Woke up to the sounds of sirens this morning.Â Went down and the Rat King’s new residence was smoking.Â I got there right as the smoke was really kicking up and the firemen were pouring in.Â The ‘King’ himself was yelling at the firemen.Â They were trying to get him out of the way “Buddy, Get the Fuck Back!”Â That’s him there in the blue shirt.
WOW. This makes two houses gone is an many months. Anyone care to guess where the Rat King (or as some of you prefer: the Pigeon King) will hang his hat next?
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
I have heard a very disturbing piece of news from a reliable source; the Greenpoint Coffee House’s landlord has made it known that he will not be renewing their lease. Why is this so, you ask? Because he plans to operate his own coffee house there.
Now before everyone panics let it be known they have approximately two more years on their lease so they will not be packing it in anytime soon. Nonetheless I have been told the owner of the Greenpoint Coffeehouse is shopping around for space. Let’s hope she finds it. I suspect I echo the sentiments of many when I say the Greenpoint Coffeehouse is a local institution.
That is what I needed Monday. Sleep deprivation, infected anal glands and unsolicited offers to buy my url be damned! I wanted satisfaction so I went out and got it… with a little help from my friends.
Last weekend my buddy Larry da Junkman gave me this pair of comedy breasts (as modeled by our cat Artemis). He knew I needed them. I knew I did as well —but for what?
Then I remembered being called “nipples” last month and it all fell into place. Clearly the men of Brooklyn crave boobies. They are obviously not getting enough mammary goodness at home, so (being the civic minded person I am) I have decided to provide the nipples they sorely desire. My mission: to bring the mountains to Mohammed— in a manner of speaking.
Yesterday was the first step in my long journey to boobify Brooklyn. Excited, I threw my mamazons into the backpack and hit the road. Destination: Greenpoint and Williamsburg. Follows are some highlights.
I started simply on Quay Street.
On Roebling Street I realized they fit fire hydrants quite nicely.
I call this one “Red, White & Boobs”. It comes from Union Avenue.
I always thought this knight (gracing the front of a Polish Restaurant on Manhattan Avenue) was cheesy. I like him a lot better now that he sports a rack!
Does your neighborhood have a Starboobs? Greenpoint does!
And last —but hardly least —my favorite:
It’s amazing how much fun you can have with a pair of fake boobs on a Monday afternoon. Methinks I will carry them with me from now on and photograph them where ever my feet happen to take me. Watch out Brooklyn, you are about to get boobified!
P.S.: You can see more of my boobification pix by clicking here.
I have been told there will be a free buffet for the sampling and wine!
For all you animal lovers who find yourselves in Manhattan tomorrow night nogoodforme will be sponsoring a night of fashion (including Williamsburg’s very own Sodafine!), music and art benefiting Brooklyn’s very own B.A.R.C.! Festivities start at 8:00 p.m. Be advised that viewing the fashions is free but the bands will cost you a mere $8.00!
Last up, Cafecito Bogota will be throwing its first Spanish Language conversation meet-up group Wednesday, September 10, at 7:00 p.m.
1015 Manhattan Avenue
Brooklyn, New York, 11222
So much to do, so little time! Get your art/fashion/Espanol on!
Filed under: Williamsburg
After the kind of weekend I had I really needed to blow off some steam. Not only did the Mister work INSANE hours from home (we’re talking day and night) but I had the dubious honor of learning something new Saturday night:
- Cats have anal glands.
- Sometimes these anal glands get abscesses.
I will you spare you the visuals, just suffice it to say it is as disgusting as it sounds. I get to schlep our cat to the vet tomorrow to get it “looked at”. Lucky me. But I digress.
After listening to nothing but I.T. conference calls and compressing my cat’s festering asshole all weekend I really needed to get out for some fresh air. So I took a walk this lovely Monday afternoon*.
When I reached the intersection of Bedford Avenue and North 9th Street this sign caught my eye. Intrigued, I went in for a closer look.
Ah Sarah Palin… you and your brood never fail to provide grist for our north Brooklynite mill! WHoever is responsible for this sign (and the annotation) THANK YOU. This gave me a (VERY) much-needed laugh.
P.S.: Those of you who are wondering what “Z.P.G.” is should please click here.
*I also indulged in a little art project. Stay tuned.
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
From Clay Street.
pimpification (pimpâ€™-if-fic-ka-shen) n. Customizing a standard turn of the century four story walk-up using large quantities of stucco, glass and chrome. The end product should be jarringly out of context and garish, if not downright bizarre. â€”pimpâ€™-i-fyâ€™ v. (ified, fying, -fies) Not to be confused with crapification. See: Green Street.
First came the stucco and chrome. I called it Fedderized.
Then they painted the curb yellow and wrote “No Parking 24/7″. My neighbor parked there anyway. She got a ticket. She called the city; they got a citation and were ordered to correct it. Now the sidewalk reads “Parking 24/7″.
Then came the awning and garbage can holder.
I called these hilarious.
Finally the fancy doorbell next to an institutional grey sheet metal door caught my eye. Then it hit me: this was no mere act of crapification. This was something more.
This building has been PIMPIFIED!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
The first thing that struck me about Greenpoint is the affection the people (women primarily) have for wearing leopard print. My fair burgh is known for a number of things (drunks, Polish people and pollution to name a few); I would like to humbly suggest that this eccentric fashion sensibility be added to the list. If I had the money I would open a leopard print emporium. I would not lack customers, take this woman for example.
The above photograph was taken by yours truly back in 2006. Granted, things have changed quite a bit here in the last two years. The Garden Spot has become COOL— and as a result it has undergone an unprecedented spate of luxurification. I see a lot of new faces nowadays. Here’s one such newbie I spied last weekend.
I guess the more things change in Greenpoint the more they stay the same. This dude’s ‘do was quite remarkable. This photograph hardly does it justice.
P.S.: I’d like to give a big shout out to this Hasidic gentlemen I saw on Eagle Street yesterday. I will not profess to understand his religious practices (as a feminist I find them troubling), but any guy man enough to carry a Hello Kitty bag in public is A-OK by my book. I always knew Hello Kitty would be the one to unite us all!
Those pink things are hearts.
Rock on, Greenpoint!
Pa Heather writes:
OK Brooklyn, Top This One
DALLAS â€” A robber rolled into a Dallas convenience store came armed with a bat and a knife. He left with a lot of condoms and an energy drink.
Note the robber “rolled” in. Yes, said perp’s getaway vehicle was a wheelchair. Trust me, it only gets better.
Mr. Heather pulled a graveyard shift and then some working from home yesterday. As a result I did not have computer access until 8:00 p.m. When I finally got around to checking my email I found a real gem. It was entitled “domain for sale?” Uncle Paulie* writes:
Hi Miss Heather,
I stumbled across your site and was interested in seeing if you would sell the domain name newyorkshitty.com. If so, please let me know. I am willing to pay $1,000.
I wasn’t interested so I didn’t reply. Nonetheless I received this (unsolicited) update at midnight:
Hi Miss Heather, please disregard my email, I ended up buying a different domain name. Have a good day.
What did Paulie expect me to do? Trip over my keyboard, flail my arms and scream OH, OH, OH! Horshack style in the hopes of accepting his generous offer? I don’t think so.
The thought I might have some attachment to this url clearly never crossed this chap’s mind. Such is the joy that is capitalism; it affords no value to “art” or personal enjoyment— unless greenbacks are involved. New York Shitty is my brain child; it is the place I share what I love (and hate) about living in New York City. For wont of a better way of putting it: newyorkshitty.com is a part of my life. It is a diary of my mental diarrhea.
For better or worse New York Shitty will persist. And for the record, it has been much better than worse. I have met some WONDERFUL (and powerful) north Brooklyn lasses (like this, this, this and this) as a result.
One grand doesn’t even begin to cover the joy operating this blog (since April 2006) gives me. Good luck with your new url schmuck. Had you added few zeros to this figure and I might— MIGHT —have considered your offer.
Miss “Easy But Not Cheap” Heather
*This is not his real name.