Diary Of A Boobifier

September 29, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

Boobification is much more than merely strapping a pair of fake breasts to something. It’s a way of life. One which requires a person to constantly hone her craft. Just as Tiger Woods practices his swing— or A-Rod hits the batting booth (or Madonna)— I have to “limber up” to make that hole-in-one or double-play. But practice doesn’t necessarily make perfect. I now realize that in addition to sheer perspiration, true boobification requires preparation and inspiration. To the latter most end today I went to Bushwick. On foot.

In order to get “in the zone” I need a big ball of rage in my belly. The best means by which I can achieve this state is to walk down Vandervoort and Morgan Avenue. These unprepossessing strips of industriana might strike the uninitiated as being a wasteland. In my experience they are a minefield of male privilege, e.g.; the entitlement to scream, hiss, honk and whistle at women (READ: me) with total orgiastic abandon.

I was not disappointed. Two gents in a truck with Pennsylvania plates were kind enough to creep along beside me for thirty feet and ask me (or some woman called “sweet lady”) if I/she wanted a ride. Given that I was the only woman present I deduced “sweet lady” was me.

I am certain the namesake of their home state, William Penn, would have found their act of charity touching. I didn’t. I thought they were creeps. I made this known by shooting them the finger. Nonplussed they drove off. Hopefully, to “Pumps”. Where they’ll have to pay for play— behind shower curtains.

It was at this point —at long last— I achieved the proper mindset to practice my dark craft: rage.

I call this photograph “Tuff Stuff” (after the lock on the above fixture) because nothing says I’m a real man like stalking a total stranger who is (at best) half his size from a pick-up truck. On Morgan Avenue.

From Bogart Street. No explanation required.

One of the challenges I encountered in Bushwick was most of the objects that caught my discerning eye were located in playgrounds. Playgrounds = children. Having had the pleasure of being detained by the N.Y.P.D. for taking photographs under the auspices of the patriot act*, I limited my activities to parks where minors were not present. If taking pictures of Christmas decorations merits police intervention I imagine despoiling a child’s mind with breast imagery in this day and age would merit a one way ticket to Gitmo.

This fella (from Noll Street) presented me with a challenge. I had a vision, but alas, the string gracing my girls broke while trying to make it happen. I rummaged around my backpack for a “quick fix”. I found one. Call me a Macgyver with tits. Four of them to be precise— and a paper clip.

It took me roughly ten minutes to make this work. The whole time I was struggling to strap tits on this (polar?) bear a chap was beating a tree trunk with an aluminum baseball bat behind me. Vigorously. Once he realized what I was doing he left. No questions asked. That’s one of the things I love about New York City: people mind their own damned business. He went Ty Cobb on a tree, I strapped tits on a polar bear; we each understood the other’s need to work out “anger”.

And last —but hardly least —the tits de résistance. They hail from Public School 145 on George Street.

I cannot come up with a title for this one. Suggestions, anyone?

Now if you don’t mind I’m off to rehabilitate my boobs.

Miss Heather

*Not capitalized on purpose.

P.S.: The photograph gracing the beginning of this post hails from Humboldt Street in Greenpoint. I’d like to dedicate it to John McCain. For some inexplicable reason it makes me think of him.

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: $700,000,000,000.00

September 29, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

From Meeker Avenue.

Miss Heather

Williamsburg Photo du Jour: 20-Something Angst Edition

September 29, 2008 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

From North 12th Street.

Miss Heather

Pubic Service Announcement

September 29, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic 

All you Greenpointers out there whose cuffs and collars simply must match (or be colored in a fuchsia hue— and you know who you are) will be pleased to know the “new” Duane Reade at 893 Manhattan Avenue is selling betty beauty * products. Be advised that the price of perversity is a bit stiff: $19.99 plus tax.

Miss Heather

*I wonder if I could contribute a box of “fun betty” to Sarah Palin’s Vice Presidential campaign? If she goes “pink” I’ll vote red. Naturally I will demand photographic evidence that this has come to pass.

The Tao Of The G

September 29, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

I have seen people do a number of things while riding in or waiting for the subway over the years. In addition to more pedestrian pursuits (READ: sleeping, making out, vomiting, etc.), I have witnessed men and women alike clipping their toenails. On more than one occasion. These folks have something I simply do not possess: the ability to feel right at home in the subterranean innards of our city. Any given subway platform might as well be their living room (or bedroom). Speaking as someone who does her best simply not to TOUCH anything in the subway system (and carries a container of baby wipes in the event she does) I find this phenomenon fascinating.

Which brings me to this guy I saw on the Smith – 9th bound platform of the G at Metropolitan Avenue this weekend.

Mister Heather thought I was laughing at this chap. This is not so. What I felt was something more akin to envy. He has clearly achieved a comfort level with the G train I have yet to attain.

Stiff and unbending is the principle of death.
Gentle and yielding is the principle of life.

Patience is the foremost precept of Crosstown Local consciousness. Learn it, live it, love it.

Miss Heather

I Have Been Waiting For This Moment

September 28, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

New Mexico sandwich “poco queso”: a sandwich so fucking good even our cat Bodhi cannot resist its allure.

Yes folks, the Franklin Corner Store has re-opened.

Franklin Corner Store
210 Franklin Street
Brooklyn, New York 11222

Hallelujah!

Miss Heather

New York Shitty Photos du Jour: Same City, Different World

September 28, 2008 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

North 5th Street, Brooklyn.

Mott Street, Manhattan.

Someone in Chinatown really, really likes pigs.

Among other things.

Miss Heather

Williamsburg Photo du Jour: Bedford Avenue

September 27, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

The Color of Living Well

Unless of course you happen to have the misfortune of living on the same block as this monolithic (and quite incomplete) turd. In which case your amenities include street harassment, the street being blocked by their construction equipment (constantly), garbage and the sound of construction at all hours.

Miss Heather

P.S.: If it is called the “ViRiDiAN” why isn’t it green? Or is “black” the new green in Greenpoint? If so, it ain’t that new.

Greenpoint Photos du Jour: Manhattan Avenue

September 27, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Looks like at least two (ADORABLE) Greenpointers had fun despite today’s dreary weather!

Miss Heather

Crosstown Local Photo du Jour: Ask Lehman

September 27, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

From the Queens-bound platform at Greenpoint Avenue.

Miss Heather