Once Again, This Is Why I Left Texas.

September 7, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People 

Pa Heather writes:

OK Brooklyn, Top This One

DALLAS — A robber rolled into a Dallas convenience store came armed with a bat and a knife. He left with a lot of condoms and an energy drink.

Note the robber “rolled” in. Yes, said perp’s getaway vehicle was a wheelchair. Trust me, it only gets better.

Miss Heather

Thanks But No Thanks. Really. I Mean it.

September 7, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

Mr. Heather pulled a graveyard shift and then some working from home yesterday. As a result I did not have computer access until 8:00 p.m. When I finally got around to checking my email I found a real gem. It was entitled “domain for sale?” Uncle Paulie* writes:

Hi Miss Heather,

I stumbled across your site and was interested in seeing if you would sell the domain name newyorkshitty.com. If so, please let me know. I am willing to pay $1,000.

I wasn’t interested so I didn’t reply. Nonetheless I received this (unsolicited) update at midnight:

Hi Miss Heather, please disregard my email, I ended up buying a different domain name. Have a good day.

What did Paulie expect me to do? Trip over my keyboard, flail my arms and scream OH, OH, OH! Horshack style in the hopes of accepting his generous offer? I don’t think so.

The thought I might have some attachment to this url clearly never crossed this chap’s mind. Such is the joy that is capitalism; it affords no value to “art” or personal enjoyment— unless greenbacks are involved. New York Shitty is my brain child; it is the place I share what I love (and hate) about living in New York City. For wont of a better way of putting it: newyorkshitty.com is a part of my life. It is a diary of my mental diarrhea.

For better or worse New York Shitty will persist. And for the record, it has been much better than worse. I have met some WONDERFUL (and powerful) north Brooklyn lasses (like this, this, this and this) as a result.

One grand doesn’t even begin to cover the joy operating this blog (since April 2006) gives me. Good luck with your new url schmuck. Had you added few zeros to this figure and I might— MIGHT —have considered your offer.



Miss “Easy But Not Cheap” Heather

*This is not his real name.

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: September Flowers

September 7, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

From Milton Street.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Photos du Jour: Politics

September 6, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

From Manhattan Avenue.

From Green Street.

Miss Heather

TOMORROW: Why Shop When You Can Swap?

September 6, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Although I have nothing of value to swap I felt this was worth passing along. Anyone interested in attending, mingling and swapping should RSVP at theexchange08 (at) gmail (dot) com.

Miss Heather

Thank You Sarah Palin: Shitty Family Values

September 6, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People 

Ever had something you just couldn’t stop picking at? I distinctly remember elementary school classmates who attentively picked at each and every scab gracing their arms and legs. Beneath them (in the class caste system) were the nose pickers; while a source of curiosity (and amusement) to many, their compulsive digging did little to enhance their social status in the smash jaw world that was (and probably still is) the third grade. A distinct subset of the previous were the booger eaters. They were beyond the pale. The next (and only) stop in the preteen city of Dis were the kids who compulsively gave themselves “Indian burns” with chalk board erasers or sucked their thumbs.

I mention this because Sarah Palin and her fascinating (and rapidly procreating) family have become my scab. Inasmuch as I tell myself that I should just leave it alone the truth is I can’t. Not unlike Angel the girl who sucked her thumb until the 6th grade; I cannot avert my eyes from the Palin clan. They are too magnificently abject. I must savor every sordid detail.

I’m not the only one, either. I get anywhere from 6-8 emails a day from Pa Heather outlining their latest misdeeds. With color commentary. And given his propensity for writing (Pa Heather did, after all, once send President Jimmy Carter a four page typewritten letter politely telling him everything he was doing wrong), the commentary has been copious.


The last time Pa Heather and I talked “politics” (and had a true father/daughter moment for that matter) was after Nixon’s funeral in 1994). The source of our amusement was Spiro  “if you’ve seen one city slum you’ve seen them all” Agnew.*

Miss Heather: I didn’t know he was alive.
Pa Heather:
I didn’t know he was out of prison.

(dark laughter)

Pa Heather has distinct (if antiquated) ideas of how women should deport themselves. He’s pro-choice, but finds women drinking beer (especially from the bottle) distasteful. Having a daughter who can match his command of profanity (and taste for beer) presents certain issues to Pa Heather. We’re not estranged; we simply do not talk that much.

That is, until Sarah Palin came along!

Depending on one’s viewpoint Pa Heather getting a new computer and high speed Internet access can be a gift or a curse. Since I am not on the receiving end of what he rants about— and he rails aplenty (did I mention Pa Heather is retired?)— I don’t really mind. In fact I find it amusing and occasionally join in.

CASE IN POINT #1: email entitled “Wonderful” dated September 2, 2008

Pa Heather:

Carville: City hall of town where Palin was mayor looks like a southern Louisiana bait shop.

My reply:

Now, now. Not everyone can have a city hall as splendid as ours. Toss in a portable television, mini fridge and a porch swing for courtin’ and this baby will be PHAT!

As a matter of fact Wasilla’s City Hall might have a distinct advantage over ours: it appears to be equipped with a drive-thru window. We city slickers (and community organizers) need to quit examining our over-educated navels and recognize progress. After you pay off your parking tickets I bet the City of Wasilla throws in a free growler of beer or a round (or two) of ammunition.

CASE IN POINT #2: an email entitled “From (name excised)” dated September 3, 2008

In case you are hungry for more about SP, here it is.

8 More Shocking Revelations About Sarah Palin

By Isaac Fitzgerald and Tana Ganeva, AlterNet
Posted on September 3, 2008, Printed on September 3, 2008

To wit I replied:

It’s so touching to see such “family values” at work.

This time I hit “reply all” and copied all my father’s friends. The more the merrier, thought. It was. I got a reply from one of them:

I am shocked, shocked that such things have occurred during this fine, upstanding citizen’s watch!

Feeling loquacious, I kept the ball rolling:

I know, I am as disgusted as you are: Captain Morgan?!? Surely Bristol could have secured better hooch. You know, with her mother being Gov and all.

Of course, you know what the Captain’s slogan is:

“Got a little Captain in You?”

She does!

These people make it too easy. Seriously. I almost feel bad about picking on Bristol Cream or whatever her name is.


CASE IN POINT #3: Yesterday’s choice morsel entitled “2 months to go”:

Todd Palin’s former business partner files an emergency motion to have his divorce papers sealed. Oh God. The Enquirer was right…she f***** his business partner..Or at least that’s what i’m going to hope and pray for. Self righteous, NEOCON, holier than thou, airhead..

I have yet to reply to this one— but I will. I will undoubtedly write something to the effect that the Palin women seem to be good at fucking (given their propensity for pro-creating— YOUNG). I suppose I should expect as much from people hailing from a state where (under the right circumstances) a 13 year old can be considered of age to consent.

But this post isn’t about Palin-bashing (as fun and easy as it is). Rather it is a testament to family values and togetherness.

Ms. Sarah Palin has not only moved my father, an AVOWED ATHIEST, to type the word “god” with a capital “G” but she has moved him to “hope” and “pray”. Pa Heather is not only an atheist. He also happens to be an avowed social conservative who voted for Barry Goldwater in 1964 and will probably vote for Obama in 2008. Do I find this shocking? Yes. But you know what they say:

God works in mysterious ways.

Most importantly dear old dad and I have exchanged more emails in three days than we usually do in three months since this dipstick with lipstick came onto the scene. Sometimes even Ma Heather joins in the fun!

Thank you Sarah, Todd, Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Trig (O’nometry)** and lest I forget Levi Johnston*** for bringing my wayward family back together!

Miss Heather

Photo Credits: Just Jared and CNN

*Along with this sensitive sentiment:

Three things have been difficult to tame: the oceans, fools and women. We may soon be able to tame the oceans; fools and women will take a little longer.

Guess what Spiro? They (being the Republican Party) DID IT. How else can you explain why Palin is on the Vice Presidential ticket and this?

**Sarah Palin confessed to smoking pot in college but said she didn’t like it. Her children’s names beg to differ. What will Bristol name her child? I’d like to propose Boolean Algebra Johnston— BooJay for short.

***The HOT future felon/Billy Carter that you are! If/when I become President I’ll make you my intern. ;)

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Green Street

September 5, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Looks like “Franky” either got loose or was priced out by gentrification. I wonder how much the price per square foot is in Greenpoint for quality gimp digs nowadays.

Or perhaps renting gimp-quarters or getting a time share is a more economical choice given the current state of the real estate market.

Thoughts anyone?

Miss Heather

Urban Artifacts: The BQE

September 5, 2008 ·
Filed under: Urban Artifact, Williamsburg 

As many of you are aware my compatriot over at the Gowanus Lounge has an affection for abandoned couches. I must as well because I see fit to supply them with a great many. Well, here’s a few things to round the discerning Williamsburger’s al fresco living room.

I don’t know about you, but when I get home the first thing I want to do is hang up my coat.

What would a living room be without a coffee table?

I suppose most people would consider this littering. I for one find it rather ingenius.

How about some books for said coffee table? Now all you need is something to prop up those tired feet.

No worries, I’ve got you covered. In leopard print, no less.

Throw in a couple of dicks and viola your new open air lifestyle is ready to roll!

Miss Heather

THIS WEEKEND: Sunnyside Shorts

September 5, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Queens 

This is a quick reminder that this Saturday, September 6, the Sunnyside Shorts Film Festival will be taking place at the Sunnyside Gardens Park in (care to guess) Sunnyside, Queens.

The show starts at sunset (approximately 8:00 p.m.) and early arrivers will be treated to “traditional harp music” courtesy of Donie Carroll, Dan Neely and members of The Washington Square Harp and Shamrock Orchestra. This event is absolutely free and you can get more details by clicking here.

Miss Heather

P.S.: For those of you looking for a little something to quaff tonight Dandy Wine will be hosting another tasting right here in Greenpoint. Here are the deets per the email I received this morning:

My girl Melissa will be here pouring three lovely wines, all from different regions and different varieties, but all wonderful just the same.  Here is the line-up for FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 5th, 2008:

1.  MARTIN CODAX, ALBARINO 2006, RIAX BAIXAS, SPAIN (Martin Codax was a 13th century Galician troubadour, whose romantic works spoke of the inherent beauty of the Spanish countryside and coast.  The name     was given to the winery that produces this refreshingly dry Albarino.  Tart on the tongue, with nice round juicy fruits of citrus, peach, and pear! Yummmm.) $13

2.  GHOST PINES, CHARDONNAY 2006, CALIFORNIA (This is a winemaker’s blend; sourcing the best fruit from Sonoma, Napa, and Monterey counties.  Flavors of baked apples, crisp pear, and creamy oak.) $19

3.  GASCON, MALBEC 2007, MENDOZA ARGENTINA (Since 1884, Gascon has been recognized for the rich, smooth flavors that come from this high altitude vineyard situated along the Cordillera of the Andes Mountains.  Full-bodied and elegant, this Malbec has layers of blackberry, blueberry, dark cherry and mocha.  Perfect wine for FALL!!!) $14

If you missed last week’s tasting due to travel, apathy, or lack of email, you must come for a visit and drink some wine, eat some cheese, and meet your fellow Greenpointers!  All the cool kids are doing it…  it’s the best happy hour in town!

We’ll be pouring wine from 6 PM – 9 PM.  Hope to see you there.  We are located at 153 Franklin Street between India and Java in beautiful Greenpoint, Brooklyn.

And if you can’t make it to the tasting, be sure to drop by soon, we have a lot of new wine to check out.

Photo Credit: Sunnyside Shorts dot net

Photos du Jour: Can I Has Cheezburger?

September 5, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Long Island City 

Quay Street, Greenpoint.

5th Street, Long Island City.

Miss Heather