The New Park on Manhattan Avenue

October 25, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Since it is a dreary day I thought it would be nice to share the latest photos I have taken of the new park under construction at the northern terminus of Manhattan Avenue.

Park, 10/22/07

All the walkways have been paved.

Park Detail, 10/22/07

Park benches and decorative rocks have been installed.

Park Detail 2, 10/22/07

Shrubberies have been planted. All in all, it looks very nice.

Keep Out

Too bad the scenery to be enjoyed there is luxury condoville in Queens West.

I have yet to get any word as to when this park will be open to the public. I can advise people to stay out of it in the meantime, though: a week ago a friend of mine saw the police arrest a man who was fishing* here. Whether or not it was for trespassing or being incredibly stupid is anyone’s guess.

Miss Heather

*Yes, some Greenpointers actually fish in Newtown Creek (and the East River). They don’t release either; they take these scrumptious morsels home to eat. I have seen this with my own eyes.

Another Halloween Party: Palace Cafe

October 25, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Palace Cafe

This one was brought to my attention by a reader named Sherry. She writes:

I… wanted to let you know there’s an adults-only Halloween costume party at the Park Palace Café (Nassau and Russell), known as Goodman’s for some reason to my family, on October 27. I might drop by uncostumed to see how hipsterized what I remember as a working-class bar has become.

I walked by this very establishment yesterday and it does look pretty hipsterized. Inasmuch as it is possible (McGolrick Park is homeless person H.Q.) , anyway. Here are the deets about the party:

WHAT: Halloween Costume Bash and Art Party

WHERE: The Palace Cafe, Nassau Avenue at Russell Street

WHEN: Saturday, October 27, dusk until closing

There will be a prize for best costume and art work by Lenka Curtain is to be featured.

So there have you! Yet another Halloween party to choose from on this upcoming Halloween(ish) weekend!

Miss Heather

#7 of the Greenpoint 10 is…

October 25, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

218 Eckford Street

my buddies over at Belvedere Partners, Inc. The above-depicted Belvedere is currently under construction at 218 Eckford Street. I have no idea which “number” this one will be. Hell, I suspect even the evil masterminds behind this turd probably don’t know either: there are so damned many of them now even they occasionally lose track.

For better or worse, these tacky buildings (and their absurdly over-sized balconies) have become a defining characteristic of the Garden Spot’s landscape. What’s more, I discovered via Belvedere Partners’s web site we are set to get yet another one.

Coming soon…

On Manhattan Avenue, no less. The above address for Belvedere VII sounded inexplicably familiar to me, so I poked around my ever-expanding collection of all things Belvedere and looked it up on the Department of Buildings web site. It didn’t take me very long to figure out why this address rung a bell. Which brings me to this week’s motivational poster.

Futility

The best (and only) thing I can liken the Belvedere phenomenon to is a hydra. You cut one head off and another one simply takes its place. Sure, Greenpoint lost one uglyass piece of illegal advertising, but consider what is going to take its place: a doublewide Belvedere. It’s sort of like trading gonorrhea for stage four syphilis.

Miss Heather

Halloween Decoration Du Jour

October 24, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Inspired by the Gowanus Lounge’s daily dose of Halloween goodness, I have decided to follow his example and feature some cool Halloween decorations from right here in Greenpoint. Today’s offering hails from Leonard Street.

Headless Man

Perhaps he is contractor pooped after a busy day building Belvederes?

Miss Heather

Hillary Hilarity on Norman Avenue

October 24, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

S & A for Hillary

S & A Building Development loves them some Hillary.

Next Two

A smartass with a can of spray paint does not share their enthusiasm.

Such is the smash-jaw world of Greenpoint politics. I love it. We air dissent in a civilized and witty fashion, unlike our high falutin neighbors in Boerum Hill. When drug dealers or chicken bone tossers blight their door steps, Boerum Hill calls 911. We Greenpointers, on the other hand, call it home.

Hillary hater or not.

Miss Heather

Williamsburg Needs Neuticles!

NEUTICLES!

I came across the above sticker yesterday on Maspeth Avenue west of Olive Street. Amused, I took a photo of it. I had my suspicions as to what “Neuticles” were, so upon arriving home I immediately Googled it. They were exactly what I thought they would be (from neuticles.com):

Over 225,000 caring pet owners Worldwide have selected Neuticles as a safe, practical and inexpensive option when neutering.

Neuticles allowing your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering.

I spent an hour perusing this web site. I advise you, dear readers, to do the same. It is a comedy goldmine:

Neuticles are just plain neat!
—Rush Limbaugh

I wonder when Rush saw fit to lavish this praise upon Neuticles? Was it before or after he got caught with that illicit bottle of Viagra? If he had followed his own advice and got himself some Neuticles Rush might not have found himself in the previous predicament. He also would have spared the American people a lot of pain and suffering thinking about his bloated sack of pus hot air having sex.

Believe it or not, the “satisfied customers section” is even better:

I’ve put off neutering “Crooked Joe” for months and when I found out about Neuticles and spoke to them it made me feel better about neutering. Joe not only looks the same now- but dosen’t know he’s missing anything.

He’s a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one.

And my personal favorite:

Frodo never knew he lost anything and is just a happier little dog since he’s been neutered with Neuticles.

Perhaps the previous pet owner should rename her canine companion Scroto Baggins? Just a thought.

Those of you who are interested in this product should be advised that the (s)experts at Neuticles have a vast assortment of nut bags for you to choose from. The budget conscious ball sack connoisseur can purchase the basic, no frills “Original” model, the more effete testicular snob can spend a little extra and get the “Ultraplus” model with Scargard.

Sizes range from XL, for pets weighing 110-190 pounds (in which case one nut will cost you $189 or you can get a pair for $269) to XS, for pets weighing 3-8 pounds (in which case one nutlet will set you back $59 or a pair can be had for a measly $94). What a bargain!

Cat owners, don’t despair: they have the perfect pair of balls for your pussy. All you need to do is grab that mouse, point and click! All major credit cards are accepted.

In closing, I have to confess that I have developed Neuticle envy while writing this post. Yesterday I walked to Artist & Craftsman Supply to buy some paper mache. Such is the real estate hoax of pimping Greenpoint as being an ‘artistic’ neighborhood: artists may reside here, but there are no longer any stores here to facilitate their (my, our) habit. North Brooklyn:

Be an artist or just look like one!

So off to East Williamsburg I went. And in so doing, I became the unwitting (and unwilling) object of affection for a number of fellows along the way. Hisses, whistles and yelling greeted me as I approached the BQE. As I recounted to a friend of mine later:

…my trek to the art supply store on Metropolitan Avenue and back was a gauntlet of hisses and whistles. One especially creepy guy beckoned for me to come over to his van (!!!) and talk to him. This was on Meeker (by the BQE), which made the situation even creepier. I am fucking 30-something years old. I am NOT going to walk over to some stranger’s van and to talk to him. Much less by the BQE. The previous scenario has “coming to the back of a milk carton near you” written all over it.

Perhaps if I had a pair of Neuticles, the previous chap would have left me alone? I don’t want the “XS” model either. I want ‘em SO BIG I’ll need a handtruck to carry them.

Miss Heather

Hot Ass on Eckford Street

October 23, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

After noticing that 209 1/2 Eckford has been “modified” without the auspices of a permit (within 250 feet of a parked Department of Buildings vehicle, no less), I decided to swing by today and see if what I beheld last weekend was the product of immaculate construction*. It wasn’t.

209 1/2 Eckford Street

When I took the above photo at 2:20 p.m. today it was raining men. HALLELUJAH!

Hot Ass on Eckford Street

Permit or not, I bet you could bounce a quarter off that ass. A-MEN!

Hands off Patricia, he’s mine. Hop into one of those hybrid DOBmobiles, drive up here and get your own. It would be nice if you would see fit to issue a few stop work orders while you’re at it, but this is only a suggestion.

Miss Heather

*Props to the proprietor of the Gowanus Lounge for coining this term. It has become my new toy.

Is a New Fabric Store Coming to Greenpoint?

October 23, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

232 Calyer

If this sign is any indication, the answer is yes!

Tip Top Fabrics

The above photo only shows part of the enormous space “Tip Top Fabrics” will occupy. It certainly looks like they are in the final stretch preparation-wise and will soon be open for business. Given the number of Greenpointers (like myself) whose creative endeavors require textiles, a well-appointed local fabric retailer would be a godsend. B. E. Yarn is an okay place to buy notions, but let’s face facts: their selection of fabric is minuscule and HIDEOUS.

Miss Heather

Miss Heather’s Monitor Museum

October 23, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Yesterday I simply could not get that melange of monitors on McGuinness Boulevard off my mind. Not only did I make a trip to see how they’re progressing disintegrating, but I also checked out a location notorious for monitor activity (television and computer alike): 210 Newel Street. I was not disappointed.

Monitor and oatmeal

I have entitled the above photo “Monitor with Oatmeal”.

After mentioning the above find to my husband (who, being the I. T. professional he is, was certain to note how toxic the innards of monitors are) I had a revelation: smashing up monitors is to Greenpoint what baseball is to America. It is The Garden Spot’s Game.

To this end I am starting an online museum showcasing Greenpoint’s manifold mashed-up monitors. If you see a monitor on your block worthy of induction (the more fucked up, the better), please take a photo of it and/or note the address and email it to me at:

missheather (at) newyorkshitty (dot) com

Thanks!

Miss Heather
Founder and Curator
Miss Heather’s Monitor Museum
Greenpoint, Brooklyn 11222

Poop in the Water

October 23, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic 

It

Yesterday evening I discovered a costume contest we Greenpointers are (over) qualified to win. It is the S.W.I.M. Coalition Halloween Party “Crappiest Costume Contest”. Here is an excerpt from the press announcement I received:

What’s scarier than poop in the water? Enter our Crappiest Costume Contest and find out! Come dressed as the ickiest thing you can imagine finding afloat on the East River or living in an NYC sewer.

The criteria clearly states “the ickiest thing you can imagine finding afloat” or “living” in the above locations. Less imaginative folk will probably dress up as a condom, pile of rubbish, nuclear waste, etc. I for one recommend taking a more esoteric approach. The following are a few examples which illustrate what I am getting at:

  1. Dick Cheney: This man is scary. The prospect of this chap inhabiting New York City’s sewer system (or the East River) is even more frightening— and appropriate. He is possibly the humanoid on earth who could survive down there. Hell, he’d probably feel right at home.
  2. Phil Spector: For pretty much same reasons as I listed for #1.
  3. Gary Glitter: Not only is he creepy looking like Phil Spector, he’s also a pedophile. I think he trolls our sewer system looking for underage C.H.U.D.s to “photograph”.
  4. Leona Helmsley: The Queen of Mean is dead… or is she? I think the noxious soup in our sewer system rejuvenated her. Now she walks the streets a zombie searching for her shit dog, assaulting hotel maids and stealing their tips.

As you can see, I possess a very vivid imagination. Most Greenpointers do, for that matter. The above suggestions are but a fraction of the glory we can achieve. For this reason I implore you to use the vast resources of your imagination, hop on the G train and show these people that we Garden Spotters know our shit.*

WHAT: S.W.I.M. Coalition Halloween Party

WHEN: Sunday, October 28, from 7:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m.

WHERE: Habana Outpost 757 Fulton Street (at South Portland St.)

Happy haunting!

Miss Heather

*Or you can leave your suggestion(s) for a costume in the comments section for all to enjoy. I’d love to see what you guys (and gals) dream up.