Open Letter To A Neighbor

October 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

I will not lie to you: I was than pleased when I found this (whatever it is and I assure it is the subject of much debate among your neighbors) gracing the stairwell of our building. However, I understand that sometimes this area serves as a “transfer point” for articles destined for the garbage or (perhaps in this case) an art gallery. I do not really mind this. What’s more, the note you left on this item certainly seemed to indicate that this (arguably dangerous) situation was temporary.

will move in the morning…

Therein lies the fly in my proverbial ointment: the above photograph was taken October 3, 2008. Seven mornings have elapsed since I documented your ad hoc installation and yet it is still here. Perhaps the devil is in the details, e.g.; you’re talking about the next Mercurial morning (which comes every 58.6467 earth days). Somehow I doubt this. Methinks forgetfulness or sheer laziness is the real culprit. I realize the previous statement is a bit snide, but quite frankly I am getting very tired of looking at this every day. What’s more, I am not alone.

Having had the pleasure of sharing a roof with some real whackadoos in my time I consider myself very lucky to live in a building with great neighbors (and yes, this includes you). If you need help removing this item please ask your neighbors for help. We’ll be more than happy to obligue. Otherwise I imagine someone will either contact our landlord or the fire marchal’s office (who will, in turn, fine our landlord) and (after shitting some serious bricks) he will send each of us a terse memo admonishing us not place such objects in the public areas of this building. He’ll probably make everyone remove their bicycles from the hallway as well, thus subjecting them to the caprice of the numerous bike thieves who call Greenpoint their home. I have seen this happen before. Trust me, it isn’t pretty.

Lest I have not made my point clear: PLEASE REMOVE THIS FROM OUR APARTMENT BUILDING IMMEDIATELY. If not out of consideration for your neighbors, the fact that with each passing day it is becoming increasingly likely it will be removed for you should be sufficient motivation to do the right thing. We’re a pretty affable lot in this building, let’s keep it that way.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Your Neighbor

Halloween Photos du Jour: Siding & Skulls

October 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Amusingly enough this display (on Diamond Street) is just a hop, skip and a jump from this*. Which is scarier? You make the call.

Miss Heather

*Which people have started moving into, by the way. Who the fuck would want to come home to this everyday?

New York City Pay Phone du Jour: Church Street Zen

October 9, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Somehow I cannot shake the feeling that a missing dial tone is the least of this pay phone’s problems.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Photos du Jour: The Professor

October 9, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Anyone who has knocked around my corner of Greenpoint knows the Professor. If not, you should. He’s a rather interesting chap who takes some great photographs of the Garden Spot “when no one is around”. Here are a few.

Greenpoint Avenue.

Greenpoint and Manhattan Avenue, September 11, 2008.

The New Warsaw Bakery late at night.

I call this one “Conspicuous Consumption”.

Great pix, Prof!*

Miss Heather

*Listen to his answering machine MP3s they’re creepily (and guilt-inducingly) addictive!

Up In Smoke

October 9, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

BAD NEWS

You watched the last Presidential Debate: if left you cold. Your 401K is shot to shit because the economy is going to hell. The thought of Sarah Palin being the president of the United States terrifies the holy shit out of you (as it should— McCain ain’t getting any younger, gosh darn it).  Why not suffer in style by smoking a hookah?*

GOOD NEWS

The ever cool guys at the Greenpoint Grocery have ‘em!

These “Paradise Hookahs” sell for $45.00 a pop including charcoal and tobacco. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em and GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Greenpoint Grocery
1016 Manhattan Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222

Miss Heather

*What ingredients you see fit to put in said hookah is your own damned business. That said, I’d advise you load up on more exotic material (banana peels, sludge from Newtown Creek, etc.**) and smoke it the next time Sarah Palin opens her pie hole. It’ll probably make her pedagogical, e.g.; racist, sexist, classist cum “simple small town woman” shtick go down better.

**This is satire.

It Has Begun!

October 8, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Total collapse of the world’s economic system, you ask?

No. This is much, much better. As I have often stated Halloween is my favorite holiday. The reasons for this are complex, but here are a few (in order of ascending importance):

  1. I was married on Halloween.
  2. October 31 is the only day I feel “normal”.
  3. The folks down on Humboldt Street will be rolling out the best damned Halloween display in New York City— and perhaps the world!

When I walked by last week there was nothing. No so today. There were definite signs of progress. I struck up a conversation with their next door neighbor (the chap sweeping up leaves in the above photograph). Here’s his take on it:

It gets better every year.

Indeed.

The evil clowns are back!

With a few new friends like this black cat…

a big fat rat Greenpoint Retriever by the front door…

and a very scary (if a bit careworn) ghost…

and a couple of companions!

This image takes me back to my honeymoon.

The second floor is looking good.

There was one thing that bothered me. Fortunately I was lucky enough to meet the woman who lives at this two story house of pain and ask her about it.

Miss Heather: You’re going to bring back the guy puking up blood, aren’t you?
Woman/Wife (pointing to a chap wearing a G-Unit shirt): You’ll have to talk to him about that. (To chap in G-Unit shirt) Hey, this woman has a question for you.
Man/Husband: Yes?
Miss Heather: You’re not finished are you? I really want to see the guy barfing up blood. He’s my favorite.
Man/Husband (smiling): No, we’re not done yet.
Miss Heather: Thanks! I’ll be back. I’m going to film it this year. I was married on Halloween, you know— and now that I think about it my marriage is a lot like Halloween. EVERY DAY.

(laughter)

So there have you. No confirm as to whether the blood barfer will be part of this year’s ensemble but there is plenty more to come.

And I can hardly wait!

Miss Heather

P.S.: Be sure to check out my Flickr set to see more photographs of this awesome display of Halloween spirit! This one pretty much says it all!

Boobification Photos du Jour: Goin’ Downtown

October 8, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Today I had the pleasure of meeting a friend (and overall very cool person) for lunch. The downshot was it was over by City Hall in Manhattan. I suspect I speak for many when I say this is not exactly my favorite part of town. I decided to sweeten the pot a little by bringing a couple of friends along. Here are the results.

When I got above ground at City Hall there was a flurry of activity. If all the camera men I saw were any indication I’d say they were prepping for a press conference. Probably regarding Bloomberg’s circuitous method of lifting Mayoral of term limits so he can run for a third term. This got me to thinking:

I wonder if there is any place on the premises where I could do my devilish work without becoming a “security risk”?

Sure enough I found one such spot right under my nose. Literally.

This is the great seal of the City of New York.

This is the great seal of the City Titties of New York boobified. SIGILLUM CIVITATIS NOVI BOOBUM!

CHURCH STREET

Perhaps it’s because I was born in Texas but I’ve always had a thing for cowboys.

Especially the ones who chomp on a cigar while sporting a nice big rack. Those bad boys give me a lot to smile about, how about you?

WALL STREET

Since I happened to be in the area I decided to check out Wall Street. It was packed wall to wall (no pun intended) with reporters preparing to relay the latest salvo of (most likely bad) news regarding our nation’s economy.

I suppose we have gone from a bull market to a bear market.

I mused to myself. It was at this moment that I had my eureka moment: I CAN CHANGE THINGS. To this end I purchased a roll of scotch tape and headed south without delay.

Behold, the Boob Market.

What effects Greenpoint effects Wall Street. Screw black Monday, let’s have a Pink and perky Wednesday!*

Miss Heather

*I would be remiss if I didn’t say the most rewarding part of sticking a pair of tits on the Wall Street bull was not the final product (as nice as it is). Rather, it was the look on the tourists’ faces after I did it. It went down something like this.

Miss Heather: Excuse me, do you mind if I go next? It’s for an art project.
Tourists:
?

ASIDE: It was at this moment I realized:

A. These people are staring at me because I am holding a pair of rubber tits or
B.
these people do not speak English.

Believe it or not, I think it was point “B.” Seriously.

Anyhoo, when I got done they just stood there in silence —save one tiny woman wearing a sari (who I would presume was from India). She found it quite amusing. Feeling like I should say something, I did:

Welcome to New York. Enjoy your stay.

Halloween Photo du Jour: Leonard Street Pumpkins

October 8, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Halloween is by far my favorite holiday of the year. What’s more, my fellow Greenpointers step up to the occasion with a great deal of relish. For the previous two reasons I will be featuring some of my favorite Halloween decorations from the Garden Spot (and beyond) to get into the spirit of the season. These little fellas hail just a short distance from this headless chap. I wonder if one of these heads belongs to him?

Miss Heather

P.S.: I cannot resist posting this great offering from last year.

Will the fine folks from this house on Humboldt top this diabolically clever creation? I don’t know—but I am very eager to find out!

THIS WEEKEND: Animated Shorts

October 8, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Williamsburg 

This weekend 3rd Ward is serving up some animated short films that simply sound too good to pass up. Here’s the scoop per their press release:

This Sunday, October 12th, Moviehouse at 3rd Ward presents four brand new animators with fresh films featuring revenge, epic battle, sex, violence and…vegetables.  This FREE screening series, which debuted in September, brings the very best in local filmmaking to 3rd Ward Every 2nd Sunday.  Join us for drinks, tasty treats, lively discussion with the filmmakers and the cool beats and visuals of VJ Clay Franklin who lays his favorite songs over spliced together found footage and old movie clips.

Awphul Alfie by Maz Salazar
Little Alfie destroys everything in his path as he seeks revenge on the young lady who made him drop his candy bar.

Obsesion
by Joshua Weisbrod
News reporter Basher Rockaround suffers the consequences when his biggest fan enters an epic battle with a tiny bald man.

Adventures in Broccoli
by Dan Mountain
Sex, violence and vegetables. Is it a dream or just what happens when you wake up?

Cat Food
by Christopher Ko
A young girl and her cat battle as the world falls apart around them.

Doors open at 7:00 and the screening begins at 8:00 p.m. For more information about this event check out 3rd Ward’s web site.

Moviehouse: Animation Versus
Third Ward
195 Morgan Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11237

Interested attendees can RSVP for this event via email at moviehouse (at) thirdward (dot) com.

Miss Heather

From The New York Shitty Photo Pool: Cello On Commercial

October 8, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

A walk around Greenpoint on any given day will offer up all manner and variety of delectable randomness. In the case of last Saturday this happened to be a little cello playing at the corner of Commercial and Clay Street. This photograph comes courtesy of Rowan5. Nice shot!

Miss Heather