Culture on the Cheap
Strong Enough For a Man, But Made For a Greenpointer
I discovered this super-sized bottle of suds recently at the local bodega. Amazed by its sheer size (and very reasonable price of $3.50) I had to give “Baltica Extra Lager 9” a whirl.
Brand Name: Baltica
Country of Origin: Russia
Ounces: 51 (one quart + one pint + 3 ounces)
Price: $3.50 ( ~$0.07 per ounce)
% Alcohol: 8
Bottle: Made of plastic
New York Shitty Analysis: The good thing about this beer coming in a plastic bottle is you won’t beat yourself senseless with it after you realize you spent an entire $3.50 to consume this substance. As I imbibed Baltica I often found myself wondering if carbonated urine was the fluid inhabiting this bottle. Not wishing to submit my person to the field research necessary to find out, I present to you the following visual aid instead.
You can draw your own conclusions, follows are mine.
Anyone in search of an economy set of bowling pins should invest in ten bottle of Baltica. Simply pour out the “beer”, fill them with sand and *presto* you are ready to bowl! Those of you who simply must learn how nasty this stuff is for yourselves (or just want to play a few sets) you can buy Baltica Ale at:
1018 Manhattan Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222
Don’t say I didn’t warn you!