Filed under: Area 51
Anybody who regularly reads the blog Newyorkshitty by a certain Miss Heather of Greenpoint knows that she’s disgusting and hilarious, going around the hood photographing dog poop and other vulgarities, then commenting on it in a way that fuses Dorothy Parker and South Park…
Dorothy Parker?!? Thanks for the compliment, Mr. Murphy. I’m not being sarcastic. Although I always fancied myself more of a Chuck Bukowski girl. After all I live in Greenpoint and am one of only two women I know who likes The Three Stooges*. Seriously. I am an anomaly.
One who takes great relish in her vulgarity. Profanity is my craft. I apprenticed under my father; as a Journey(wo)man I polished my skills in New York Shitty. Greenpoint is my Valhalla, but alas a Journeywoman I still am. The following angry missive (courtesy of Pixxietails) made this fact clear all too clear to yours truly.
Rimming Meat Loaf?!? Ann and Nancy, that’s GROSS!
I have had this picture seared in my mind ALL DAY. It wasn’t pretty; in fact, I lost my appetite.
Needless to say I am your eager apprentice, Barracudas.
*ESPECIALLY the Rajah of Canarsie, the Flathead from Flatbush and on the islands of Coney and Long fair chickadees who prowl the meadows day and night can be found!
P.S.: Didn’t John bother to read the lyrics of this song? Probably not.
If the real thing dont do the trick
No, you better make up something quick
You gonna burn burn burn burn it to the wick
Ooooooohhhh, barra barracuda.
Filed under: Area 51
I have been receiving a lot of it of late. A. LOT. While always irritating, now the brains behind sending me, a female, adverts for Cialis, Viagra and porn sites featuring blushing young woman doing very dirty things have added yet another diabolical flourish to their sordid solicitations: asking me to confirm receipt of their crap.
Now let me tell you, I harbor the nothing but the darkest possible hatred for people who engage in this practice. Experience has proven to me time and time again only corporate drones who can’t find their ass with both hands —and as such assume I cannot either— ask me to confirm receipt of their emails in this manner. Anyone who would program a robot shilling porn and pills (I clearly do not need) invokes a hellish wrath in my person mere words cannot adequately describe. Seriously. We’re talking rage, kids.
On that note I am going to give them what they want: confirmation of that I received their missives. Miss Heather style: haikus using their own fucking ad copy.
Louise (I Love You Long Time)
El saludo im
Louise im 24 years old.
My ass wait you here!
Ola im Lulu,
To My Group Sex Video.
Look rather at! Thanks!
Never Give Up (Ode to Cialis)
When you are young and
stressed up. When you
are aged never give upâ€¦
That felt really, really good. Methinks I will have to write more of these moving forward. Keep the spam coming assholes (and I have no doubt you will). Now if you don’t mind I’m off to write a Bad Date Haiku.*
*Anyone interested in making a contribution (until we establish a “system”) can do so by emailing me:
missheather (at) newyorkshitty (dot) com
Be sure to include a link to an accompanying photograph. How will you know I received your email? When I post it, that’s how!
McCarren Park Pool, September 22, 2008.
I have been rather grumpy of late. This is due in large part to a seemingly never-ending series of pet-related maladies. First it was an abscessed anal gland. In treating that the veterinarian noticed the front of our cat wasn’t looking so good: this entailed having three teeth pulled. An appointment was made. Next it was two (other) cats getting ringworm. We are treating this with some level of success on our own.
After getting a deep cleaning of my own teeth (which entailed being given Novocaine) I hurried home (and in so doing got spritzed with cement) took a bath and ventured back out to retrieve our cat Artemis from having his teeth extracted. I was not in a good mood. So I arrive at the vet. As is usually the case I had to wait a good 20 minutes.
Then it was my turn. I am told the surgery went well and then the vet said:
That anal gland is healing nicely. Have you looked at it?
I took a deep breath and replied:
You are the second such person to ask me this question this week. The fact of the matter is I have looked at that cat’s asshole more in the last two weeks than I ever cared to. For a lifetime. If you and my husband say it is healing well I’ll take your word for it.
Believe it or not I think the vet understood. He thought it was funny in any case. He’s paid (handsomely, I will add) to look at this shit anyway. I am not. I seemingly cannot avoid this subject matter. It is follows me where ever I go. Those of you who are old enough might remember the old Tootsie Roll commercial: their cheerful protagonist saw Tootsie Rolls everywhere he (or she— cannot remember which) went. I see anal glands where ever I go— or are forced to talk about them. This is no way to go through life.
CASES IN POINT:
I have been wanting to get back to doing collages. I am not only good at creating them and I also enjoy the process. It relaxes me. To this end I needed material so I picked up this book at the junk shop. I get home and crack it open. Here is what I saw.
A few days later I went to dinner with a friend. She asked me how Artie’s anal glands were doing. I said “just fine”. Then she regaled with a tale about the time her old dog’s anal gland got backed up and the vet had to “drain it”. It seems like everyone has their own anal gland story and now I have mine. Lucky me.
This week I went out with a friend for a walk. As we were walking down North 12th Street I spied this.
Me: Hey look, another tree twat.
Friend: Tree twat?
Me: Someone has been going around Greenpoint and Williamsburg painting knot-holes pink, which lends them a certain “sexual” feel. I call them tree twats, although this one looks more like an anal gland.
Friend: It does?
Me: Yup, only less disgusting.
It was at this point I realized I had a problem. I needed to quit anal glands and move on. I needed closure (in more ways than one). So I decided to try a little art therapy on India Street.
Every dog has a pair of anal glands located on the sides of and just below the opening of the anus. These small glands secrete a lubricant which helps the dog move his bowels easily. Sometimes these anal glands become clogged and accumulate a putrid mass in side. When this happens, the dog becomes listless, his eyes appear dull, and he often tries to lick the anus or pull himself across the floor on his haunches for relief.
The Complete Poodle Clipping & Grooming Book by Shirlee Kalstone.
If you’re wondering if rabbits have anal glands: they do. Someone has even written a dissertation about them.
I know sometimes you post about stoop sales and the like, and so I thought I’d pass this onto you.Â Myself and 2 roomates are leaving our Greenpoint home and have a number of things to get rid of.Â Post it on the blog if you like, but I thought you may be interested in any case.
Here’s a sneak peek of some of the items they will have for sale!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Noon – 4:00 p.m.
111 Huron Street
Brooklyn, New York 11222
They have been working on this space (formerly belonging to Kasjan Bakery) for some time but at long last this week they finally gave us an indication as to what will be moving in: Tacos & More*. Needless to say I am very, very eager to check out their wares! Now if we could get some decent Indian and Middle Eastern food in this neighborhood we’ll be all aces.
Tacos & More
668 Manhattan Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222
Opening Date & Hours: T.B.A.
*and Queens Haircutters. Odd name for a barber shop given it is located in KINGS Country.
Filed under: Crazy Cat Lady
…i was referred to you by the blogger Jimmy legs who thought you maybe able to help me get the word out about this little stray kitten i found in the Kensington neighborhood of Brooklyn. I have made a blog for her to try and get potential adopter’s attention and would be grateful if u can help spread the word.
She is around 6 to 8 weeks old and was weighing 1.1 pound last Sunday, she is however tested FIV +, although at this early age FIV result are not that accurate and it may turn out that she is not actually infected. But to be on the safe and realistic side she must be adopted into a single cat household so she won’t put any other cats at risk for FIV, and she may not be so suitable for a first time cat owner. Since she could be considered special needs she really need a responsible and caring person to look after her.
Anyone interested in meeting “GEK” should contact her keeper at: grey.eyed.kitten (at) gmail (dot) com. NOTE: she has been successfully litter trained! You can read all about it by clicking here.
UPDATE: The kitty formerly known as “GEK” has been adopted! She now goes by the (wonderful) name “YoYo”. YAY!
From Lorimer Street.
From Bedford Avenue.
P.S.: For more fun stuff about Ms. Palin click here.
Be advised much of the previous and follows is disgusting.
I for one like her charging rape victims (or their insurance companies) for rape kits (to save the taxpayers the expense). I have worked with victims of violent crime. It is not an experience I will forget anytime soon. Have you ever had a mother SCREAMING at you over the phone that a hospital turned over charges for her daughter’s rape kit to a collection agency?
I have. I referred her to the local “rape shelter”. They paid for it.
Have you ever had a mother yell at you because her son (10 years old, raped by “a man of the cloth”) is trying to kill himself and needs medication?
I have. I referred her to the “boss”. The boss took her call. He got his meds.
Have you, Sarah Palin, ever seen the face of sexual violence? I don’t think so. It was a parade of shameful parents and children passing my desk. Apologizing to me for being there. To get financial assistance for something that was outside their control.
Do you think rape victims were asking for it, Sarah? Or were are they simply a tax a burden?
The office I worked at was funded largely by V.A.W.A.: Violence Against Women Act. If my memory serves me correctly Joe Biden’s office was responsible for this, not you.
Your creds are as follows, Sarah:
- Beauty Queen/MILF (look it up)
- Marginally qualified, but panders to the religious right and has a twat
- Your future son-in-law is a train wreck. He chewed gum “like a tool” during the RNC. We, being the jaded and godless New Yorkers we are, find him fascinating.
I eagerly look forward to your Veep debate Sarah. Cry sexism as much as you want, Biden did more for women than you ever did. Or will.