The Kids Are Not Alright

December 3, 2007 ·
Filed under: Dung of the Day, Other Shit 

I have long thought that college educations— and most of the people who sport them— were pretty much useless nowadays. This splendid example of angry signage from a woman’s dormitory at Hunter College more or less confirms it.

Dear Skank

Sherry, the provider of the above piece of photographic insight into dorm life in the 21st century, writes:

Are you an equal opportunity signage reader? The attached picture is a complaint from Hunter College’s dormitory bathroom. (Notice the hot pink accent, which lets you know it’s an all-female floor.) I deem the “fecal deposits” themselves unflushable due to a large circumference and feel as sorry for the person who has to pass them as I do for those who find them…

Maybe someone should by this “nasty skank” some Metamucil? After all, Hannukah is right around the corner.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Come to think of it, this takes me back to my dormitory days. One evening I went to the shared bathroom and discovered something quite remarkable: a toilet filled to the rim with shit. It was a veritable Matterhorn of merde. What’s more, someone was thoughtful enough to toss a sailor hat on top of it and proceeded to take another shit on top of that. I have no doubt the author of this signature piece of “sculpture” has gone on to a career in politics.

A Very Greenpoint Missed Connection

December 3, 2007 ·
Filed under: Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

What ever happened to propriety!?!

I exclaimed to a friend of mine yesterday upon being forced to listen to yet another self-absorbed hipster yammering away on her cell phone. There is no device that has utterly eroded what little sense of privacy or decency humanity had left like the good ol’ cellular telephone. People feel entitled to talk about the most fucked-up shit imaginable anywhere nowadays. My buddy Beatrice at Casa Mon Amour once heard a woman screaming to a friend of hers about getting gonorrhea from her boyfriend. Right on Franklin Street on an otherwise lovely Saturday afternoon.

If I ever caught a venereal disease I certainly wouldn’t advertise it. Greenpoint is a very small world. Word can and will get around. Sort of like bedbugs.

Craigslist Small

Which brings me to this gem discovered by Bedbuggers on Craigslist. The powers that be have since seen fit to pull it. Shame on them.

I had bedbugs, you had herpes – m4w – 29
Reply to: pers-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-29, 7:27PM EST

Damn, I wish I had that converstation to do over again. We met at Boulevard Tavern where people were wishing Harold a happy birthday. We both had a little too much to drink, and began discussing “deal breakers”. It just so happened that this was a day or so after I awoke with what felt like mosquito bites on my arms and shoulders, and I told you that I thought those might be bedbug bits. You told me that you would never sleep in a bed that had bedbugs or with a man who slept with bedbugs and I, offended, told you that I would never sleep with a woman who ever had an outbreak of herpes. So then you stalked off, leaving me with my PBR to wonder how an evening that began with such promise could go so badly.

OK, first of all, I got rid of most of my bedding, washed the rest in very hot water, encased the mattresses in vinyl encasements, and brought in an exterminator. He is convinced from the pattern and number of bites that it was a SPIDER that got me, not bedbugs. It’s been six days since I last got bit, and if there were bedbugs there, I’d have been bitten every night since. Didn’t happen, so maybe it was a spider or a mosquito. No matter, the place has been cleaned and sprayed, so there is less chance of bedbugs here than wherever else you might choose to end up. As far as the herpes crack goes, I don’t know if you have it or not, but I use condoms, and you could use valtrex, so why should this stop us? I felt a connection with you, a real one, a surprising one. It isn’t often that a man like me, living in SoHo with all those pretentious artist types, managing a mutual fund, gets to meet a girl with your look and sensitivities. I think there is something there between us worth pursuing, and we should not let the false possibility of bedbugs or blisters get between us. Write back. I want a mulligan.

* Location: Williamsboard/Greenpoint

Astral, 12/2/07 12:15 p.m.

Thanks but no thanks, Williamsboard. We Greenpointers have enough bedbugs and at least one case of gonorrhea already.

Miss Heather

Astral Mattress du Jour: First Day of December

December 2, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Astral, 12/1/07 8:44 p.m.

Astral Apartments, December 1, 2007, 8:04 p.m.

Miss Heather

FYI: The Hearts and Crafts Affair

December 1, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Hearts and Crafts Affair

Tomorrow, December 2, Cafe Grumpy will be hosting its holiday craft fair from noon until 6:00 p.m. On top of buying, selling and trading all manner and variety of arts and crafts, musical guest Mannequin Circus is slated to appear for your entertainment! Those of you who are brave enough to hazard the cold weather (and possibly snow) tomorrow should check it out.

Cafe Grumpy
193 Meserole Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222
(718) 349-7623

In closing, I’d also like to give a quick reminder that Arts in Bushwick’s Open Spaces will be held tomorrow from noon until 8:00 p.m. In addition, The Diamond Bar is currently accepting canned goods and coats on behalf of NY Cares and the Greenpoint Reformed Church food pantry. For more information about either of the previous, click please here.

Miss Heather

51 Days And Counting…

December 1, 2007 ·
Filed under: Dung of the Day, Greenpoint Magic, Other Shit 

When S.P.I.T. decides to get their SHIT together…

72 Norman Avenue

it would be greatly appreciated if the following piece of illegal advertising was removed from 72 Norman Avenue.

72 Norman Avenue 11/30/07, 2:38 p.m.

How cannot I not shake the suspicion that if our policy makers had to look at this TURD every day, it would have been removed by now. Alas, in Greenpoint (the real estate market’s current cash cow) no one seems to care.

Except me and the person who was foolish enough to call 311 and complain about it.

51 DAYS AGO.

Miss Heather