Crosstown Local Cavalcade Volume VII: Vice
In the last installment of Crosstown Local glory we learned what market demographic is interested in a reality television series about millionaire matchmakers: women brandishing rollers while waiting for the L train. Wishing to see if the same was true of roller-clad G train patrons, I carefully watched the “Millionaire Matchmaker” posters here in Greenpoint. Not only did I discover that my fellow G trainers eschew styling their hair while patronizing public transit, but also that these posters elicited very little interest.
The aforementioned findings presented me with yet another question:
Exactly what does the Crosstown Local ridership find compelling?
After expending considerable time and effort conducting research “in the field” I can give you, dear readers, a conclusive answer: sexual perversion.
Exhibit A: the Queens-bound platform at Greenpoint Avenue
I am certain most people are familiar with the middle poster: it raises awareness about shaken baby syndrome. Or does it?
The author of this annotated poster has a very interesting tale to tell. Here it is:
In a land far away, there lived a handsome little prince. On his birthday,
his fatheran alien gave him a magical skin flute. He told the prince that every time he played this flute he could magic…
Tales of alien seduction are not really my cup of tea. But that’s okay the good ol’ G has a little something for everybody.
Exhibit B: the Smith-9th bound platform at Metropolitan Avenue
(Once again) extra-terrestrials are invoked…
as is the threat of the whip. You know, if the movie E.T. took a few tips from this person it would have been a much more interesting movie. To me, anyway.
Speaking of E.T., have you ever wondered what happened to Elliot? No worries, someone on the Smith – 9th bound platform back at Greenpoint Avenue knows.
I suppose in today’s brave new world if the aliens don’t get you, eventually the pirates will.
Last, but hardly least, there’s always the Crosstown Local classic…
Ye olde open mouth paired with penis.
In closing, I would like to share another fascinating Greenpoint mass transit fact: our lascivious imaginings are not confined strictly to the subway. Bus stops (like this one for the B24 across from the sewage treatment plant) are also fair game.
Behold, the penis chicken!*
*When I was in graduate school ten years ago I did a series of sculptures I called “dickheads”. At one point I converted my studio space into a barnyard. Populating this barnyard were approximately sixteen chickens and geese— but instead of beaks they sported dicks. Who knew sexualized fowl were part of Greenpoint’s collective conscious?