Crosstown Local Cavalade Volume IV: Safety Tips
Subway safety posters are both a source of amusement and ire to yours truly. On the one hand I find their practice of explaining what should be self-evident to anyone with a shred of self-preservation and intelligence darkly amusing. On the other, I think posters advising sick people to refrain from riding the subway is a ludicrous waste of our tax dollars. Maybe the peeps at the MTA could provide a “call in sick service” on our behalf as well?
Dear Sir or Madam:
(Insert name here) will not be in today, (insert date). He/she (circle one) is too ill to ride the subway. Please note this in your payroll records and dock his/her pay accordingly. We thank you in advance for your understanding and thanks for riding the MTA!
The fact of the matter is some people do not have the option of calling in sick. What’s more, we have the right to ride the subway regardless of the state of health we find ourselves in on any given day. If I want to guzzle Orange Juliuses, hop on the train, get motion sickness and spew copious amounts of neon orange goo at my fellow passengers* during rush hour that’s my god given right. This is America goddammit and if projectile vomiting is how I see fit to exact my $2.00 worth of fare that’s my prerogative. And none of their fucking business.
My proposal to the MTA is as follows: why not outsource the copy writing of your public service posters to the ridership of the G train? Not only do we have the time to spare, but we also have a number of interesting ideas.
These range from the motivational and uplifting at Nassau Avenue…
to slightly nihilistic…
and illucid at Greenpoint Avenue.
Granted, the advice we dispense might be questionable in nature, but it is a lot more attention grabbing. How’s about it, Metropolitan Transit Authority? Will you let us help you to help us become more savvy subway patrons and better citizens?
*I saw this once while riding the N train during rush hour. It was a sight I’ll never forget.