Starbuck’s N***a!

April 18, 2007 by
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Starbuck’s C

Now that my mother is safely on her way to the Land of Enchantment (replete with meth and trailer), I find myself woefully behind on my correspondence. Those of you who have emailed me and have yet to receive a response, it is nothing personal. I am simply all talked out right now. As I write this tome I am sipping an ice cold beer and enjoying something I have not experienced in about a week: being alone.

Anyhoo, I received the following email from my Poo Bag Dispensing Buddy:

Subject: I am sure you are aware of this…

but i had to send this to you.

im not sure when it opened since i haven’t been very detailed oriented this past week or so. i’ve been a walking zombie actually, but that is neither here nor there. (Boy, do I ever understand that! — Ed. Note) anyway, today on my way home from the garden with a cup of some delicious soup for lunch, i passed three girls walking the opposite direction. each about 12 years old or so sipping on strawberry mocha frappa-half-caff-with-whip-chinos. the girl in the middle announced, “I am like sooooo happy that we finally have a starbucks near us!”. the other girls like, totally agreed.

then this evening i had to get off the bus one stop early so could take a picture of it. I hadn’t yet seen it all lit up like this. wow.

is it odd that the brand new sign is already half burnt out?

To answer your question, my comrade in the war against caca, I am not the least bit surprised this sign is malfunctioning. I am certain you have heard of places that are reputed ‘hot spots’ for one kind of activity or another. For example, planes and people tend to disappear in the Bermuda Triangle and UFOs are fond of making visitations to Roswell and most of south Florida. I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone— human or otherwise— would want to go to the latter, but I digress.

As it happens, our neighborhood is also one such magical place. I call the unnatural phenomenon that exists here “The Greenpoint Effect”. “What is The Greenpoint Effect”, you ask? It is not very easy to describe so I will cite some examples of it ‘at work’.

  1. Any subway poster bearing an image of a person with his (or her) mouth open will eventually (via Sharpie Marker) have a penis inserted into it.
  2. Any person who moves here (by choice) is an eccentric. Anyone who lives here for an extended period of time will only become more so. This ‘nabe is not unlike a terrarium; it is a hermetic environment that enables the careful cultivation of crazy the likes of which makes our ‘nabes to the north (Long Island City) or the south (Williamsburg) wince. Or call the cops.
  3. Any attempt to buck the trend of endemic Greenpoint slack (READ: putting up a fancypants sign or building high-end housing) will eventually be despoiled by mishaps, graffiti or a pile of shit (human or otherwise).

I hope the previous explanation has been helpful.

That said, I overheard a particularly choice ‘review’ of our new Starbucks from a crew of pre-pubescent hoodie macs on the B61 bus yesterday afternoon.

Hoodie Mac #1: What the fuck is that shit!?!

Hoodie Mac #2: Starbucks NIGG-UH!

Out of the mouths of babes comes much wisdom. I am seriously considering making myself a tee shirt with “Starbuck’s NIGGA” emblazoned on it. Rendered in rhinestones, naturally. The way the world is going I’ll probably end up serving sugar-laden drinks to teeny boppers there for a whopping $8.00-$10.00 an hour.

Miss Heather

Photo Credit: Erin, the Poo Bag Bandita

Comments

9 Comments on Starbuck’s N***a!

  1. knotslaning on Thu, 19th Apr 2007 6:53 am
  2. Ms. Heather,

    I know you love the hood so I thought you might be interested in attending a benefit for the hood. Check this link for more information.

    Peaceful Adventures
    .

    Thanks Candace (aka knotslaning, fellow greenpointier)

  3. jukeboxgraduate on Thu, 19th Apr 2007 11:36 am
  4. Let’s not forget the timeless
    KILL THIS FUCKEN TYRANT BUSH NOW

    (with the ‘e’ in ‘fucken’).

    now, *that’s* hardcore greenpoint.

  5. missheather on Thu, 19th Apr 2007 11:42 am
  6. Very good point “Jukeboxgraduate”. The only places I have seen this master’s work is on the Nassau Ave. and Greenpoint Ave. stops of the G. This is, as you it, “hardcore Greenpoint”.

    As I have been researching Greenpoint (for my Forgotten-NY piece) the one thing that struck me is that our ‘nabe has a long history of (get this) being progressive. This not only included organized labor, but women’s rights and day care for working mothers. No shit. Given what I just told you, the likes of GWB II would not be very popular here. Then or now. Not that he is popular any place where working/thinking people live, mind you.

  7. dupreciate on Thu, 19th Apr 2007 1:37 pm
  8. For those who may be burdened with caffeine addictions, I have prepared an emergency guide for those who accidently end up at this Starbucks (Nigga!!!). Print it out and keep it with you, just in case.

    http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&hl=en&saddr=manhattan+ave+at+greenpoint+ave+brooklyn+ny&daddr=193+Meserole+Ave.+brooklyn+ny&layer=&sll=40.72937,-73.951395&sspn=0.005756,0.010042&ie=UTF8&z=17&ll=40.729332,-73.951367&spn=0.005756,0.010042&om=1

    Kill bush graffiti: I do enjoy how the “now!!!” is always smaller, and underlined. Like it’s an afterthought every time he/she writes it out.

  9. missheather on Thu, 19th Apr 2007 1:42 pm
  10. “Dupreciate”: I have found the Greenpoint Coffeehouse and Champion Coffee to be providers of excellent coffee myself.

    P.S.: I have always thought GWB II to be an ‘afterthought’. Too bad partial birth abortion has effectively been banned now (courtesy of our Supreme Court). I say this because I think his head was (and always has) been lodged up his own (or DICK Cheney’s) ass. GWB II has got to be the WORST president to blight our White House. And being the history buff I am, this is saying something. He’s gonna beat out Millard Fillmore and Harding by a landslide.

  11. jukeboxgraduate on Thu, 19th Apr 2007 6:35 pm
  12. enjoy my greenpoint coffee snob tour:
    ttp://www.yelp.com/list_details?userid=uBnL-XzRpPVcFdH2PVYHAw&list_id=k2U_v87ww5LXgDEtmIjCKA

    but, having said that, i gotta tell you, when i got off the G last friday after freezing my butt off at shea stadium for 3+ hours, i was delighted that the starbucks was open, because the god bless deli and grocery doesn’t have soy milk.

    from a practical standpoint, i’m happy to see something else open on that corner, because it might well encourage other businesses nearby to do the same, or new businesses (i mean, what’s going to go into the long-distance phone booth shop on the other side of the street that’s now for sale?) we do need some other options on the manhattan ave strip that don’t close at 8.

  13. missheather on Thu, 19th Apr 2007 6:42 pm
  14. I for one am waiting until some drunk bum (from across Manhattan Avenue) goes in there and takes a dump. This has already happened at the Citibank ‘automated banking center’ down the street (with trou dropped, mind you). Consider this act a christening.

  15. jdog on Wed, 25th Apr 2007 8:17 am
  16. Just to throw in my 2 cents… check out cafe grumpy on Diamond and Mesrole. I think someone gave them a shout out (by way of a google map) at the topf of this comments section. But I will second that, adding that their coffee is delicious and FAIR TRADE.
    Brooklyn Label is pretty decent too.

  17. mikeypod on Sun, 29th Apr 2007 7:28 am
  18. for firsthand comments on the hell that is working at starbucks, please listen to the latest episode of my podcast: The Fuck Show! http://www.mikeypod.com

    I think you may enjoy it. For one more week I will be working there.

    It sucks.

    Hard.

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