Cut off by Brian Lehrer!

August 6, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

As promised, I called in. Instead of allowing me to talk about anything of real substance, they put me on at the end of the show and cut me off. This is hardly surprising. If you want to hear the sugar sweet voice of yours truly say “New York Shitty” on the air go here.

Since I was not permitted to complete my thoughts, I will do so here later. Need to buy beer first.

Stay tuned.

Miss Heather

The G(ay) Train

August 5, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

The G train

Ah the G train, how I love thee! Like any loved one (or family pet) a number of nicknames have been lavished upon it by its patrons. The most common monikers for my subway line of choice are:

  • The Gimp Train
  • The Go Nowhere Train
  • The Gone Train, and as I learned last night…
  • The Gay Train

I had never honestly considered the sexual-orientation ramifications of riding the G. “Sex” and “G train” are, in my humble opinion, two concepts that should never EVER be mixed. Of course not everyone shares my opinion. That’s why:

  1. Two out of three subway masturbators I have encountered chose to beat their meat to the bleak of the Crosstown Local.
  2. One wifebeater clad felon saw fit to warn his homie about the “faggots” who patronize this line in (were else?) QUEENS.

My husband and I were returning from a wedding last night. It was a slow and congested slog from Corona, Queens to Court Square. We transferred to the G and waited. Thankfully, a chap came along and provided us a little preflight entertainment.

He bore an uncanny resemblance to Mike Piazza, albeit one laden with tattoos, arrest warrants and (perhaps) a restraining order or two. This (and him holding a copy of the King James Bible) made his excessive use of the word “nigga” all the more provocative— especially since his companion happened to be of African American extraction. What got “Mike’s” ball rolling was the arrival of the G train on the opposite platform.

Mike: Yo, check out that dude with the Mohawk. He’s fucking HARDCORE, nigga!

Traveling Companion:
Heh, heh.

Mike: You don’t see dudes like that anymore. Look at these other people, they’re all faggots!

T.C.: Yeah, they’re taking over.

Mike: They can do what they want, but if one of them touches me in the shower I’ll slit his fucking throat.

The wedding vows my husband and I attended earlier this evening had a quote from Corinthians in it. That’s what the minister said, anyway. I wouldn’t know. Being an atheist, my husband has a pretty good command of the Bible so I turned to him and asked:

Is that from Leviticus?

He answered to the affirmative. Such is our life— fuck love, respect, commitment and all that slop. Our relationship is a low rent (but high wit) remake of Topper.

T.C.: Uh-huh. I have no time for that shit. I don’t care what they do as long as they keep me out of it. I got a wife and kids and shit.

Mike: Hey, I know that guy in the glasses over there! Hey nigga! What’s up?

(walks over to his bespecticled bud)

Mike:
What’s UP? NIGGA!

Four Eyes: (indipherable)

Mike: Yo, I go in for sentencing on the 11th, nigga! I have another hearing at the same time. If I miss that one I’ll get six months.

I have never known what it is like to be so popular as to have scheduling conflicts. Even though my blog gets over 10,000 hits a day, I was not invited to be on the “diverse panel” of “Brooklyn Bloggers” who will be featured on the Brian Lehrer Show tomorrow morning (August 7th at 10:00 a.m.). As Dorothy Parker once said:

I’m never going to be famous. I don’t do anything, not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don’t even do that any more.

I may not bite my nails but I do make telephone calls on occasion. In fact, I will be making one tomorrow. You can bet your sweet ass on that.

Miss Heather

Belvedere Rising

August 4, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

I am awake at 7:00 a.m. On a Saturday.

The cats are fighting. Well, at least four of them are. The fifth one is sick.

The husband is milling about. He is already asking me why I am up so early. Soon he will want a cup of coffee. When he gets his cup of joe he will remember that I drank the last of the milk last night. A tantrum will most certainly follow.

I cannot think of a better way to express the Chateau de Ghetto love I am experiencing right now than to share with you a brand-spanking new Belvedere!

A New Belvedere!

Or at least the site where it is going up: 218 Eckford Street.

Power Cables

As you can see, it is located right next door to a fellow Belvedere. I think this one is XII. Even I have trouble telling them apart sometimes. This is because there are (seemingly) a gazillion of them and they all LOOK FUCKING ALIKE! Sort of like Children of the Damned.

Belvedere Doorway

Here is a hallmark of what I like to call The Belvedere Style: a double door entrance awaiting a pretentious— yet cheap-looking— lintel bearing some arbitrarily determined set of Roman numerals. I wonder if the this one will be “XXX”? I can only hope so. If it is, I’ll be sure to celebrate by swilling down some delicious Belvedere Vodka.

Belvedere Vodka

What will those crazy folks over at Bridge Realty think of next? I for one would like to see Belvedere: The Musical.

Miss Heather

Newell Street Art Therapy

August 3, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Over the last several months I have become a connoisseur of construction fences. When you see enough of them (as I have) you begin to notice that each of them has its own personality: in this respect they are just like people. Occasionally I will find one that stands out from its peers, like this fence at 140 Newell Street.

140 Newell Street

Like you, I initially thought it was pretty unremarkable, if ugly. But after watching the tenants of 142 Newell exit their house and pause to glare at their new Fedders friend, I decided to go in for a closer look. I’m glad I did.

Newell Street Drawing

Looks like someone decided to engage in a little art therapy. I’m not too sure what those angry lines emanating from the chimney are. Maybe they are RPGs? Nonetheless, I found myself wondering if this exercise in wishful thinking was directed towards this construction site or the rusting black behemoth across the street.

149 Newell Street

I suppose only the artist knows for certain.

Miss Heather

Some of the People Who Live Here

August 2, 2007 ·
Filed under: Crappy Customer Cavalcade, Crazy People 

…something has to change…it’s got this really weird neighborhood-y vibe to it, you should see some of the people who live there…

My buddy over at 11222 overheard some Yuppie smeghead on Nassau Avenue utter this into his cellphone recently. I am at a loss, but I find it telling that this asshole thinks the neighborhood should to change so as to meet his (undoubtedly) assholic standards. This man exemplifies a new strain of customer I am seeing at the junk shop with increased frequency: entitled upper-class twits.

Being the thoughtful employee I am, I make it a point to ensure that these folks are treated like the special people they are. My latest stint organizing the store’s pornography collection has been of great assistance in this endeavor. Yesterday we had some fast-talking jerk come in and try to chisel my co-worker on some vintage clothing. He decided the asking price of $5.00 pop for swinging 70’s duds was too expensive; he wanted them for $2.00.

I decided he needed to see a centerfold of a woman shooting a liter of Jergens lotion out of her womb. That shut him the fuck up. I am the ringmaster of this Donkey Show and if he doesn’t like it, too damned bad. Move.

I frequently fantasize about organizing death matches between this man’s ilk and some of the more colorful citizens in this neighborhood. Greenpoint would be my Thunderdome and I would preside over it like Tina Turner. I know who’d win too: the latter.

The main mistake “gentrifiers” make in this neighborhood is employing reason as a conflict resolution tool. Reason does not work with these people.

Dumpster Dumplings

These are a few containers of mystery muck my manager found recently while unpacking boxes. They were promptly dispatched to the dumpster along with a number of other unsavory items. A reasonable person would not reach his (or her) hand into such a container; last week I had to admonish six very unreasonable people to refrain from reaching and/or climbing into this devil’s casserole to grab stuff. You could probably toss a dime into a vat of toxic waste (Newton Creek) and these people would go in after it.

They do not limit their aberrant behavior to dumpster diving, either. If not supervised like the children/animals they are, they will wander behind the counter and grab you by the arm. Of all the offending behaviors, violating my personal space is the most venal. I really, truly, DO NOT like people touching me. EVER.

Having had enough, I decided to make a sign using something I found recently while unpacking jewelry.

Sign

Sure this probably won’t work, but at least I had fun making it. If and/or when that cellphone yammering asshole comes in, this molar may very well get companion.

Miss Heather

P.S.: I’d like to give a quick shout-out to a brand-spanking new blog hailing from Windsor Terrace called Icky in Brooklyn. This chap me sent me the nicest email yesterday to which I have yet to send a reply. Will do, provided Verizon does not knock out my Internet and telephone service (again). In four weeks I have experienced as many outages.

Corn Nuts

August 2, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Is this turnout weak or what? I had at least 70 more people at my funeral.

I may be a boozehound, but I am a curiously selective one. In other words, my curiosity does the selecting. Needless to say when I found the following offering last night at Santa Fe restaurant, I had to try it.

The Heathers

I placed my order. The gentleman waiting on us (the owner?) asked “Have you seen the movie Heathers?”

To wit I replied:

Just gimmie the cup, jerk.*

Corn Nuts!

It was quite delicious. Very tart. Maybe this was result of the multi-purpose deodorizing cleaner? In any case, I am alive this morning to tell you about it. Give it a whirl!

Santa Fe
366 Union Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 599-2655

Miss Heather Veronica

*This chap wasn’t a jerk at all. I simply take great delight whipping out my Heather Chandler impersonation when the opportunity affords itself.

Miss Heather’s Apartment Share Inferno

New York Shitty is a metropolis of pissers and moaners. Crappy jobs/job interviews, crappy dates, crappy landlords: someone has written a lengthy (and usually pithy) missive (or two) about them all. Yet no one has written about a subject that encapsulates all the previous and more: apartment shares and the people who offer them. Until today.

I care not for landlords, first dates or job interviews— but at least I know what all the previous involve: me getting fucked. Be it metaphorically, physically or both. The same cannot be said about apartment share interviews, as I learned several years ago.

The purpose of this post is to showcase the three worst (and/or weirdest) apartment share interviews I have ever had. I have even taken the liberty of creating a handy checklist to track the depths of depravity I endured. Nothing says “you’ve arrived” (in HELL) like PowerPoint, after all.

CASE STUDY #1: THE DUNGEON

The Dungeon

Vital Statistics

Location: Meserole Street and Graham Avenue
Rent: $450 a month
The Catch: It’s a SRO

Truth be told, I was not very jazzed about the location of this share. Sure, it is a beautiful building, but I am a Greenpoint gal through and through. However, when one is dirt-ass broke, she cannot afford to be choosy, so I checked it out.

When I arrived at the front door I was greeted by a young woman. I think she was from Belgium, though it was hard to tell. She was a very pleasant and elegantly dressed lady— which made up for the decidedly NON-elegant setting.

As she led me through the front door (of her section) of the SRO, a man donning a dragon mask and reeking of marijuana popped out of another door and started giggling inanely. “Okay”, I thought “So he likes to party a little on a Sunday afternoon. Who doesn’t? No problem.”

The room she showed me was very spacious. I’ve seen many apartments smaller than this space, which probably measured around 400 square feet. I even liked the shade of lilac the walls were painted. Very pretty. I even told her so and she thanked me. She had picked out the paint herself.

Then I saw something I have never seen in any apartment/share space before: leather restraints, paddles and heavy chains anchored to the wall by mollies. Given that this was a three month sublease, the presence of these implements was non-negotiable. I could honestly not care less what this woman did (professionally?), but I don’t think I could have handled waking up every morning to the sight of Medieval torture devices. I was offered this sublet, but turned it down.

All things considered this experience was pretty mild (as I later would learn). What’s more, she was really likable and clearly not out to rip me off so I give this share a rating of…

SRO of Pain

CASE STUDY #2: MESEROLE STREET SUICIDE SHARE

Suicide Hall

Vital Statistics

Location: Meserole and Leonard Street
Rent: $500 a month
The Catch: Too many to summarize

The only reason I agreed to an interview at this share was because I confused “Meserole Street” with “Meserole Avenue”. After my interview at this hellhole I have never confused the two thoroughfares since.

I knocked on the door, a smallish red-haired man answered and ushered me in. It was dark. It was dirty. It was the bachelor pad date rape central replete with a disemboweled motorcycle in the living area. Although something about the “head roomie” was unsettling to me, I liked the other guy and heard them out. He was nice.

Then the shoes dropped, one after the other.

  1. Once the “Head Roomie” stood by the bathroom area (which was better lit) I recognized him; this shithead had I.M.ed me on Nerve a month ago. And being a freak (him more so than, me), I dissed him. Whoops.
  2. After making the previous discovery he showed me the room. It was okay, I guess. Then he pulled out a photo album and pointed to a picture of 20-something brunette chap.

See this guy?

I answered: yes.

He used to live in that space. Really nice guy, always laughing. We didn’t realize he had problems.

Me: Really, what kind of problems?

After not hearing from him a couple of days we went into his room and discovered that he had shot himself in the head hanged himself.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that.

What the hell do you say to something like that? How can one NOT notice a DEAD BODY for TWO WHOLE DAYS??? These are both very good questions. I kept them to myself.

I feel that people need to know about this, you know.

He said.

Let’s see: this was either the most diabolical form of revenge ever exacted (Where’s Candid Camera?) or this guy is being honest. Given the lack of overall intelligence he demonstrated on Nerve, I’m leaning towards the latter. I bet he is still trolling the Internets for leg too. My advice: no woman in her right mind is going to put out in a place that reeks of motor oil.

When I took the above the photo a meathead busy recycling beer bottles shouted:

Take a picture of the building across the street, it’s much nicer!

Leonard Street Fedders Special

And, inasmuch as I hate to say it, I agree. At least no one has blown his (or her) brains out here hanged him (or herself) there.

Yet.

With so many different factors at play, I am going to stick with simple suicide on this one and give this share a…

Meserole Street Suicide Den

At last! We are down to our last contender from the Universe’s very own Garden Spot: Greenpoint, Brooklyn U.S.A.!

CASE STUDY #3: STONER SPECIAL

Nassau Ave Bachelor Pad

Vital Statistics

Location: Nassau Avenue and Monitor Street
Rent: $600 a month
The Catch: It’s total fucking rip-off… and more!

I slog my ass over to this place. It stinks. Literally. Only a block away from Kingsland Avenue, the corner where this building is situated sports a perfume I like to call Petro le Um #5. Being the eager little domicile hunter I was (because I have a strong distaste about being homeless) I go in.

It is a loft. I do not like lofts. Inasmuch as the real estate industry likes to throw around the buzz phrase “artist loft” my experience has been that “artists” generally do not inhabit such spaces. I write this as an artist. 252 Norman Avenue was no exception.

I look around and note the “stoner special” layout of the living area: three really big, threadbare sofas encircling a very expensive widescreen television set. I am shown the room that is for rent: it is (maybe) eight by ten feet. It has no windows whatsoever. They are asking $600 a month for this piece of shit. In 2001.

I am then subjected to a gauntlet of questions by the residents of this place. I smile and answer them politely. Then I go home.

A weeks goes by and I get a phone call. It is one of the fellows from this apartment.

Me: So did I get the share?
Dude: No, but I thought you were cute and wondered if you’d like to go out on a date.

WTF!?!

When I told my buddy Larry about this recently, he opined:

You should have gone out with the guy and moved in with him. That way you will have a place to live and not have to pay rent.

Funny man, that Larry.

That said, there is something so utterly WRONG about using apartment share interviews to pick up chicks. It takes real chutzpah to call someone, tell her she did NOT get the share and then ask her on a date. Truth be told, it gave me the fucking creeps. So I give this jerk a…

Stoner Special

In case you are wondering, I ended up putting all my shit in storage and sofa surfing until I found a place of my own. I can honestly say that one month of sofa-surfing wasn’t that bad when faced with my alternatives.

Miss Heather