Miss Heather’s Condominium Select-O-Matic
Whenever I feel my neighborhood is going to over-development hell in a hand basket, I make a trek across the Pulaski Bridge to Long Island City. I invariably come back to the Garden Spot feeling much, much better. With one notable (and nagging exception): I cannot stop worrying about how John and Jane Q. Consumer will be able to select the perfect condominium to suit their new Long Island City lifestyle. There are simply too many of them to choose from!!!
As the proprietress of New York Shitty, I aspire to inform as well as entertain. Therefore, I have created Miss Heather’s Condominium Select-O-Matic to help these needy people make the right decision. Don’t know which Long Island City domicile is right for you? Complete the following questionnaire and find out!
#1: I am hard of hearing.
A. The above statement describes me.
B. The above statement does not describe me.
C. I cannot read the above statement.
#2: Does the following disturb you?
C. I am the author of the above missive.
#3: My idea of pleasing scenery is…
A. Queensboro Plaza.
B. A nice pair of breasts.
C. The Queens Midtown Tunnel.
#4: When I go to a gentlemen’s club I prefer:
A. a little Dim sum with my poontang.
B. to wear an artfully placed donut on my member.
C. Titty bars are for jerks. I want HOOKERS!
#5: Showerheads are not just for getting clean.
A. I disagree with this statement.
B. I agree with this statement.
C. I do not understand this statement.
#6: What do you think of the following?
A. This is the stupidest thing I have ever seen.
B. I do not understand it.
Quiz time is over folks! Time to tabulate those scores and find your new dream home!
Good luck at your new digs, aspiring condo dwellers. To those of you who scored mostly A’s: I’ll be sure to carry a can of mace and box of A-200 Pyrinate with me when I drop off your housewarming casserole.