Franklin Street Bar Shows Sign Of Life

September 26, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic 

This “production” has been languishing for months. But on Tuesday they erected this:

Why not drop by and give Joe your head shot?  The Production Lounge wants to meet you!

Production Lounge
113 Franklin Street
Brooklyn, New York 11222
Opening date/hours: T.B.A.

Miss Heather

Crosstown Local Photo du Jour

September 26, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

The above photograph was taken on the Queens-bound G train. To truly understand its significance one must take into account the context:

  1. A dude with Tourettes Syndrome twitching and muttering to himself.
  2. A clique of young women (read: under 21) taking swigs of Pepsi and whiskey (not-so-cunningly disguised in a Pepsi bottle), wincing and
  3. doing stripper poses on the poles— all of which were duly photographed by peers. With pride.
  4. The woman asleep below said sticker. Once she saw me taking pictures she gave me the evil eye and sat elsewhere.

#4: I was the least of your problems. I love life. Especially on the G.

Miss Heather

Urban Artifact: Manhattan Avenue

September 26, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic, Urban Artifact 

Mister Heather and I (being the effete and over-educated snobs we are) cannot grasp the rampant anti-intellectualism in this country. On the one hand, you have the first black president of the Harvard Law Review. Who taught constitutional law at the University of Chicago Law School. Despite hardships— and Obama had aplenty. He is an outsider. On the other, you have Rumsfeld in lipstick:

In 1982, Palin enrolled at Hawaii Pacific College but left after her first semester. From there she transferred to North Idaho College, where she spent two semesters as a general studies major. From that community college she then transferred to the much larger University of Idaho for two semesters. During this time Palin won the Miss Wasilla Pageant beauty contest then finished third (second runner-up) in the Miss Alaska pageant, at which she won a college scholarship and the “Miss Congeniality” award. She then left the University of Idaho and attended Matanuska-Susitna College in Alaska for one term. The next year she returned to the University of Idaho where she spent three semesters completing her Bachelor of Science degree in communications-journalism, graduating in 1987.

In 1988, she worked as a sports reporter for KTUU-TV in Anchorage, Alaska, and for the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman as a sports reporter. She also helped in her husband’s commercial fishing family business. — Wikipedia.

For this lack-luster curricula clita Palin is lauded as being “All-American”. What does this say about us as a country?

I graduated from college in four years. Magna cum laude. I got a scholarship alright: $500 per semester for two semesters. That’s what a being smart (as opposed to beautiful) nets a woman with a 3.7 GPA. In Texas. Had I known being a bimbo would net me better career prospects perhaps I would have spent my “scholarship” money on a nose job (and getting my M.R.S. degree). But I didn’t. So I will continue…

That Communications degree (and pageant experience) is serving Sarah well. Or is the electorate much more idiotic than I imagined? Someone clearly likes her “down-home” talk. I (being the intellectual “community organizer” that I am) took her rhetoric as being backwoods demagoguery* meets June Cleaver (with a nuclear arsenal and “GOD” on her side). But am I simply being arrogant?

I found this discarded piece of homework on Manhattan Avenue. It got me to a thinkin’

How long did it take you to read the book? Why? I didn’t take me long because I saw the movie.

I would haved killed all the bad guys… It wes about 4 kids go into a majical world and fight a for the good side.

The good news: I suspect this kid’s mother helped him with his homework.
The bad news: This kid’s mother helped him with his homework.

With a public education system (and parental apathy) like this who needs Al Qaeda? We’re doing a damned good job of destroying ourselves. By taking pride in our ignorance, entitlement and sloth.

We’re not creating citizens, we’re creating cannon fodder.

But that’s jest me smart talkin’.

Miss Heather

*Demagogy (also demagoguery) (Ancient Greek δημαγωγία, from δῆμος dÄ“mos “people” and ἄγειν agein “to lead”) refers to a political strategy for obtaining and gaining political power by appealing to the popular prejudices, emotions, fears and expectations of the public — typically via impassioned rhetoric and propaganda, and often using nationalist or populist themes. — Wikipedia

Terrorist states are seeking nuclear weapons without delay … he (Barack Obama) wants to meet them without preconditions.

We are so proud of the many Alaskans who are serving in the military to keep us safe and our country free their service has been an incredible personal sacrifice. Our National Guard men and women who return to rural Alaska are seen as role models for our youth.

— Sarah Palin

Boobification Photo du Jour: Freeboob!*

September 26, 2008 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

If I leave Williamsburg tomorrow,
Would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on, now,
‘Cause there’s too many places I’ve got to see.
But if I stayed here with you,
My girls just wouldn’t be the same.
‘Cause I’m as free as a bird now,
And these boobs you cannot change.

Miss Heather (bastardizing Lynyrd Skynyrd)

*From Wythe Avenue

TOMORROW: Kent Street Festival

September 26, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

I am certain most of you, my fellow Greenpointers, are well aware of this event. Rather I’d like to make you aware of a particular vendor. Ann Kansfield writes:

Greenpoint has come together to help feed hungry folks on Wednesday nights. Currently, we serve yummy hot meals to upwards of 80 people. As the weather gets colder, we’re anticipating this number might increase.

To help raise funds for the soup kitchen, there’s going to be a fabulous bake sale at this Saturday’s Kent Street Festival (Sept. 27). But we need your help. It would look really ridiculous to have a bake sale with nothing to sell. Please! All you bakers out there – if you could make some items for the sale, it would be tremendously helpful. You can drop them off at the church (136 Milton St) Friday night from 6-9pm or at the bake sale table on Kent Street on Saturday, September 27th from 9am to 12pm.

For those of you who want to buy some of these yummy treats, please visit our table at the Kent St. Festival – it’s happening on Kent St. between Manhattan and Franklin. And if you’re reading this and could help us by passing this message on to your friends and neighbors, we would really appreciate it.  We need all the help we can get – both at the bake sale and going forward this winter.  The more people who are aware of the soup kitchen the better.

I agree. The economy isn’t getting any better, folks. Until our government decides to succor the truly needy instead of multimillion dollar corporations, let us buy cake!

And pies.

And cupcakes.

Kent Street Festival
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Kent Street (Between Manhattan Avenue & Franklin Street)
Brooklyn, New York 11222

Miss Heather

TODAY: Kickass Art By Kickass People

September 26, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

I rarely, if ever, pimp my friends’ events online but in this case I am going to make an exception. Mark Parrish is by far one of the most amazing painters I have ever met. What’s more, he is a good friend. Tomorrow you can see his work (and meet him in person) at…

For the record, the artwork gracing the beginning of this post is not Mark’s. Not by a long-shot ;)

Go to the show and see for yourself!

Headquarters Studio NYC
385 Broadway, 2F

New York, New York 11013

Miss Heather

P.S.: Nayland Blake was a teacher of mine back in graduate school. Inasmuch as one can teach another person (ME) to think, he did. His advice is largely to thank (or blame) for me writing this blog.

Give The Finger To Finger Buildings, Greenpointers!

September 25, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

See the above map? Do you live in the demarcated area? Do you despise the crass over-development of your neighborhood at the expense of its charm (and yes, this includes vinyl siding)? If so mark your calendars comrades! Community Board One is holding two “informational sessions” about contextual rezoning next month: October 28 & 29 respectively.

Be there and have your say…

or prepare for yet more “fingers”.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Note that Karl Fischer’s Frankenfinger* (whose workers spritzed me with cement earlier this week while working ILLEGALLY) falls within the rezone area.

Do you want this thing (and its 17 “high end residential units”**) to blight our neighborhood? I am certain it will look perfectly “in context” with its neighbor: The Astral Apartments. Because we all know Karl cares a lot about context.

*A bigass hideous building given the green-light by the auspices of a modification permit, thus violating the spirit but not the letter of the law. Not much of the original structure is still extant, by the way. I imagine Karl will leave a brick or two for old times sake!

**Looks like more than 17 units to me but what do I know?

Damn.

September 25, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

You write something about your cat’s abscessed anal glands and people take notice. Tim Murphy (of New York Mag’s Daily Intel) writes:

Anybody who regularly reads the blog Newyorkshitty by a certain Miss Heather of Greenpoint knows that she’s disgusting and hilarious, going around the hood photographing dog poop and other vulgarities, then commenting on it in a way that fuses Dorothy Parker and South Park

Dorothy Parker?!? Thanks for the compliment, Mr. Murphy. I’m not being sarcastic. Although I always fancied myself more of a Chuck Bukowski girl. After all I live in Greenpoint and am one of only two women I know who likes The Three Stooges*. Seriously. I am an anomaly.

One who takes great relish in her vulgarity. Profanity is my craft. I apprenticed under my father; as a Journey(wo)man I polished my skills in New York Shitty. Greenpoint is my Valhalla, but alas a Journeywoman I still am. The following angry missive (courtesy of Pixxietails) made this fact clear all too clear to yours truly.

Rimming Meat Loaf?!? Ann and Nancy, that’s GROSS!

I have had this picture seared in my mind ALL DAY. It wasn’t pretty; in fact, I lost my appetite.

Needless to say I am your eager apprentice, Barracudas.

Hugs,

Miss Heather

*ESPECIALLY the Rajah of Canarsie, the Flathead from Flatbush and on the islands of Coney and Long fair chickadees who prowl the meadows day and night can be found!

P.S.: Didn’t John bother to read the lyrics of this song? Probably not.

If the real thing dont do the trick
No, you better make up something quick
You gonna burn burn burn burn it to the wick
Ooooooohhhh, barra barracuda.

Amusing

September 25, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

My neighbor and fellow cat lady Eva101 forwarded this site to me. It is absolutely hilarious. I plan to make a submission for financial relief*— and you should too. Check it out!

Miss Heather

*For this or this. I have not made up my mind. Hell, maybe I’ll muster the chutzpah to sell off both!

On The Subject Of Spam

September 25, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Asshole 

I have been receiving a lot of it of late. A. LOT. While always irritating, now the brains behind sending me, a female, adverts for Cialis, Viagra and porn sites featuring blushing young woman doing very dirty things have added yet another diabolical flourish to their sordid solicitations: asking me to confirm receipt of their crap.

Now let me tell you, I harbor the nothing but the darkest possible hatred for people who engage in this practice. Experience has proven to me time and time again only corporate drones who can’t find their ass with both hands —and as such assume I cannot either— ask me to confirm receipt of their emails in this manner. Anyone who would program a robot shilling porn and pills (I clearly do not need) invokes a hellish wrath in my person mere words cannot adequately describe. Seriously. We’re talking rage, kids.

On that note I am going to give them what they want: confirmation of that I received their missives. Miss Heather style: haikus using their own fucking ad copy.

Louise (I Love You Long Time)

El saludo im
Louise im 24 years old.
My ass wait you here!

Lulu

Ola im Lulu,
To My Group Sex Video.
Look rather at! Thanks!

Never Give Up (Ode to Cialis)

When you are young and
stressed up. When you
are aged never give up…

That felt really, really good. Methinks I will have to write more of these moving forward. Keep the spam coming assholes (and I have no doubt you will). Now if you don’t mind I’m off to write a Bad Date Haiku.*

Miss Heather

*Anyone interested in making a contribution (until we establish a “system”) can do so by emailing me:

missheather (at) newyorkshitty (dot) com

Be sure to include a link to an accompanying photograph. How will you know I received your email? When I post it, that’s how!