Diarrhea Daze: a few thoughts about intelligent design
Spring cleaning at Chateau de Ghetto is not unlike an Easter egg hunt: there is much ‘treasure’ to be had provided one searches diligently enough. I found the above item in our hallway as I was vacuuming the hallway this afternoon. I recognized the handwriting immediately; it is my own.
While the phrase “I’ve Got Diarrhea” pretty much speaks for itself, I’m not too sure what the alpha-numeric annotations pertain to. Perhaps it is some sort of shit cypher, who knows? I sure as fuck don’t remember. The one thing I can assert without a shadow of a doubt is that my finding this item was more than a little bit ironic. I have had diarrhea the last 2-3 days. I have also been busy puking my brains out in the wee hours of the morning.
I am pretty impervious to the common cold, influenza or any other malady that usually afflicts one’s person during the winter season. Regrettably, the same cannot be said about stomach sickness in the early spring. Take my word for it; what I had (and still have) has made the previous clear in the starkest and most repulsive terms.
Staying up all night vomiting and shitting (as I have) predisposes a person to rethink the human condition. This is especially true when the contents of his/her body are flying out of every orifice imaginable at the speed of sound. Gastronomical meltdowns are the mighty crucible that make even the most callous of mankind to look, well, inward. Bearing the previous in mind, I would like to offer some constructive criticism to whoever is responsible for designing the human body.
TO: Mr. G
FROM: Miss Heather
RE: Proposed Improvements to the Design of the Human Body
- The epiglottis is a laudable concept: it routes food to the stomach and air to the lungs. Why did you see fit not to outfit the hindquarters of humanity with a similar device, e.g.; a router that prevents flatus from intermixing with feces? Had you seen fit to do so, the ubiquitous ‘wet fart’— and the abject humiliation and ceaseless laundering that goes with it— would cease to exist. If you do not address this problem I am certain there will be a Nobel Prize and/or world domination for the person who does.
- My epiglottis serves it function during the intake of air and food, but the same cannot be said about acts of expulsion. As a result of this defect, I spent five minutes blowing my nose to get all the FOOD out of it. Ever seen collard greens and lentils come out of your nose? I didn’t think so. Trust me, it’s a sight you will never forget.
- Both ends at once: while the diaphragm is essential to one’s expulsion of vomitus and bowel movements, it has been my observation that when one is ill (as I have been lately) it tends to facilitate doing both of the previous at the same time. Until bathrooms are retro-fitted to address this problem, I would humbly recommend that the rectum and mouth be placed in close enough proximity so as to enable simultaneous discharge into the same receptacle. Human adaptation to this anatomical change will, in all probability, be seamless. If it’s damned near to impossible for me to tell the difference between the utterances people make from the top hole and the bottom one, I do not think anyone else will be the wiser. This will be our little secret.
Your immediate attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.
P.S.: If your design is (presumably) intelligent, could you please explain this person* to me? No one, I repeat, NO ONE calls this ‘hood “Green Point”.
If all the previous isn’t enough to make you feel a wee bit queasy, dear readers, today’s “Dung of the Day” will.
Anyone looking for some dog shit and an old douchebag? If so, go to Dupont Street west of Franklin (across from the playground) and knock yourself out.
*I am a person of action. I would much rather be the broad who is talked about (for chasing dog shit sans compensation in Greenpoint), than to be paid to sit on my ass, sip coffee and pontificate about someone else’s accomplishments— which came to pass over ten years ago. That said, I am completely amenable flogging any miscreant who calls my ‘nabe “Green Point” for a modest fee.