Greenpoint
Cafe Cito Bogota
The New Park on Manhattan Avenue
Filed under: Area 51
Since it is a dreary day I thought it would be nice to share the latest photos I have taken of the new park under construction at the northern terminus of Manhattan Avenue.
All the walkways have been paved.
Park benches and decorative rocks have been installed.
Shrubberies have been planted. All in all, it looks very nice.
Too bad the scenery to be enjoyed there is luxury condoville in Queens West.
I have yet to get any word as to when this park will be open to the public. I can advise people to stay out of it in the meantime, though: a week ago a friend of mine saw the police arrest a man who was fishing* here. Whether or not it was for trespassing or being incredibly stupid is anyone’s guess.
Miss Heather
*Yes, some Greenpointers actually fish in Newtown Creek (and the East River). They don’t release either; they take these scrumptious morsels home to eat. I have seen this with my own eyes.
Another Halloween Party: Palace Cafe
Filed under: Area 51
This one was brought to my attention by a reader named Sherry. She writes:
I… wanted to let you know there’s an adults-only Halloween costume party at the Park Palace Café (Nassau and Russell), known as Goodman’s for some reason to my family, on October 27. I might drop by uncostumed to see how hipsterized what I remember as a working-class bar has become.
I walked by this very establishment yesterday and it does look pretty hipsterized. Inasmuch as it is possible (McGolrick Park is homeless person H.Q.) , anyway. Here are the deets about the party:
WHAT: Halloween Costume Bash and Art Party
WHERE: The Palace Cafe, Nassau Avenue at Russell Street
WHEN: Saturday, October 27, dusk until closing
There will be a prize for best costume and art work by Lenka Curtain is to be featured.
So there have you! Yet another Halloween party to choose from on this upcoming Halloween(ish) weekend!
Miss Heather
#7 of the Greenpoint 10 is…
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
my buddies over at Belvedere Partners, Inc. The above-depicted Belvedere is currently under construction at 218 Eckford Street. I have no idea which “number” this one will be. Hell, I suspect even the evil masterminds behind this turd probably don’t know either: there are so damned many of them now even they occasionally lose track.
For better or worse, these tacky buildings (and their absurdly over-sized balconies) have become a defining characteristic of the Garden Spot’s landscape. What’s more, I discovered via Belvedere Partners’s web site we are set to get yet another one.
On Manhattan Avenue, no less. The above address for Belvedere VII sounded inexplicably familiar to me, so I poked around my ever-expanding collection of all things Belvedere and looked it up on the Department of Buildings web site. It didn’t take me very long to figure out why this address rung a bell. Which brings me to this week’s motivational poster.
The best (and only) thing I can liken the Belvedere phenomenon to is a hydra. You cut one head off and another one simply takes its place. Sure, Greenpoint lost one uglyass piece of illegal advertising, but consider what is going to take its place: a doublewide Belvedere. It’s sort of like trading gonorrhea for stage four syphilis.
Miss Heather
Halloween Decoration Du Jour
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Inspired by the Gowanus Lounge’s daily dose of Halloween goodness, I have decided to follow his example and feature some cool Halloween decorations from right here in Greenpoint. Today’s offering hails from Leonard Street.
Perhaps he is contractor pooped after a busy day building Belvederes?
Miss Heather
Hillary Hilarity on Norman Avenue
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
S & A Building Development loves them some Hillary.
A smartass with a can of spray paint does not share their enthusiasm.
Such is the smash-jaw world of Greenpoint politics. I love it. We air dissent in a civilized and witty fashion, unlike our high falutin neighbors in Boerum Hill. When drug dealers or chicken bone tossers blight their door steps, Boerum Hill calls 911. We Greenpointers, on the other hand, call it home.
Hillary hater or not.
Miss Heather
Short Bus, Sick Bus, One of Us
As a relative newcomer to Greenpoint I find myself in an interesting position. Most of the people who moved here before me are gone. They had children and/or can no longer afford to live here. On the other hand, there are still the old-time hoodie macs and their/my/our, new neighbors: affluent, obnoxious, drunk white people.
I have been “affluent”, “obnoxious”, “drunk” and “white” —but never at the same time. I exercise considerable restraint regarding my lack of restraint. To do otherwise would be rude and disrespectful. Like the chick I had the pleasure of insulting last weekend.
My husband and I were exiting the G train. That’s when a hoodie mac strapped a Durag on his head and commenced bellowing incoherently for everyone’s edification.
Me: What the fuck is that about? Were we riding the short bus or something?
Husband: The G train is the short bus.
Me: Yeah, but this is like the shortest of short buses. It carries people even the short bus won’t take. The shortest of short bus people.
Upon hearing the previous, said hoodie mac chimed in:
Short BUS! Short BUS! Short BUS!
I was immediately won over. Who the fuck am I to judge a fellow short bus train patron? We’re all ‘tards in the eyes of the MTA. Regardless of race, class, creed or sexual orientation. Apathy is equal opportunity when it comes to rapid transit in Greenpoint. Fortified with new found pride, I chanted “Short BUS! Short BUS! Short BUS!” until we arrived at the corner bodega to buy milk.
When we walked in there was a couple attempting to buy three six packs of Budweiser. A suit man (A man. Wearing a suit. In Greenpoint. At 10:00 p.m.) and chick wearing tight pants.
They were giggling inanely.
They had “war paint” on their faces.
They were white.
They were drunk as hell.
They were Cherohonkees.
And we had the pleasure of waiting behind them. It was HELL.
The squaw attempted to pay for the beer, but the chief refused. He clumsily shoved the money back into her fist. She then saw fit to shove it into the rear pocket of his pants, copping a nice feel of his ass in the process. I got nauseous.
Me: Get a room, there’s a hotel just down the street!
Squaw: (oblivious)
Then it got worse. The rest of the “tribe” arrived. Two men in suits with ties and bimbos to match.
One shouted:
Tribal Party!
Then they commenced to beat their war painted faces and “Woo Woo Woo-ed” for the edification of their own egos and anyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot. D.W. Griffith would have been proud.
I wasn’t. I just wanted to buy a quart of milk and go home.
Eventually my husband and I bought our milk. As we were leaving, one of the squaws tried to convince the shopkeeper that he needed to wear face paint. He politely declined.
That’s when I started chanting:
Short BUS! Short BUS! Short BUS!
Believe it or not, this hurt her feelings:
That’s not very nice!
No, it isn’t. But holding up the queue at a corner bodega with your alcohol/cocaine/self-important fueled bullshit isn’t very nice either, now is it?
In hindsight I realize I might have been wrong. They probably didn’t ride into Greenpoint on the steel horse that is the short bus G train. They probably took the SICK BUS instead.
Future leaders of America, follow the arrows and get on the bus. The SICK BUS. Next stop: the presidency.
Miss Heather
Williamsburg Needs Neuticles!
I came across the above sticker yesterday on Maspeth Avenue west of Olive Street. Amused, I took a photo of it. I had my suspicions as to what “Neuticles” were, so upon arriving home I immediately Googled it. They were exactly what I thought they would be (from neuticles.com):
Over 225,000 caring pet owners Worldwide have selected Neuticles as a safe, practical and inexpensive option when neutering.
Neuticles allowing your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering.
I spent an hour perusing this web site. I advise you, dear readers, to do the same. It is a comedy goldmine:
Neuticles are just plain neat!
—Rush Limbaugh
I wonder when Rush saw fit to lavish this praise upon Neuticles? Was it before or after he got caught with that illicit bottle of Viagra? If he had followed his own advice and got himself some Neuticles Rush might not have found himself in the previous predicament. He also would have spared the American people a lot of pain and suffering thinking about his bloated sack of pus hot air having sex.
Believe it or not, the “satisfied customers section” is even better:
I’ve put off neutering “Crooked Joe” for months and when I found out about Neuticles and spoke to them it made me feel better about neutering. Joe not only looks the same now- but dosen’t know he’s missing anything.
He’s a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one.
And my personal favorite:
Frodo never knew he lost anything and is just a happier little dog since he’s been neutered with Neuticles.
Perhaps the previous pet owner should rename her canine companion Scroto Baggins? Just a thought.
Those of you who are interested in this product should be advised that the (s)experts at Neuticles have a vast assortment of nut bags for you to choose from. The budget conscious ball sack connoisseur can purchase the basic, no frills “Original” model, the more effete testicular snob can spend a little extra and get the “Ultraplus” model with Scargard.
Sizes range from XL, for pets weighing 110-190 pounds (in which case one nut will cost you $189 or you can get a pair for $269) to XS, for pets weighing 3-8 pounds (in which case one nutlet will set you back $59 or a pair can be had for a measly $94). What a bargain!
Cat owners, don’t despair: they have the perfect pair of balls for your pussy. All you need to do is grab that mouse, point and click! All major credit cards are accepted.
In closing, I have to confess that I have developed Neuticle envy while writing this post. Yesterday I walked to Artist & Craftsman Supply to buy some paper mache. Such is the real estate hoax of pimping Greenpoint as being an ‘artistic’ neighborhood: artists may reside here, but there are no longer any stores here to facilitate their (my, our) habit. North Brooklyn:
Be an artist or just look like one!
So off to East Williamsburg I went. And in so doing, I became the unwitting (and unwilling) object of affection for a number of SHemen along the way. Hisses, whistles and yelling greeted me as I approached the BQE. As I recounted to a friend of mine later:
…my trek to the art supply store on Metropolitan Avenue and back was a gauntlet of hisses and whistles. One especially creepy guy beckoned for me to come over to his van (!!!) and talk to him. This was on Meeker (by the BQE), which made the situation even creepier. I am fucking 30-something years old. I am NOT going to walk over to some stranger’s van and to talk to him. Much less by the BQE. The previous scenario has “abducted and raped” written all over it.
Perhaps if I had a pair of Neuticles, the previous chap would have left me alone? I don’t want the “XS” model either. I want ‘em SO BIG I’ll need a handtruck to carry them. It would help my self esteem.
Miss Heather
Hot Ass on Eckford Street
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
After noticing that 209 1/2 Eckford has been “modified” without the auspices of a permit (within 250 feet of a parked Department of Buildings vehicle, no less), I decided to swing by today and see if what I beheld last weekend was the product of immaculate construction*. It wasn’t.
When I took the above photo at 2:20 p.m. today it was raining men. HALLELUJAH!
Permit or not, I bet you could bounce a quarter off that ass. A-MEN!
Hands off Patricia, he’s mine. Hop into one of those hybrid DOBmobiles, drive up here and get your own. It would be nice if you would see fit to issue a few stop work orders while you’re at it, but this is only a suggestion.
Miss Heather
*Props to the proprietor of the Gowanus Lounge for coining this term. It has become my new toy.
Is a New Fabric Store Coming to Greenpoint?
Filed under: Area 51
If this sign is any indication, the answer is yes!
The above photo only shows part of the enormous space “Tip Top Fabrics” will occupy. It certainly looks like they are in the final stretch preparation-wise and will soon be open for business. Given the number of Greenpointers (like myself) whose creative endeavors require textiles, a well-appointed local fabric retailer would be a godsend. B. E. Yarn is an okay place to buy notions, but let’s face facts: their selection of fabric is minuscule and HIDEOUS.
Miss Heather
Miss Heather’s Monitor Museum
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Yesterday I simply could not get that melange of monitors on McGuinness Boulevard off my mind. Not only did I make a trip to see how they’re progressing disintegrating, but I also checked out a location notorious for monitor activity (television and computer alike): 210 Newel Street. I was not disappointed.
I have entitled the above photo “Monitor with Oatmeal”.
After mentioning the above find to my husband (who, being the I. T. professional he is, was certain to note how toxic the innards of monitors are) I had a revelation: smashing up monitors is to Greenpoint what baseball is to America. It is The Garden Spot’s Game.
To this end I am starting an online museum showcasing Greenpoint’s manifold mashed-up monitors. If you see a monitor on your block worthy of induction (the more fucked up, the better), please take a photo of it and/or note the address and email it to me at:
missheather (at) newyorkshitty (dot) com
Thanks!
Miss Heather
Founder and Curator
Miss Heather’s Monitor Museum
Greenpoint, Brooklyn 11222
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