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A Little Red In Greenpoint

February 23, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

I happened upon this Greenpoint Red in the usual manner: while engaged doing something else. I was warning a fellow tenant of Chateau de Ghetto that someone has been parsing through our mailboxes. Our conversation came to an abrupt halt when I saw him, this fellow traveler of the Crosstown local.

Fellow Traveler

Miss H: Pardon me, can I take a photograph of your coat? My husband is a card-carrying Commie. Since Castro resigned he’s been really bummed out.

Bearer of the Cloth: Oh yes, the hammer and sickle. But the Soviet Union were not true Communists.

He’s right. That’s why Mr. Heather is a Trotskyite.

Miss Heather

*Brazenly. Stealth is not our felon’s strong point: he (or she) leaves the mailboxes open for our edification. Mr. Heather and I have not received mail for two days save a Victoria’s Secret catalog. I left it in the mailbox on Thursday (in the hopes this person would take) only to find it still there on Friday. Bitch.

India Street Revisited

February 22, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Today I received a very interesting email from an India Street resident who calls himself The Ghost of Willie the Barber regarding my post about the proposed India Street Park. He writes:

The actual India Street community (that is, people who live here) already had a plan for this park that would have restored the pier and made a real park. This was part of an intensive series of open-forum meetings (part of something called a “197-A” plan) that the city pretty much ignored when they put together the Big Rezoning a couple of years ago.

The City ‘s rezoning plan (which IMHO involved a lot of selling-out on the part of some community activists in league with Council member David Yassky –who, like all NYC politicos, gets most of his campaign money from real estate interests-) basically puts the whole project in the hands of the private owners of the waterfront properties.

This results in the kind of compromised idiotic crap you quite accurately reported on last week. Even if the officials like the Parks Dept. guy at that meeting- WANT to do something serious, they have no real budget – seeing as how any REAL park would need many times the amount of money available- because the street ends in concrete-hanging-over-river and would have to be demolished and re-built. Only developers have that kind of money and the rezoning actually gives developers the last word on when and how such supposedly “public” work can take place.

It is a cruel joke.

Here was part of what the community wanted to do:

THE FRIENDS OF INDIA STREET PIER is a group dedicated to the pier its members “adopted” for the benefit of the Greenpoint community. Although heavily deteriorated, the India Street pier was a popular summer refuge for many residents of North Brooklyn, who spent weekends there sunbathing, fishing, or simply enjoying the Manhattan skyline. But a near catastrophe in which seven Greenpoint residents atop the pier fell into the East River along with the pier when it collapsed in May, 1997 brought additional attention and a sense of urgency to the efforts of the Friends to speed repair of the popular pier.

According to “Willie the Barber,” President of the Friends of India Street Pier, the group envisions a “New India Street Pier” with new pilings to strengthen it and make safer, a 4′ fence on the rear half, tables, benches, and shrubbery that would provide a park-like atmosphere, a food stand that would pay rent to the city, and possibly a water fountain.

The pier would become a nice place for fishing, sunbathing and picnicking. The location offers a beautiful view of the Manhattan skyline and the ships on the East River. Recommendations for the New India street pier are an integral part of the Greenpoint 197-a Plan (see section on Waterfront Access).

T.G.O.W.B., India Street

North Brooklyn Greens

So there have you folks. The interests of our community were sold to the developers a long, long time ago. Not that this should come as a big surprise. It doesn’t to me, anyway. Nonetheless, it never ceases to anger yours truly.

Mark my words: if/when the developers decide to step up to the plate and provide park space it will not be out of the kindness of their hearts. It will be in exchange for discretionary zoning. The current limit is 24 stories. Under discretionary zoning they can build up to 40. In the meantime we can anticipate more concrete walls.

Nice, eh?

Miss Heather

Crosstown Local Cavalcade Volume VII: Vice

February 22, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

In the last installment of Crosstown Local glory we learned what market demographic is interested in a reality television series about millionaire matchmakers: women brandishing rollers while waiting for the L train. Wishing to see if the same was true of roller-clad G train patrons, I carefully watched the “Millionaire Matchmaker” posters here in Greenpoint. Not only did I discover that my fellow G trainers eschew styling their hair while patronizing public transit, but also that these posters elicited very little interest.

The aforementioned findings presented me with yet another question:

Exactly what does the Crosstown Local ridership find compelling?

After expending considerable time and effort conducting research “in the field” I can give you, dear readers, a conclusive answer: sexual perversion.

Exhibit A: the Queens-bound platform at Greenpoint Avenue

In a far away land called Greenpoint

I am certain most people are familiar with the middle poster: it raises awareness about shaken baby syndrome. Or does it?

In a land far away

The author of this annotated poster has a very interesting tale to tell. Here it is:

In a land far away, there lived a handsome little prince. On his birthday, his father an alien gave him a magical skin flute. He told the prince that every time he played this flute he could magic…

Tales of alien seduction are not really my cup of tea. But that’s okay the good ol’ G has a little something for everybody.

Exhibit B: the Smith-9th bound platform at Metropolitan Avenue


(Once again) extra-terrestrials are invoked…


as is the threat of the whip. You know, if the movie E.T. took a few tips from this person it would have been a much more interesting movie. To me, anyway.

Speaking of E.T., have you ever wondered what happened to Elliot? No worries, someone on the Smith – 9th bound platform back at Greenpoint Avenue knows.



I suppose in today’s brave new world if the aliens don’t get you, eventually the pirates will.

Last, but hardly least, there’s always the Crosstown Local classic…

Way he move

Ye olde open mouth paired with penis.

In closing, I would like to share another fascinating Greenpoint mass transit fact: our lascivious imaginings are not confined strictly to the subway. Bus stops (like this one for the B24 across from the sewage treatment plant) are also fair game.

MTA Info

Behold, the penis chicken!*

Miss Heather

*When I was in graduate school ten years ago I did a series of sculptures I called “dickheads”. At one point I converted my studio space into a barnyard. Populating this barnyard were approximately sixteen chickens and geese— but instead of beaks they sported dicks. Who knew sexualized fowl were part of Greenpoint’s collective conscious?

Pay Phone du Jour: Hanging On

February 22, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Long Island City 

Blissville Pay Phone

I found this beauty on Greenpoint Avenue in Blissville, Queens yesterday. It is easily one of the finest examples of pay phone abuse I have ever seen. With one very notable exception, of course.

The Monologue Machine

Greenpoint’s very own “Monologue Machine” will always be #1 in my book. Nobody— and I mean NOBODY— can bust up a pay phone like we Greenpointers can! Note the can of baby formula and bottle of beer. That’s what I call a balanced diet!

Miss Heather

Bushwick Photo du Jour: Bushwick Avenue

February 22, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bushwick 

Bethesda Church

While I usually deplore cheesy church signs, I have to applaud these folks for their creativity.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Greenpoint Avenue

February 22, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 


Nothing screams romance like a dozen roses and the eastern seaboard’s largest sewage treatment plant.

Miss Heather

Bed-Stuy Photo du Jour: The Truth Garage

February 22, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bed-Stuy 

The Truth Garage

From Gates Avenue.

Miss Heather

Meet The Anthrax Family

February 21, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bushwick 

The Anthrax Residence

Remember the good old days when you could have anthrax delivered right to your doorstep? Ah, memories…

Miss Heather

Bed-Stuy Photo du Jour: Bruce on Broadway

February 21, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bed-Stuy 


I have no idea whatsoever this organization does, but whatever it is I’m all for it!

Miss Heather

Intimation of Gentrification: Franklin Street

February 21, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 


If anyone in the Garden Spot is in search of an acupuncturist, we have one.

88 Franklin Street
Brooklyn, New York 11222
Hours: Tuesday and Thursday 11:00 a.m. – 7:00 p.m.
Friday and Saturday 10:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m.

Miss Heather