Filed under: Williamsburg
After the kind of weekend I had I really needed to blow off some steam. Not only did the Mister work INSANE hours from home (we’re talking day and night) but I had the dubious honor of learning something new Saturday night:
- Cats have anal glands.
- Sometimes these anal glands get abscesses.
I will you spare you the visuals, just suffice it to say it is as disgusting as it sounds. I get to schlep our cat to the vet tomorrow to get it “looked at”. Lucky me. But I digress.
After listening to nothing but I.T. conference calls and compressing my cat’s festering asshole all weekend I really needed to get out for some fresh air. So I took a walk this lovely Monday afternoon*.
When I reached the intersection of Bedford Avenue and North 9th Street this sign caught my eye. Intrigued, I went in for a closer look.
Ah Sarah Palin… you and your brood never fail to provide grist for our north Brooklynite mill! WHoever is responsible for this sign (and the annotation) THANK YOU. This gave me a (VERY) much-needed laugh.
P.S.: Those of you who are wondering what “Z.P.G.” is should please click here.
*I also indulged in a little art project. Stay tuned.
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
From Clay Street.
pimpification (pimpâ€™-if-fic-ka-shen) n. Customizing a standard turn of the century four story walk-up using large quantities of stucco, glass and chrome. The end product should be jarringly out of context and garish, if not downright bizarre. â€”pimpâ€™-i-fyâ€™ v. (ified, fying, -fies) Not to be confused with crapification. See: Green Street.
First came the stucco and chrome. I called it Fedderized.
Then they painted the curb yellow and wrote “No Parking 24/7″. My neighbor parked there anyway. She got a ticket. She called the city; they got a citation and were ordered to correct it. Now the sidewalk reads “Parking 24/7″.
Then came the awning and garbage can holder.
I called these hilarious.
Finally the fancy doorbell next to an institutional grey sheet metal door caught my eye. Then it hit me: this was no mere act of crapification. This was something more.
This building has been PIMPIFIED!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
The first thing that struck me about Greenpoint is the affection the people (women primarily) have for wearing leopard print. My fair burgh is known for a number of things (drunks, Polish people and pollution to name a few); I would like to humbly suggest that this eccentric fashion sensibility be added to the list. If I had the money I would open a leopard print emporium. I would not lack customers, take this woman for example.
The above photograph was taken by yours truly back in 2006. Granted, things have changed quite a bit here in the last two years. The Garden Spot has become COOL— and as a result it has undergone an unprecedented spate of luxurification. I see a lot of new faces nowadays. Here’s one such newbie I spied last weekend.
I guess the more things change in Greenpoint the more they stay the same. This dude’s ‘do was quite remarkable. This photograph hardly does it justice.
P.S.: I’d like to give a big shout out to this Hasidic gentlemen I saw on Eagle Street yesterday. I will not profess to understand his religious practices (as a feminist I find them troubling), but any guy man enough to carry a Hello Kitty bag in public is A-OK by my book. I always knew Hello Kitty would be the one to unite us all!
Those pink things are hearts.
Rock on, Greenpoint!
Pa Heather writes:
OK Brooklyn, Top This One
DALLAS â€” A robber rolled into a Dallas convenience store came armed with a bat and a knife. He left with a lot of condoms and an energy drink.
Note the robber “rolled” in. Yes, said perp’s getaway vehicle was a wheelchair. Trust me, it only gets better.
Mr. Heather pulled a graveyard shift and then some working from home yesterday. As a result I did not have computer access until 8:00 p.m. When I finally got around to checking my email I found a real gem. It was entitled “domain for sale?” Uncle Paulie* writes:
Hi Miss Heather,
I stumbled across your site and was interested in seeing if you would sell the domain name newyorkshitty.com. If so, please let me know. I am willing to pay $1,000.
I wasn’t interested so I didn’t reply. Nonetheless I received this (unsolicited) update at midnight:
Hi Miss Heather, please disregard my email, I ended up buying a different domain name. Have a good day.
What did Paulie expect me to do? Trip over my keyboard, flail my arms and scream OH, OH, OH! Horshack style in the hopes of accepting his generous offer? I don’t think so.
The thought I might have some attachment to this url clearly never crossed this chap’s mind. Such is the joy that is capitalism; it affords no value to “art” or personal enjoyment— unless greenbacks are involved. New York Shitty is my brain child; it is the place I share what I love (and hate) about living in New York City. For wont of a better way of putting it: newyorkshitty.com is a part of my life. It is a diary of my mental diarrhea.
For better or worse New York Shitty will persist. And for the record, it has been much better than worse. I have met some WONDERFUL (and powerful) north Brooklyn lasses (like this, this, this and this) as a result.
One grand doesn’t even begin to cover the joy operating this blog (since April 2006) gives me. Good luck with your new url schmuck. Had you added few zeros to this figure and I might— MIGHT —have considered your offer.
Miss “Easy But Not Cheap” Heather
*This is not his real name.
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
From Milton Street.
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
From Manhattan Avenue.
From Green Street.
Filed under: Area 51
Although I have nothing of value to swap I felt this was worth passing along. Anyone interested in attending, mingling and swapping should RSVP at theexchange08 (at) gmail (dot) com.
Ever had something you just couldn’t stop picking at? I distinctly remember elementary school classmates who attentively picked at each and every scab gracing their arms and legs. Beneath them (in the class caste system) were the nose pickers; while a source of curiosity (and amusement) to many, their compulsive digging did little to enhance their social status in the smash jaw world that was (and probably still is) the third grade. A distinct subset of the previous were the booger eaters. They were beyond the pale. The next (and only) stop in the preteen city of Dis were the kids who compulsively gave themselves “Indian burns” with chalk board erasers or sucked their thumbs.
I mention this because Sarah Palin and her fascinating (and rapidly procreating) family have become my scab. Inasmuch as I tell myself that I should just leave it alone the truth is I can’t. Not unlike Angel the girl who sucked her thumb until the 6th grade; I cannot avert my eyes from the Palin clan. They are too magnificently abject. I must savor every sordid detail.
I’m not the only one, either. I get anywhere from 6-8 emails a day from Pa Heather outlining their latest misdeeds. With color commentary. And given his propensity for writing (Pa Heather did, after all, once send President Jimmy Carter a four page typewritten letter politely telling him everything he was doing wrong), the commentary has been copious.
The last time Pa Heather and I talked “politics” (and had a true father/daughter moment for that matter) was after Nixon’s funeral in 1994). The source of our amusement was SpiroÂ “if you’ve seen one city slum you’ve seen them all” Agnew.*
Miss Heather: I didn’t know he was alive.
Pa Heather: I didn’t know he was out of prison.
Pa Heather has distinct (if antiquated) ideas of how women should deport themselves. He’s pro-choice, but finds women drinking beer (especially from the bottle) distasteful. Having a daughter who can match his command of profanity (and taste for beer) presents certain issues to Pa Heather. We’re not estranged; we simply do not talk that much.
That is, until Sarah Palin came along!
Depending on one’s viewpoint Pa Heather getting a new computer and high speed Internet access can be a gift or a curse. Since I am not on the receiving end of what he rants about— and he rails aplenty (did I mention Pa Heather is retired?)— I don’t really mind. In fact I find it amusing and occasionally join in.
CASE IN POINT #1: email entitled “Wonderful” dated September 2, 2008
Carville: City hall of town where Palin was mayor looks like a southern Louisiana bait shop.
Now, now. Not everyone can have a city hall as splendid as ours. Toss in a portable television, mini fridge and a porch swing for courtin’ and this baby will be PHAT!
As a matter of fact Wasilla’s City Hall might have a distinct advantage over ours: it appears to be equipped with a drive-thru window. We city slickers (and community organizers) need to quit examining our over-educated navels and recognize progress. After you pay off your parking tickets I bet the City of Wasilla throws in a free growler of beer or a round (or two) of ammunition.
CASE IN POINT #2: an email entitled “From (name excised)” dated September 3, 2008
In case you are hungry for more about SP, here it is.
8 More Shocking Revelations About Sarah Palin
By Isaac Fitzgerald and Tana Ganeva, AlterNet
Posted on September 3, 2008, Printed on September 3, 2008
To wit I replied:
It’s so touching to see such “family values” at work.
This time I hit “reply all” and copied all my father’s friends. The more the merrier, thought. It was. I got a reply from one of them:
I am shocked, shocked that such things have occurred during this fine, upstanding citizen’s watch!
Feeling loquacious, I kept the ball rolling:
I know, I am as disgusted as you are: Captain Morgan?!? Surely Bristol could have secured better hooch. You know, with her mother being Gov and all.
Of course, you know what the Captain’s slogan is:
“Got a little Captain in You?”
These people make it too easy. Seriously. I almost feel bad about picking on Bristol Cream or whatever her name is.
CASE IN POINT #3: Yesterday’s choice morsel entitled “2 months to go”:
Todd Palin’s former business partner files an emergency motion to have his divorce papers sealed. Oh God. The Enquirer was right…she f***** his business partner..Or at least that’s what i’m going to hope and pray for. Self righteous, NEOCON, holier than thou, airhead..
I have yet to reply to this one— but I will. I will undoubtedly write something to the effect that the Palin women seem to be good at fucking (given their propensity for pro-creating— YOUNG). I suppose I should expect as much from people hailing from a state where (under the right circumstances) a 13 year old can be considered of age to consent.
But this post isn’t about Palin-bashing (as fun and easy as it is). Rather it is a testament to family values and togetherness.
Ms. Sarah Palin has not only moved my father, an AVOWED ATHIEST, to type the word “god” with a capital “G” but she has moved him to “hope” and “pray”. Pa Heather is not only an atheist. He also happens to be an avowed social conservative who voted for Barry Goldwater in 1964 and will probably vote for Obama in 2008. Do I find this shocking? Yes. But you know what they say:
God works in mysterious ways.
Most importantly dear old dad and I have exchanged more emails in three days than we usually do in three months since this dipstick with lipstick came onto the scene. Sometimes even Ma Heather joins in the fun!
Thank you Sarah, Todd, Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Trig (O’nometry)** and lest I forget Levi Johnston*** for bringing my wayward family back together!
Photo Credits: Just Jared and CNN
*Along with this sensitive sentiment:
Three things have been difficult to tame: the oceans, fools and women. We may soon be able to tame the oceans; fools and women will take a little longer.
Guess what Spiro? They (being the Republican Party) DID IT. How else can you explain why Palin is on the Vice Presidential ticket and this?
**Sarah Palin confessed to smoking pot in college but said she didn’t like it. Her children’s names beg to differ. What will Bristol name her child? I’d like to propose Boolean Algebra Johnston— BooJay for short.
***The HOT future felon/Billy Carter that you are! If/when I become President I’ll make you my intern.