Poles Without Pants

September 26, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

This may sound silly, but I always find going to my friend Rachael’s apartment a trip. Located on Diamond Street between Driggs and Nassau Avenue, her home is in the heart of “Little Poland”. Although my apartment is only a half mile way, it might as well be a million; I live in the largely Hispanic area to the north. Follows is a little sampling of Greenpoint kielbasa glory I found on the way to my friend’s place this afternoon.

Poles Without Pants

You just don’t see stuff like this on my side of Greenpoint Avenue.

And quite frankly, I’m glad.

Miss Heather

A Couple Upcoming Events

September 26, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

I got word this week that Not For Tourists will be having a sioree to celebrate the launch of their 2008 New York Guidebook. Here are the deets:

WHEN: Sept. 28, 2007 6:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m.

WHERE: Spiegelworld
Pier 17, South Street Seaport
New York, New York

WHO: Not For Tourists founder and publisher Jane Pirone will be available to discuss the Not For Tourist series and answer any questions that fans may have.

HOW (MUCH): FREE! Guests will receive a complimentary copy of the Not For Tourists Guide to New York City 2008 and FREE beer provided by Heartland Brewery.

Those of you who are interested can download the invitation by going to Not For Tourists web site. I am a big fan of these guides; I use them frequently when I knock around neighborhoods I do not know very well. They’re a real lifesaver when you find yourself getting lost. And I do. Often. Check it out!

In addition, today is the last day to RSVP for the blogger meet-up this upcoming Saturday, September 30 in Bedford Stuyvesant. Those of you who are interested in attending* can get more information by clicking here.

Miss Heather

*I will not be attending because of a scheduling conflict with something my husband very much wants to do. Occasionally I humor him. This is one of those occasions.

High Rise

September 26, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

High Rise Bike

I found this “up-zoned” bike as I was walking down Norman Avenue Tuesday. Looks like the high rise hysteria here has even affected the two wheel set. What will be next? A triple decker with balconies and scenic city views? Whoops, I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t want to give the folks at Belvedere Realty any ideas. Oh well.

Miss Heather

Or…

September 26, 2007 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit Signage 

I have said on numerous occasions my favorite dog shit signs are the ones that involve threats of physical violence. I haven’t seen any around here lately and frankly I was beginning to worry that the Garden Spot might be losing its special charm. Good thing I walked down Meserole Avenue yesterday.

Or…

I feel a lot better now. Or do I? That pitchfork-looking thing is sort of sinister. Those of you who have the time, I strongly recommend you walk by 170 Diamond Street and check out the assortment of signs this person has erected. Most of them have this symbol on them. Pretty weird. Maybe this he (or she) is gearing up for Halloween?

Miss Heather

Great Moments In Greenpoint Siding, Volume X

September 25, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Frankenhouse, AKA U.S.S. Monitor

I am proud to announce that Greenpoint represented today on the Leonard Lopate Show. My submission (for their ugly buildings tour de force), the “Frankenhouse” (depicted above), was selected! You can listen to me talk about this more Greenpoint than Greenpoint edifice and my overall fixation with all things siding-related* by clicking here.

Miss Heather

*I even cite some siding stats!

Fundamentally Flawed Flyer

September 25, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Firstly, it is not the purpose of this post to malign the creator of the following flyer. Rather, I find the copy he (or she) employed fundamentally flawed. But before I go into my line of reasoning for making the previous assertion, let’s take a look at it shall we?

Reward2

Hmm. Posting this missive in Polish, Spanish and English was an excellent idea. Expecting someone to come forward two years after the incident came to pass is probably futile, but one never knows. Two people clearly saw someone fall down stairs on Huron Street in December of 2005, why else would he (or she) have removed one of the tabs? Therein lies the rub:

  1. It is prudent to assume that a neighborhood which has pervasive alcoholism or other forms of substance abuse (Greenpoint has both) is going to have a significant number of people who have fallen down.
  2. It is not unreasonable to assume a few of the previous spills took place on stairs. Stairs are the arch-nemesis of the intoxicated. I speak from experience when I write this.
  3. Therefore, it is a very likely more than one person fell down stairs on Huron Street in December 2005.

In closing, I hope the victim of this fall finds the person he (or she) is looking for. I really do. That said, I cannot help but suspect this person is going to be inundated with callers— and I find this comical, albeit in a tragic sort of way.

Miss Heather

Fistful of Squalor

September 25, 2007 ·
Filed under: Crappy Customer Cavalcade, Greenpoint Magic 

Sometimes I wish someone (listening Mikeypod?) would do a podcast from the junk shop. A number of the conversations had there are rather witty and intelligent. Others are not. Like the conversation(s) which arose from the following.

This is not seven dollars

See the above assortment of currency? This is what provoked my latest verbal assault on a customer. I have procrastinated posting this because frankly I do not like to think about it. In hindsight, it was probably pretty amusing.

It started like this.

I am behind the counter doing what I do: sorting stuff. The music is playing, as always. Since I was located near the speakers I was isolated from the from the din of hagglers haggling and chiselers and chiseling, until…

Larry da Junkman: SEVEN DOLLARS!
Customer holding a stock pot: (indecipherable)
Larry: Seven dollars, if you were to buy this from another store the tax alone would be more than that.
Customer: (indecipherable but clearly still haggling)

Larry walks off.

I have witnessed the above exchange many times. Sometimes it is over a set of sheets, “$2.00 is too much” they said. Another time it is over a $10.00 strand of pearls, “But they’re for my daughter.” they said. The list goes on and on, as do they. The amount of work these people put into knocking a few cents off some knick knack or another is fascinating. When they try to get devious about it, it gets downright hilarious.

True to Greenpoint chiseler form, this woman waits until Larry is out of earshot and approaches me. Stock pot in hand she comes to the counter. She plunks down a couple of bills, concealed beneath them is an assortment of change. I remove the bills. This is clearly not seven dollars.

Customer: Seven dollars, yes?
Me: This is not seven dollars.
Customer: Seven dollars, yes?
Me: THIS IS NOT SEVEN DOLLARS!
Larry: Just take it so she’ll get out of here.
Me: Fine. (I take the money, put it in the till and go back to work, she’s still standing there with a big insipid smile on her face)
Customer: A bag, yes?
Me: No.
Customer: Bag?
Me: No. You didn’t pay the asking price, you are not getting a bag.

I go back to work and she is still standing there.

Customer: Bag?
Me: That’ll cost you extra.

Larry’s colleague Jay, who happens to be seated within earshot of this repetitive exchange, is laughing.

Customer: Bag?
Me: NO. You did not pay the asking price for that pot and yet you ask me for a bag. Leave.
Customer: Bag?
Me: You crack me up. Would you like me to take the thing fucking home for you? Would you like me to do that? God, what is your problem?

Then I summarily threw a bag over the counter and went back to work.

Jay finally spoke up:

I wouldn’t have given her that bag.

Me: I didn’t want to, you know. I only did it so she would fuck off.

She was standing two feet in front of me when I said this. Did it faze her? Absolutely not. Such is the level of abuse these people are willing to withstand in order to get what they want. In this case, 28 cents and a bag. Damned pathetic if you ask me.

Miss Heather

The Decline of Western Civilization

September 24, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Pundits have all sorts of reasons for America’s decline in status on the world stage. Although not an economist, sociologist, or political science major, I too have an opinion on this phenomenon. You want to know why other countries (at least the few left that don’t hate us) think we’re stupid and lazy? Here you go.

Decline of Western Civilization

I found this sign in the bathroom at a strip mall on McGuinness Boulevard.

Miss Heather

110 Green Street Speaks…

September 23, 2007 ·
Filed under: Crazy People, Dung of the Day, Greenpoint Magic, Other Shit 

about Miss Heather’s intelligence (or lack thereof), her husband’s infidelities and much, much more!

I had honestly not planned on posting much today. After an eight hour long fiasco at La Guardia airport yesterday (which culminated in me coming back home and missing my sister in law’s wedding), I am exhausted. What’s more, I had no idea what to write about. Thankfully, someone who appears to work at 110 Green Street has provided me ample fodder.

Before I continue I want to say I really value the comments I get on New York Shitty. We may not all know each other (or agree), but it is nice to see Greenpointers exchanging ideas and neighborhood intelligence. It gives me some hope that the sense of community here might survive the many (and mostly BAD) changes this neighborhood is currently undergoing.

Conversely, I have no time whatsoever for abusive comments or the people who post them. The previous people should start their own blogs because their rubbish is not going to see the light of day on mine. Save the following nut job. Not only did he see fit to spend the wee hours of the morning hurtling semi-literate abuse my direction, but he also gave his employer (presumably 110 Green Street) more negative publicity than I could ever dream of dishing out!

Ready for some 110 Green Street nastiness? Strap on your safety helmets folks, it’s gonna be a rough ride!

#1. Regarding Seeing Double at 110 Green Street; posted at 2:27 a.m. PST

Nastygram #1

I fail to see what my having a job or not (I do, by the way) has to do with this company’s disregard for the safety and overall well-being of its neighbors.

#2 Regarding Greenpoint: The Napping Spot; posted at 2:41 a.m. PST

Nastygram #2

Not the last time I checked. But if I am can I get a job at 110 Green? Just curious.

#3 Regarding Seeing Double at 110 Green Street (again); posted at 2:50 a.m. PST

Nastygram #3

What’s with this man’s preoccupation with people having a “real JOB”? I guess anyone who isn’t hired to build cheaply made “luxury” condominiums (poke holes into adjacent buildings and pour cement only to jackhammer it back up a week or two later) does not have, in his unique little world view, a “real JOB.” Who knew? I didn’t. But how would I? It has already been established that I am mentally retarded. Perhaps that’s why I don’t have a “real JOB”?

#4 Regarding Hello Suckers; posted at 3:05 a.m. PST

Nastygram #4

You know, this chap might have a point. I probably was the biggest asshole in Greenpoint (which is one word, by the way). WAS. I have been deposed. I’ll give you, dear readers, three guesses by whom.

Thanks again for the writing material “Hammmer38″. If it wasn’t for you today’s offerings would have been kind of dull. I am certain your employer will also thank you for the articulate and professional face you have given his business. With employees like you, who needs enemies?

Miss Heather

P.S.: My husband may be a philanderer, but he is also a Senior Systems Administrator at an Ivy League University. I have charged him with tracing this chap’s IP address. I can hardly wait to learn who this guy is.

UPDATE, 9/25/07: As it would happen, I walked by 110 Green Street Monday, September 24th. The time was 7:25 p.m.

110 Green Street 9/24/07 7:25 p.m.

Business as usual. Wonder if they have a variance to work this late? Probably not. It’s not like they’ve let trivial matters like that bother them before.

Bogart Street Stinky Shit Sign

September 23, 2007 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Dog Shit Signage, Williamsburg 

Last week I found the following little fella on Bogart just north of Moore Street.

Clean up your shit

I would have missed this splendid sign had I not been busy watching the sidewalk for dog bombs (and there were plenty, believe you me). The visual representation of the stench wafting up from the pile of poo is a nice touch. Then again, what else would we expect from the artists’ haven that is East Williamsburg, Bushwick, East Williamsburg— I give up: here?

Miss Heather