Belvedere Blow Out!

December 10, 2007 by
Filed under: Dung of the Day, Greenpoint Magic, Other Shit 

It has been some time since I have written about my buddies over at Belvedere Partners, so today I am going to redress this egregious oversight on my part and give the scoop on two, count ’em, TWO new Belvederes! Excited yet? If not, you should be dear readers!

Belvedere XII: 150 Java Street

Cement Being Poured at Belvedere XXII

In keeping with the Belvedere landscape architecture paradigm, the entire frontage has received a heaping helping of cement. Planting trees and shrubs are for bleeding heart liberals who don’t appreciate the value-added qualities of concrete.

Can you find the Belvedere in this picture?

Belvedere XXII

You can’t? No worries, I have gone to the trouble of labeling it for you. Belvederes have a chameleon-like tendency to blend in with 100+ year old row houses. Even ones half their size. Uncanny.

Belvedere XXIV: 490 Morgan Avenue

Have you ever wondered what would happen if the aesthetic savants at Belvedere got their hands on an existing piece of property? If so, wonder no more. I have the answer: they will make it look total and utter shit.

Belvedere XXIV

Photographs scarcely do this masterpiece justice. One really needs to go to 490 Morgan Avenue and behold it in all its half-assed glory in person. Not only is the “D” missing from “Belvedere”, but the cheesy lanterns gracing the front door are not even mounted straight. Nice.

Belvedere XXIV sideview

Burglar bars: CHECK.
Friedrich and Fedders Boxes: CHECK.
Stucco: CHECK.

Oil facility

Oil storage facility down the block: CHECK.

I have long been mystified as to what “system” Belvedere uses to number their serialized schlock. Thankfully, a thorough examination of Belvedere XXII has helped me to understand the why and wherefore behind the numbering its distant cousin at 490 Morgan Avenue: it sucks twice as hard.

Haven’t had enough suckiness, you say? You crave yet more Belvedere hilarity? Check out the new Flash introduction on their web site. Belvedere Partners must be strapped for cash if they can’t hire a professional to straighten that crooked “R” on their store front. In fact, things must be really bad if the President of the company can’t outlay $4.00 for a box of Nice ‘n Easy and touch up those roots. If Mayor Mike really wanted to beautify Greenpoint he would stop planting trees, lock this woman in a beauty salon and refuse to let her out until that shit matches.

Miss Heather


One Comment on Belvedere Blow Out!

  1. Curvy Spice on Mon, 10th Dec 2007 8:38 am
  2. I like that the website animations allows for some Barbie-doll-esque arm movement from the raven-rooted hostess. Moreover, I liked this quote from the website: “All contracts are analyzed and reviewed by supreme attorneys.” I’d like to be a supreme attorney.

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