From The New York Shitty Inbox, Part II: A Dispatch From The Unemployment Office
This item comes from a friend of mine who (fairly) recently joined the ranks of the unemployed. For reasons you will soon understand he/she prefers to remain anonymous. It is quite something.
I received a notification in the mail that in order to continue to receive benefits I need to come to the unemployment office for a followup on my job search efforts. I got there late and was freaked out something bad was going to happen because I was late. Turns out they just chunk you into another group. In fact, it turns out that you don’t have to show up at the time on your piece of paper, or even that day. You just show up when you want and they put you somewhere. So I get through security and am sent to another security desk, and then sent to a room. I have to wait 45 minutes, and I forgot my phone, nor do I have a book. I decide I’ll try to meditate. Except this dude next to me is playing a game on his phone and doesn’t think to turn the sound off. I spend all my energy trying not to smack him on the back of the head. Then someone else decides to eat candy in crinkly wrappers. Occasionally someone walks in and says “good morning” and we all get excited: because who the fuck walks into a room full of strangers and says “good morning” unless they are the administrator? Apparently these dumb motherfuckers do. Three people did this walk in and say good morning routine, then show their yellow papers and go sit down like the rest of us cattle. Good morning my ass! It’s raining and I’m here in the unemployment office waiting for 45 minutes with no phone, no coffee, and someone keeps farting. It is so bad I put my scarf back on and wrap it around my face. Finally this nice lady herds us into another room and starts handing out forms to fill out. They are questionnaires that are so easy it’s ridiculous. Are you looking for work? yes. How? Circle all that apply. Are you making progress? Yes. OK then. Administrator lady goes over what’s written down. She tells us how to sign our name on the attendance sheet and pass it to the neighbor. Still people can’t get that right! I shit you not! Some people signed the wrong attendance sheet. Others signed their name on the same sheet twice! I am not making this up. Others didn’t pass it to their neighbors but passed it back the way it came. Several people took the attendance sheet and tried to walk it to the administrator, and then we all had to yell for them to fucking pass it to us so we could sign it. Seriously, what is wrong with people!? I got picked to do the job interview role play and passed. And then here is the highlight of the event. The administrator was going over what to say in an interview when a prospective employer asks “What is your greatest weakness.” And she said one example would be to say that “I have been called a workaholic by my spouse.” And this man pipes up: “That’s not a weakness!” And she says “well some people might think it’s a weakness because your relationship might be affected, but prospective employers may think of it differently.” And this guy goes, “but it’s still not a weakness. It is good to be a workaholic.” And the Administrator says “well it’s just an example of something you might say to turn a weakness into a strength in a job interview.” And the guy continues “It’s still not a weakness.” At this point I am stifling my laughter. And someone is still farting. I am not making any of this up. Finally she starts calling people off the roll call to hand in our sheets and she asks us if we have any questions and looks at our sheets. Many people have still not managed to fill out the sheets properly, and they are native English speakers! She has to stop and correct everyone as they are called. She takes my stuff and doesn’t even ask if I have questions she just sends me on my way. The End.