A Tempest Over A Teapot

December 31, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Williamsburg 

I have recently learned that there is one serious downside to Mr. Heather having a digital camera: I now have a companion on my picture-taking sorties. This probably sounds touching to some of you— and I suppose if you are not married to Mr. Heather it is. If you are, however, married to Mr. Heather (as I am) you would realize it is but only another facilitator for our (numerous) verbal skirmishes.

Do I hate Mr. Heather? No. Am I going to set the bed on fire one night while he sleeps. Absolutely not. Some couples gaze at each other with starry-eyed expressions. Their more medicated brethren engage in coke-induced foreplay on Bedford Avenue or Berry Street. Still others send cutesy text messages to each other in “LOL” speak. Mr. Heather and I argue: it is the foundation of our relationship.

Verbal altercations are foreplay to us; after cutting our teeth on each other we usually join forces and ridicule the above-listed public displayers of affection. Screw romance. In 10-20 years you’ll just grow to loathe each other anyway, so why not skip the preliminaries? Mr. Heather and I have. We have crammed at least 30 years of acrimony and repressed anger into two years of marriage. This is no small accomplishment. But I digress.

Today Mr. Heather accompanied me on my walk, and true to form, he soon got on my nerves. First it was what to have for lunch: we argued. Then it was which wines to buy: I told him I didn’t care. Lastly (and most crassly) we bickered over a teapot.

Pink Kettle

This teapot, which now graces our rather filthy stove top.

When my parents asked me what Mr. Heather wanted for Christmas, I told them to get him a gift certificate at The Brooklyn Kitchen. I suggested this because:

  1. Mr. Heather thinks with his stomach— and given the capacity this organ has, I’d hazard to guess he thinks a lot. Mostly about food.
  2. When my parents bought him a gift certificate there for his birthday, Mr. Heather left longing for a teapot.
  3. The peeps who operate The Brooklyn Kitchen are really funny, down-to-earth and helpful people. The previous qualities are good ones to have when dealing with Mr. and Miss Heather. Today was no exception.

When we arrived I was more than a little unnerved. I asked a woman working there if she would be willing to trade Woody (the resident canine) for my my husband. She seemed a little confused by this at first, so I reiterated my offer:

Are you willing to trade him (pointing at Woody) for him (pointing at Mr. Heather)?

Wisely, she declined.

After quibbling over knives, knife holders and a salad mixer (the latter of which, we’d probably never use), Mr. Heather set his sights on the object of his desire: a Le Creuset teapot. He asked me no less than three times if he should get it.

Me: Get it, you clearly want to.
Mr. Heather: (hemming and hawing)
Me (to Taylor, an employee of The Brooklyn Kitchen): Please tell him he wants that teapot.
Taylor: You want that teapot.
Me: Thank you. Get the pink one, it will match our kitchen.

He did. As we were checking out, I quipped:

Nothing says “I have been emasculated” like buying a pink teapot.

To wit, Taylor replied:

No, nothing says “I have been emasculated” like asking your wife if you can buy a pink teapot.

How very true.

I’d like to give a big shout-out of thanks to the folks at The Brooklyn Kitchen for their patience with/tolerance of our Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf shenanigans. I am pleased to report that Mr. Heather has used his new teapot with success. What’s more, that atomizer for salad vinegar we bought works smashingly for spritzing Pernod (to make Sazeracs).

Miss Heather

P.S.: The Brooklyn Kitchen is still accepting canned goods on behalf of the Greenpoint Reformed Church’s food pantry. You can drop off canned goods at:

The Brooklyn Kitchen
616 Lorimer Street
Brooklyn, New York 11211
(718) 389-2982

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Where’s Sancho?

December 31, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

One thing I love about Greenpoint (and New York City in general) is no matter how many times I walk down any given street, there is always some hitherto undiscovered treasure waiting to be discovered. Case in point: When I walked down Richardson Street last weekend I made the acquaintance of none other than Don Quixote.

Don Quixote

Those of you who are interested in meeting the man from La Mancha in person can do so two doors east of the Parish Diner (roughly the intersection of Richardson and North Henry Street). I have no word as to Sancho Panza’s whereabouts. Perhaps he got deported?

Miss Heather

The B43 Stoop

December 30, 2007 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

Bus Stop Stoop

Now that they have decided to raise our fares, I hope the MTA will hire somebody to raise this bus time table as well.

Miss Heather

Feral Cats Get Life in L.A.

December 29, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Los Angeles Times, 12/29/07

…unlike New York Shitty.

I never thought I would see the day that I would diss New York City and praise Los Angeles. I have lived in many places (including Irvine, California); Greenpoint is the only place I have ever felt at home. That said, we live in desperate times and I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by anything anymore. While the Port Authority seeks to exterminate feral cats, our friends in the city of angels have found a more humane and pragmatic alternative. Per my left coast tipster:

…felines have been introduced, to great effect, at several stations with rodent problems. Parker Center may get them too.

What is she referring to you ask? Click here and find out!

Miss Heather

Photo Credit: Bob Chamberlin, L.A.Times

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Cult, Cup and Kool Aid

December 29, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Cult, Cup and Koolaid

Someone at Norman Avenue and Banker Street has a very, very sick sense of humor.

Miss Heather

P.S.: When I showed the above photo to my husband he laughed. I told him there was a band called “Jim Jones and the Kool Aid Kids.” He thought I was kidding. I wasn’t.

Astral Mattress Du Jour: December 28, 2007

December 28, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Astral Apartments 12/28/07 4:25 p.m.

Astral Apartments, December 28, 2007, 4:25 p.m.

Miss Heather

History of New York City, Part I

December 28, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

History of New York City

Today I have a little treat for everybody who wishes to look busy at his (or her) place of employment while not doing any actual work: I have uploaded the first nine chapters from a textbook about New York City history dating from 1899. That’s one year after consolidation! The contents (thus far) are as follows:

  • A Map of the City
  • Preface
  • Chapter One: Introduction
  • Chapter Two: The Dutch Dynasty – Peter Miniut
  • Chapter Three: Wouter Van Twiller
  • Chapter Four: Wilhelm Kieft
  • Chapter Five: Petrus Stuyvesant
  • Chapter Six: Dutch Manners and Customs
  • Chapter Seven: The English Colonial Period
  • Chapter Eight: The English Colonial Period – Leisler’s Revolt
  • Chapter Nine: The Approach of the Revolution

All the above can be accessed by clicking here.


Miss Heather

To Whomever Maintains the Fraternal Order of Police Call List

December 27, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

As we established earlier this afternoon, “Mrs. Valle” does not live at the number your phone bank employee dialed. I do. I apologize for rudely hanging up on him. He sounded like a very nice chap, but given recent events it was the most courteous response I could muster. Please accept my sincerest apologies.

And remove my number from your call list.


Miss Heather

Curb Your Dog!

December 27, 2007 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit Signage 

It has been a while since I have featured some dog shit signage here at New York Shitty. I simply haven’t found anything that has struck me. This weekend that changed.

Curb Your Dog!

My husband and I saw the above “sign” while walking home last weekend. Though lacking in witty repartee, its sheer size is worth noting. I guess I should expect as much on a street named Clifford Place.

Miss Heather

Miss Heather’s Stocking Stuffer Cavalcade

December 26, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Call me a hypocrite. While I am not really a holiday season kind of gal, I always look forward to opening Christmas presents. This goes double for presents from my best buddy Rachael. She always picks out the most interesting gifts. This year was no exception.

Super 77

One can of spray adhesive. Mr. Heather was a little disturbed by this item, as he suspected I might put it to some suspect use. More specifically, on him:

Great, now you can glue my dick to my stomach.

I assured him I would not do such a thing. If for no other reason because the instructions forbade me from doing so.

Important Notice

Then again, maybe Rachael had this nefarious scheme in mind? Why else would she have also given me:

Clothes Pins

1. A package of clothes pins shaped like feet.

Canner air

2. A can of compressed air, and last, but not least…


3. A bottle of whiskey.

On that note I will leave you, dear readers, to draw your own conclusions.

Miss Heather