North Brooklyn Street Art Du Jour: Caritas

June 30, 2009 ·
Filed under: Street Art, Williamsburg 

caritas

From North 11 Street.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Photos Du Jour: Stray Cat Strut

June 30, 2009 ·
Filed under: Crazy Cat Lady, Greenpoint Magic 

orangetabby

drinking

TNR

thenthereweretwo

orangeandwhite

From Oak Street.

Miss Heather

From The New York Shitty Inbox: Coney Island Babies!

June 29, 2009 ·
Filed under: Coney Island, Crazy Cat Lady 

kittehsNYS

tummies

creamkitteh

The Editrix of Amazing The Zillion writes:

Hi Heather

I’m trying to find a home for 7 kittens from Coney a la The Gowanus Lounge’s “Adoptable Cutie of the Week.”

How could I possibly refuse to lend a hand? These bona fide Coney Island babies are the cutest damned things I have seen in a VERY long time! What’s more, can you blame them for going to Coney? They were probably hoping to catch a mermaid or two(‘s heart)!

If any of these fetching felines has caught yours— hook, line and tummy spots— you should contact Tricia at amusingthezillion (at) gmail (dot) com.

Miss Heather

Image Credits: me-myself-i

Great Moments In Real Estate Advertising: Special Long Island City Edition

June 29, 2009 ·
Filed under: Long Island City, Queens, Recession 

As time has gone by I have taken a much kinder view of our friends across the creek. I do not want to suggest I like the rather substantial apartment buildings in Long Island City: I don’t. But their advertising strategies are a constant source of fascination and amusement to yours truly. Just like the Garden Spot of the Universe no location, however wretched, is unsuitable as a place of luxurious and commodious accommodations in 11101. With the previous in mind (and tongue firmly in cheek) I will share with you some of my latest finds. Enjoy!

vere

EXHIBIT A: The Vere Condominiums
Location: Jackson Avenue and Purves Street
New York Shitty Analysis: This is a testament to the sore lack of inventiveness to be found in the advertising industry nowadays— or the impact President Obama has made in our collective consciousness. Probably both. Nonetheless $350,000 is still too much for this location. Go to the end of Purves Street— preferably late at night— and you’ll see what I am talking about. Then again if your idea of “stimulus” is being reminded of your own mortality (preferably at the hands of someone lurking in the dark shadows of a ginormous vacant lot) this might be the place for you.

doubledecker

EXHIBIT B: THIS
Location: Borden Avenue and 5th Street
New York Shitty Analysis:

Me (to Mister Heather): What the fuck? It looks they stacked one building on top of  another!
Mister Heather: Yup.

murano1

Me: HOLY SHIT!

murano2

I guess they’re trying to suggest this place is about to be launched. It looks like it is exploding. The last time I saw something like this George W. Bush bombed Afghanistan. A lot of good that has done us.

I said.

To wit the Mister said:

Or the tenants just learned there is affordable housing on the top four floors and have set it on fire.

Me: NAH, the developer defaulted on a construction loan and is torching the place for the insurance money.

startower

EXHIBITS C-E: Star Tower
Location: 28-02 42nd Road
New York Shitty Analysis: The use of “star” is rapidly becoming a pet peeve of mine. If Michael Jackson’s death has been instructive to yours truly in any way it is that I do not want to be a star. If for no other reason because racking up six figure pharmaceutical bills is beyond my means. Come to think of it, they were beyond Mr. Jackson’s as well. I guess being a star isn’t what’s cracked up to be. But I digress.

Another pet peeve of mine is also manifest at this site: the virtual absence of real people in their renderings.

starpeeps

Behold the new face of Long Island City— and it does not appear to be a very happy one at that. This woman looks like she just sucked a lemon. Or knocked back a few meds with that glass of chardonnay. Not that I’m being judgmental; if I lived a stone’s throw from Queensboro Plaza I’d be practicing the art of self-medication too.

realpeople

NOW THIS IS MORE LIKE IT! Granted, this family unit probably does not reside in the Star Tower (I’m guessing they’re headed to the rather sizable piece of Detroit steel parked to the right). This is a shame as these are the kind of people I WANT as neighbors.

If any of the advertising wizards behind the Star Tower are reading this: after a woman reaches a certain point in her life (that being the business-end of her 30′s) images of svelte women on balconies cease to be selling tools. Quite to the contrary; it serves as a reminder that she (in this case me) is no longer a size “00″— and nothing short of an eating disorder or plastic surgery is going to change this reality.

Conversely, if you were to take the above family and Photoshop them into one of your balconies— ideally with “Joe Sixpack” knocking back a few brewskis with his buddies, watching “the game” via satellite dish (which is affixed to said balcony) while wearing a ball cap which reads “This is not a bald spot, it is a solar panel for a sex machine” I’d be all over your product like white trash on Rice-a-roni. Screw sex: Schadenfreude sells!

Which brings me to our last property.

teddyisathief

The site of a former “gentleman’s club” on 27th Street I like to call “Chez Teddy”.

CLOSED

scumbag

thiefandcoward

Alas poor Teddy, I never knew the him well but suspect he got a bum rap.

HOES

A bum scantily clad with a g-string, that is.

getnaked

Clearly someone thought he was a righteous dude.

forsale

In any case this property is not only available for sale but it is also conveniently located to transportation!

viewofunderpass

One need only look up to find it. Surely there is an entrepreneur out there with the vision and finances to give this prime location the make-over it deserves? I for one envision a tower built atop the original structure. Its name will the “The Infinity” and the stripper poles currently contained therein will be incorporated into a cutting edge fitness center. Women are paying top dollar to learn this kind of thing nowadays— what’s more, in this brave new economy it never hurts to pick up a few new job skills.

Now that’s a stimulus package I for one can get behind! Preferably with a phat wad of one dollar bills.

Miss Heather

North Brooklyn’s Newest Park!

June 29, 2009 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

(Or: A Modest Proposal)

An area I am particularly fond of knocking around in East Williamsburg  is the Grand Street stop of the L. This isn’t because it is particularly nice (it isn’t). Rather, I find the industrial and residential patchwork of this community fascinating. I never know what I’ll find. This was especially true of my last trip down Grand Street. It was at 910 (just east of Bushwick Avenue) where I found the following.

TPonGrand

Hmm, this must be some of that affordable housing I have heard so much about?

I thought to myself.

trailerpark

It isn’t.

interior1

It’s a park.

interior2

And a pretty nice one at that!

interior3

There was nary a dog turd, drunken horde of rowdy teens or trace of corporate sponsorship to be found. In regards to the latter most, maybe there should be? A number of you, dear readers, are probably aware that the Parks Department is in dire financial straits nowadays. This is one of the reasons why they’re trying to sell the naming rights to the McCarren Park Pool. Some of my fellow citizens have cried foul over this. I say the Parks Department is not going far enough.

GOTHEMMORHOIDS

I would like to humbly recommend that our fair city enlist some corporate sponsors partners to build a dozen of these bad boys and station them around north Brooklyn. Hell, the Transmitter Park site is available and 65 Commercial Street, being a parking lot, would be ideally suited for one or two of these portable oases. The possibilities for directly advertising services of special interest to the residents of 11222, 11211 and 11206 are endless! 1-888-bunion-1, bedbug extermination services and of course my good friend Hongo Killer immediately come to mind.

Miss Heather

New York Shitty Day Starter: Polish Paradise

June 29, 2009 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Long Island City, Newtown Creek, Queens 

I recently learned that, contrary to popular belief, “Polish Paradise” is not located in Greenpoint. Those of you who are interested in paying this very special place a visit can can find it underneath the Pulaski Bridge in Long Island City.

PP

NOTE: not only is “Polish Paradise” seemingly bereft of Polish people, it also appears to be BYOB.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Street Art Du Jour: The Writing On The Wall

June 28, 2009 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Street Art 

iwantyouback

From Manhattan Avenue.

Miss Heather

From The New York Shitty Inbox: A Shooting On Ainslie Street?

June 28, 2009 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

J writes:

Any information on the shooting that happened last night around 11:30ish at the St. Cono di Teggiano Club at 231 Ainslie St?  I was watching a movie in an apartment nearby when I heard something that sounded like a gun shot, followed by a large crowd, several officers, two ambulances, and a some crime scene tape.  I didn’t go out to find out what was going on for fear of my own life…

My, my, my this summer is shaping up to be a fun one. Anyone out there have the 411 about this latest “incident” in North Brooklyn? If so please share via the comments. Inquiring minds want to know!

Miss Heather

New York Shitty Slide Show Du Jour: Long Island City

June 28, 2009 ·
Filed under: Long Island City, Queens 

Betty GrableNYS

As promised, follows is a selection of photographs from yesterday’s trek to Long Island City. At my journey’s end I was tired, a bit sweaty, more than a little cranky and had been rained on numerous times. No worries, gems like the above image (where a patron of the Crab House, which I am pleased to announce has reopened after a fire earlier this year, sizing up Betty Grable’s— um— assets and of course that magnificent double rainbow) made it totally worthwhile. Enjoy!

And that’s all she wrote!

Miss Heather

New York Shitty Day Ender: From Greenpoint With Love

June 27, 2009 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Long Island City, Queens 

doublerainbow

From Vernon Boulevard.

Miss Heather

P.S.: You can look forward to more photographs from my wanderings around Long Island City tomorrow!