoe been on the other foot, I doubt I would have had even a tenth of the class this man exhibited.

And that’s the funny thing: since meeting this gent I don’t harbor the rancor I used to have towards this house. In fact, I have kind of grown to like it in a strange sort of way. Sure, sheet metal-sheathed buildings are not my taste— but I’d much rather have a nice person who lives in an “ugly” house as a neighbor than a raging asshole— even if he or she lives in an architectural masterpiece. After all, if I wanted the latter I would have moved to Park Slope.

Think about it.

Miss Heather

Another childhood memory shot to shit

July 12, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

OUCH!

Those of you who want to see E.T. buggering a lemur can find the above-depicted tableau on Franklin Street immediately next door to the Franklin Corner Store.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Sound-Seeing Tour, Part II

July 12, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic 

Dookie Detail

The long-awaited second half of my sound-seeing tour of Greenpoint is online and ready for your NSFW listening pleasure. Here it is.

Enjoy!

Miss Heather

Summer Sale at Alter

July 11, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Today is the first day of Alter’s “Serious Summer Sale” which will run through July 15. Per their announcement:

Summer merchandise up to 40% OFF.
Women’s Dresses, Tops, Shoes & Jewelry.
Men’s Tee Shirts, Button Downs & Accessories.

ALL CHEAP MONDAY JEANS $50.00! This Week Only!

Something else Alter currently has— which may or may not be on sale— are some very nice Greenpoint shirts.

Greenpoint Tee Shirt

I asked one of the guys about them and he gave me the scoop. The Greenpoint Reformed Church made a slew of these shirts (before the now infamous fire, obviously) with the intent to sell them but never got around to it. So the pastor gave them to Alter.

The last time I checked only two men’s shirts were left. However, there are still plenty women’s shirts waiting for the lovely women of Greenpoint to wear them. It’s time to step up to the plate and show your Greenpoint Pride ladies!

This is probably the best Greenpoint shirt I have seen (although Champion Coffee has some nice offerings as well, to be fair).

Now if someone would produce a tank top…

ALTER
109 Franklin Street
(at Greenpoint Ave)
Brooklyn, NY 11222
718.784.8818

Hours:
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday 1-9 PM
Saturday 12-9 PM Sunday 12-8 PM

Miss Heather

Belvedere XX

July 11, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

This morning it was brought to my attention that Brownstoner has discovered *gasp* a new Karl Fischer building in Greenpoint!

Fort Apache, The ‘Point

Uh, if my memory serves me correctly, the crappy condo construction site in question (AKA: Fort Apache, the ‘Point) has been creeping along for at least 1 1/2 years. Breaking news this edifice decidedly is not. But I do not want to suggest this feature isn’t worth reading. The comments are friggin’ hilarious. For example:

…I have heard that it no longer is residential project and may be an Orthodox Temple now.

AND

I’d actually wish for taller, more evil buildings along McGuinness if you gave me the chance. Greenpoint has sixteen-story towers going up on well-trafficked side streets, but McGuinness is really a barren place, and is a perfect contender for higher densities. At some point in the distant future, it could be an attractive boulevard people walk down, even — but scattershot small-scale buildings aren’t gonna do it. I’d actually like to see detached six-to-eight-story apartment buildings with retail, or something, like the one they’re building at McG and Driggs.

Um, okay. Anyone who has an idea this stupid and implausible should be forced to live in one of these piece of shit buildings.

On the first or second floor.

Facing the waste treatment plant.

Idiot.

Anyhoo, another (and in my opinion more important) detail Brownstoner missed is what’s going up next door.

A new Belvedere?!?

Could it be???

Belvedere XX

YES, YES IT IS!!!

Ladies and gentleman! It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you… BELVEDERE XX!

(applause)

Miss Heather

P.S.: Be sure to check out my updated Meet the Belvederes map! Belvedere V has been added too. It’s big. It’s fug. It’s located in WILLIAMSBURG!

Rat, Splat!

July 11, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

One of the perks of being the Dog Shit Queen of Greenpoint is never knowing what will find its way to your inbox on any given day. This morning’s offering was was a dead rat.

Flat Rat

The benefactor of this headless vermin (which I have named Marie AntoinSPLAT), “Bucketman”, writes:

So, I was wondering if you could use a pic of a Flat Rat taken yesterday in LIC. Funny thing, I found another one today in LIC but it looked exactly the same. Can you tell where the head was?

Miss Heather likes receiving a nice photo of a steam-rolled rat to savor over her morning coffee. It prepares me for the rigors of the day— and reading stuff like this*.

Miss Heather

*I am a big fan of this checklist. In fact, I like it so much I think I’ll print up a stack of ‘em. Any time I experience any form of physical distress I will fill one out and send it to the city. I won’t be stingy with the details either:

Today I woke up and thought I had diarrhea. When I used the toilet nothing but gas came out. Where did my poop go? Can you help me find it?

I’ll even throw in a rendering so there won’t be any confusion as to which turd I am writing in reference to.

LOST TURD

Dead Presidents: Madison Street

July 11, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Yesterday 11222 was kind enough to bring another extinct Greenpoint street to my attention. She writes:

I think the streets below Franklin all had different names, because Oak St. is not Oak St. between Franklin and West – i can’t recall the name now but it’s got a nice old brick street name block that is beautiful when the light is right.

Immediately upon reading this I threw on a pair of shoes, grabbed my camera and walked down there. She was right.

Madison Street

After a little research I learned that there were (at one time or another) two Madison Streets and two Madison Places in Brooklyn. In fact, the above-depicted street was once known as “Madison Place” as well. Wouldn’t you love to be a mailman in say, 1890? I wouldn’t. Yikes.

The other “dead presidents” of Greenpoint (as I like to call them) are:

  1. Washington (now known as West Street)
  2. Lincoln (now known as Greenpoint avenue)
  3. Jefferson (I am still trying to pin this one down, but it was located in the far southeastern section of Greenpoint)

The only surviving president Postmaster General we Garden Spotters have top boast of is Franklin Street, and it too came close to getting the ax.

Miss Heather

P.S.: On the way home I found another unexpected treat.

Noble Street

As some of your may be aware, the streets of north Greenpoint run in alphabetical order from north to south. This is no accident. Initially these streets had no “names” at all. They were lettered, e.g., “A” Street, “B” Street, “C” Street, and so forth. The above example of the old system can be found at the southeast corner of Noble and Franklin Street.

Ask Not For Whom the Porn Man Comes

He comes for me.

As I mentioned in this post, I had the pleasure of assisting the porn man with his never-ending quest for spankerific entertainment again last weekend. I suppose Friday’s offerings were yesterday’s news and he need more, uh, grist for the mill. This time he even brought a female companion with him. It was all I could do to keep from laughing.

First he drifted to the housewares; he picks up a box of drinking glasses. After bantering with my boss and handing another gentleman his business card, he goes back to the clothing. A pair of pants and a tunic are selected. All the while he is yammering away with his female friend. Then, after laying the groundwork, he went in for the kill:

Hey, you guys had a box full of DVDs yesterday. There was one that had a broken case— do you still have it? I’d like to buy it.

My co-worker and I look at each other. We pull the box of porn out from behind the counter.

“This one?” my co-worker asked.

“Yes”, he replied.

It was entitled Buff Bitches. I deduced that this was some kind of bodybuilder fetish flick because it had an image of a rather muscular woman on it. A rather muscular woman having very, very dirty things done to her, I should add. Peachy.

Shortly after this coveted prize found its way into his possession, his female friend wandered back to the counter to see what he was doing. She smiled, said “goodbye” and left. After all, how can a girl compete with that?

When this gentleman finally left my co-worker and I burst out laughing. My manager wanted to know what the deal was, so we told him. The solitary sentence that left his mouth was:

Yeah, the porn freaks are always cheap.

The piece de resistance, however, was when I saw this dude’s business card. After repeatedly asking myself:

  1. What kind of person would buy this stuff and be so damned cheap about it?
  2. What kind of person would buy this stuff with a female acquaintance with him?

I got my answer.

The same kind of person whose business card has a picture of him modeling au naturel with a musical instrument, that’s who! “Is this man for real?” you ask. Of course he is. REAL NAKED. You can’t make this shit up folks…

Speaking of shit and people with zero social skills, I have a very special “Dung of the Day” for your edification today. This item hails from 960 Manhattan Avenue, which happens to be the location of a rather large healthcare facility. I found it directly outside the front door.

960 Manhattan Avenue

Warning: Mothers who leave their used cigarettes and their baby’s shit-filled diapers on the sidewalk are hazardous to my health.

Miss Heather

Free/Cheap Summer Movie Roundup

July 10, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Night of the Huntress

I have been woefully remiss in mentioning L Magazine’s SUMMERSCREEN: a series of free movie screenings at McCarren Park. This started last Tuesday with Bring It On. Whoops. Better late than never, I suppose. Especially since this evening’s selection is a big favorite of mine: Night of the Hunter.

This is a seriously fucked up movie. I highly recommend it. If you can bear the stifling heat this evening give it a shot. You will not be disappointed.

Summerstage 7/10:
Night of the Hunter
McCarren Park
Lorimer Street between Driggs and Bayard Avenue
Doors open at 7:00 p.m.

In addition, Creek and Cave is hosting Tripadelic Pleasure Night every Thursday this summer. Outdoor movies start at 9:00 p.m. and “drink specials rock soul groove tunes exploitation flicks all night at the bar” are promised. Upcoming offerings include:

7/12: Evil Dead II
7/19: Pink Floyd Live at Pompeii
7/26: Death Race 2000 (!!! — Ed. Note)
8/2: Pulp Fiction

To view the entire roster of movies, please visit to their Myspace page.

Creek and Cave
10-91 Jackson Avenue
Long Island City, NY
718-706-8783

Lastly, Greenpoint’s very own East Coast Aliens Cineclub is closed for the summer. Movie screenings will resume after Labor Day.

Oh well. As Meatloaf once opined: two out of three ain’t bad…

East Coast Aliens
216 Franklin Street
Brooklyn, NY 11222
718-514-7625
www.eastcoastaliens.com

Miss Heather

Art Credit: Miss Heather

Art Event for Animal Lovers

July 10, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Little Cakes Gallery

Little Cakes Gallery has a two-part show opening this week for art and animal lovers of all stripes. Their press release states:

Little Cakes Little Gallery in association with HPGRP Gallery presents:

Forever Home – a two part benefit for New York City Animal Care and Control’s “Big Fix” and “STAR” programs.

New York City is home to many happily pampered pets; dogs that run and play at dog runs, cats that dine on organic, grain-free meals, animals that are cherished as part of the family. Unfortunately, at the same time, the city overflows with unwanted pets. New York City Animal Care and Control (NYCAC&C), the non-profit organization contracted by the city’s Health Department, takes in over 40,000 of these animals every year through out the five boroughs. It has the tough task of having to admit every single animal surrendered to them, whereas other agencies may pick and choose or deny admission. Our hope for Forever Home is not only to raise money for AC&C’s programs but to also help promote them as an alternative to purchasing a pet and to inspire viewers to get involved and volunteer, if not at AC&C, with any organization that deals with issues they feel passionately about. During the run of the two exhibitions, there will be one day volunteer opportunities at Little Cakes Gallery to make cage comforters and kitty toys for those who want to get their feet wet. Please check the Little Cakes website for times and dates.

The group photo exhibition will be held at HPGRP Gallery in the Meat Packing District from July 12th to July 28th, 2007. An opening reception for both shows will be held at HPGRP Gallery on Thursday, July 12th from 6-8pm. Vegan hors d’oeuvres will be served.

HPGRP Gallery / 32-36 Little West 12th Street, 2nd Floor
New York, NY 10014
212-727-2491
hpgrpgallery.com
Gallery Hours – Tues. thru Sat. 12-6pm

The following evening a drawing exhibition will open at Little Cakes Gallery at 625 East 6th Street:

Forever Home – a group drawing exhibition to benefit AC&C’s “STAR” Special Treatment and Recovery program which provides special medical treatment to injured animals rescued by AC&C. The show will feature small works by over thirty artists depicting a variety of different animals. A full list of artists will be available on the Little Cakes website at the start of the show. Little Cakes will be unveiling its’ first T-Shirt during the show. An illustration of a happy three legged dog by artist Josh Slater will be printed on organic cotton shirts. Partial proceeds from the shirt will also go towards the benefit. They will be available for purchase at the gallery and online for $20.

The group drawing exhibition will be held from July 13th to August 19th, 2007. There will be no opening at Little Cakes. Instead we will be celebrating at HPGRP Gallery on July 12th from 6-8pm. Please see photo exhibition information for details.

Little Cakes Little Gallery
625 East 6th Street #1B
New York, NY 10009
646-342-1056
www.littlecakes.org
Gallery Hours – Fri. thru Sun. 1-6pm and by appointment

Check it out!

Miss Heather

Drawing Credit: Josh Slater