How To Win Friends & Influence People In Greenpoint

November 15, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

AKA: Metallicans 1:3


Oh, Greenpoint! How I do love thee? Let me count the ways… Actually there are too damned many to count so here are two:

  1. Where else in New York City can you buy groceries on a Sunday morning while listening to “Unchained” by Van Halen? The Garden Spot’s very own Garden, that’s where!*
  2. What I witnessed last night at a certain wine store on Manhattan Avenue** after meeting a good friend for dinner.

I walked into the aforementioned establishment to hear the Manager (?) and two other chaps (employees???) singing along to the music playing in the store. Suffice it to say it was NOT Lawrence Welk. The fourth gent (rounding out this quartet) then proceeded to make a major faux pas by asking:

Who is this?

The singing stopped. An air of stifling silence (save the music) and breached etiquette overtook the room. I, the outsider, decided to break the ice:

It’s Metallica, isn’t it?

Metallicans #1-3 (in no particular order): (sighs of disgust) DUH! It dates from 1986.
Gent #4: (starts to sputter an explanation —but sensing futility —stops)
Me: I don’t know which album this is, but this is definitely Metallica.
Head Metallican (to me): You know those jokes they make about Polish people?
Me (getting a little nervous): Yeah.
Head Metallican: This man (pointing to Gent #4) is 110% Polish.


I’m not too sure what it takes to be Polish in Greenpoint anymore. My surname, I have been told, is “too Lithuanian” to make the grade. What’s more my knowledge of Metallica is apparently too good.

I had some trepidations at first about posting this incident but then I thought the better of it. If you can’t laugh at yourself and bust someone’s chops in good humor (over Metallica, no less) would life really be worth living? Think about it.

Miss Heather

*Which I took great delight in singing along the following passage (with the requisite Diamond David Lee Roth moves— inasmuch as is possible in a grocery store) much to Mr. Heather’s chagrin:

Woo-hoo! Take a look at this!
Hey man, that suit is you!
Whoo-whee! You’ll get some leg tonight for sure!
Tell us how you do! Hoo hoo hoo!
(Come on Dave, gimme a break)
Hey hey hey hey! One break, comin’ up!

**With features a certain VERY phallic vodka bottle in the window.

Subway Poster du Jour: All In One Day

November 15, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

While not as elegant as the work of Poster Boy, I felt this devilishly simple poster modification (which hails from the Queens-bound platform of the G train at Clinton-Washington) worth passing along. How could the designer of this poster NOT see this one coming? Seriously.

Miss Heather

Another Franklin Corner Store Bombshell?

November 15, 2008 ·
Filed under: Crazy Cat Lady, Greenpoint Magic 

First it was the news they sold the store and Andre would be leaving us. Next they remodeled and ceased (for all intensive purposes) carrying groceries —although to be fair the quality of the sandwiches has not suffered much if at all. Now I have yet another controversial development to pass along: no more Oreo! I met her charming temp (replacement? protege?) “Tiger” (as seen on the left) yesterday. Concerned, I asked what happened. Here’s the scoop:

Oreo is alive and well and living with a lady named Irene. For those of you who are not in the know this is the woman who gave her to the store in the first place; her cat had a little of kittens and one of which happened to be Oreo. What’s more, the word is Oreo is pregnant… again! Will she get paid maternity leave? Will she come back? Most importantly will Tiger be able to shoulder her many onerous responsibilities?

I suppose only time will tell.

In the meantime let’s make this little fella feel at home. Little Tiger has a huge some mighty big paw prints to fill!

Miss Heather

Williamsburg Photo du Jour: How Many?

November 15, 2008 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

Ever heard the adage “How many angels can dance on the head of pin”? It’s 2008 now and my updated question is of a less theological, more gustatory and distinctly north Brooklyn nature:

How many “Asian” restaurants can there be in a row on Bedford Avenue?

As of November 14, 2008 the answer is (or will soon be) FOUR:

  1. 212 Bedford: Wild Ginger, “Pan-Asian Vegan Cafe”
  2. 210 Bedford: Zen Tango, “Japanese & Malay Fusion”
  3. 208 Bedford: Red Bowl, what I presume to be Chinese
  4. 206 Bedford: Tai Thai, Thai Food.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Finds Another Novel Use for Bicycle Lanes

November 14, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

One thing folks seem to forget about the newly “hip” neighborhood that is the Garden Spot of the Universe is it not only home to a young “affluent influx”, but it is also calls a rather substantial number of seniors as residents. A number of these elderly people have difficulty getting around so they employ scooters to help them go about their daily routine and live independently. I for one think this is fantastic. The only problem is some of our sidewalks do not necessarily make the best terrain for such vehicles (or pedestrians, for that matter).

But our newly-installed bike lanes fit the bill beautifully. This is the second person I have seen using the Manhattan Avenue bike lanes for some four-wheeling today. Follows is the third.

After I shot this video a passerby asked me why I was laughing. I assured her I was not laughing at this woman for having mobility problems and using a scooter. I explained to her that I have seen no less than five people employ the bike lanes on Manhattan Avenue in just such a manner this week alone.

Inasmuch as some might think to the contrary, this neighborhood is not just for the young and wealthy. It’s for everyone. Way to go my fellow Greenpointers. THIS is what I call “taking back the streets”!

Miss Heather

P.S.: Can anyone say “Critical Mass”?

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Present

November 14, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

From Green Street.

Miss Heather

Fedders Friday: A Very Special Gift

November 14, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Fedders Friday, Greenpoint Magic 

I recently received an email from Ann Kansfield of the Greenpoint Reformed Church. It read as follows:

I have an awesome gift for you that I found this morning. Are you around today that I might be able to get it to you?

Unfortunately I was sick and told her to wait. Then she emailed me the following irresistible teaser:

No worries – take your time and feel better. To help you along in your healing process, or at least make you smile… can I tell you what I found for you? — it’s a tin Fedders sign. You can hang it on your wall and feel all cool and kitsch. If you don’t like it, you won’t hurt my feelings.

Needless to say I headed down there the next day without delay. FEVER be damned!

She even left it out front for me.

I’ve had this beauty in my apartment for a couple days now. It has become my muse, so to speak. Yesterday I had an epiphany. A vision of Fedderism so glorious I will not divulge it at this time. It will take some time and a lot of planning. The latter of which I am not especially adept at. But take my word for it: when it comes to pass it will be good.

In the meantime this select item will hang above my laundry hamper next to my framed letter from Jim McGreevey.

Miss Heather

P.S.: For more inexplicably Fedders Friday-esque goodness be sure to check out Brownstoner’s new feature “Horror Show Fridays”.

Williamsburg Photo du Jour: UGLY

November 13, 2008 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

This editorial (which is located on Kent Avenue across the street from Northside Piers) has sustained some damage but the message still gets across. Loud and clear.

Miss Heather

The Loneliest Stooge: Curly

November 13, 2008 ·
Filed under: Crazy Cat Lady, Williamsburg 

This week when I swung by Empty Cages Collective I was both pleased and disappointed to learn that Curly’s partners in crime, Moe and Larry, have been adopted to good homes. I could tell he was lonely so I removed him from solitary confinement and gave him some much-needed t.l.c. He was all purrs until I tried to put him back. That’s when he decided to pay his upstairs neighbors a little visit…

and ends up getting a little more than he bargained for!

Anyone interested in giving this handsome (and quite mischievous) little fella or any of his fellow (and equally adorable) feline friends a home should contact Empty Cages Collective at emptycagescollective (at) gmail (dot) com.

Miss Heather

Great Moments In Flier Making: Any Means Necessary

November 13, 2008 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

While I have to admit that I personally find flier distributors to be annoying 99% of the time I have to give this man (who also does odd jobs, by the way) credit for his marketing strategy. I would never, ever in a million years think of using Malcolm X as a resume tool. What’s more I doubt Mr. X (had he been alive today) would either.

Miss Heather