The Word On The Street, Part II: Special Crosstown Local Edition

Courtesy Cunts! nys

Last night the Mister and I went out to dinner for his birthday. This required patronizing the G train. In transit inspiration (if one can call it that) struck!

Discharge only nys

P.S.: I spied the above missive at Court Square on the trip home. Note how the MTA seems to have left a nice big blank area for, um, “feedback”.

The Word On The Street, Part II: West 4 Street

West 4 Street small

Taken May 30, 2015.

New York Shitty Photo Du Jour: No Exit

No exit 600

 

This bit of hilarity can be found at Court Square just above the platform for the Crosstown Local. Those of you who are wondering what the real reason is for the MTA want to implement another fare hike? Look no further. Here it is: a budgetary shortfall for “Caution” tape.

 

 

Crosstown Local Photo Du Jour: Waiting

April 25, 2015 ·
Filed under: 11211, Crosstown Local, Subway, Williamsburg, Williamsburg Brooklyn 

Waiting For The G nys

Today yours truly sojourned around parts Greenpoint, Bedford Stuyvesant, Crown Heights and Prospect Heights. My “ride” was, of course, the good ol’ Crosstown Local. The G train. My “commute” was surprisingly, disquietingly trouble free. As you can see in the above photo (taken around 5:30 this afternoon at the Metropolitan Avenue stop— and is much better appreciated/viewed in larger format) others— many others— were not so lucky. The entire platform looked like this. Good times.

The Word On The Street: Special 7 Train Edition

Court Square nys

Sunnyside Social Club nys

Presenting the “Sunnyside Social Club” as discovered today at Court Square. Rules are welcome, but alas “bitches” are not.

So be it. I will simply establish my own club appointed with its own bigger, better cardboard box. It will be identified not with a paltry ballpoint pen. Such devices are the stuff of practicing amateurs, I assure you. Rather a Sharpie marker will be pressed into service. Hell, I may even kick it up a couple notches and roll out a paint pen. Or ( dare I say it???) a Dymo label maker! It goes without saying (but I will do so here anyway so as to clear up any possible confusion) that “bitches”, assholes and malcontents of all stripes will be welcome. So there.

P.S.: While I am on the subject (of the MTA, Queens and confusion) the following service notice confused the ever-loving shit out of me.

Confusing Service Notice nys

Note the copious use of the word “about”. You gotta love this kind of ambiguity from an entity which recently imposed a rather unpopular fare hike. Well played, MTA!

 

Presenting the Magickal G Train Service Advisory Ball!

September 9, 2014 ·
Filed under: 11222, Crosstown Local, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

Bergen Street 2 nysThe last two weeks have been spent by yours truly enjoying a staycation with the Mister in this— our— fine city. As the term “staycation” would suggest, this entails patronizing mass transit— and when mass transit is on the table invariably arguments spirited discourse ensue over how to get from point “a” to point “b”.

Some people argue politics.

Others belabor religion.

The Mister and I? We have enough trouble simply agreeing upon how to get to and from Queens. And the Bronx. Come to think of it pretty much anywhere. This is how we roll. The world— or at least this country— might be a better place if others would take our bickering lead. But I digress.

The absence of Crosstown Local service initially mitigated these disputes: we took the shuttle bus. Why, you ask? Very simple: because it was free. Then service was “reinstituted” and “issues” arose. During one of the aforementioned “issues” the Mister (being a rather structured individual) noted that I do not exhibit any semblance of “Cartesian Logic”. Not being of a(n academic) philosophical bent, I had resort to a “for dummies” primer online. Yes. I speak of none other than Wikipedia:

Descartes argues – for example, in the third of his Meditations on First Philosophy – that whatever one clearly and distinctly perceives is true: “I now seem to be able to lay it down as a general rule that whatever I perceive very clearly and distinctly is true.” (AT VII 35) He goes on in the same Meditation to argue for the existence of a benevolent God, in order to defeat his skeptical argument in the first Meditation from the possibility that God be a deceiver. He then says that without his knowledge of God’s existence, none of his knowledge could be certain. The argument takes this form: 1) Descartes’ proof of the reliability of clear and distinct perceptions takes as a premise God’s existence as a non-deceiver. 2) Descartes’ proofs of God’s existence presuppose the reliability of clear and distinct perceptions.

Alrighty then. I’d like to see Rene “Smarty Pants” Descartes take on the G train. Really.

Exhibit A: Fix & Fortify

service restored

So (full) service has been restored?

Exhibit B: the service advisory which found its way to my inbox last Friday.

MTA service alert

Or has it?

notthefastrack

Naturally I had to share the “good news” on Facebook. A discussion/”brainstorming session” of sorts followed— but we’ll explore that in a bit.

Exhibit C: a poster gracing the Greenpoint Avenue Church Avenue-bound platform Sunday afternoon

for some trains

Confused yet? We sure as fuck were. However the Mister and I— clearly of being two very different bents— took the news quite differently:

  • The Mister, being a lover of “order” who, for example:
    • thought that bus time tables (B43 and B62 in particular) are more than very general guidelines. (I suggesting he download the live “app” for bus service, which he did, has divested him of that illusion.)
    • despite living in Greenpoint for ten years has yet to figure out one fundamental principle. This being:

The Crosstown Local, G train, makes no sense. One need not— should not— attempt to decipher what “logic” is at play regarding the G train— or the MTA in general.

Let’s just say he was distressed.

I, the chaotic “other half” to the Mister*, on the other hand said:

Bring it!

I have come to appreciate the Crosstown Local for what it is: a random and arbitrary creature. It is not unlike what appears to be the “operating model” of the NYPD (and 94th Precinct) lately— sans the body count and spurious “hate crime” charges.* This is a very significant difference. There’s no point in making sense of the G train or its “service advisories”. Just get on and you’ll end up where you need to be. Eventually. Who knows? You may get that lucky “train” that actually does not stop at Bedford Nostrand! Which brings me back to the recent “forum” regarding Crosstown Local service suspensions. It started as follows:

FBSC

Yes, I got this wrong— but something very, VERY right came out of it!

Heather: I am quietly convinced they have some kind of lottery or roulette wheel which determines what part of the G is going to be shut down at any given time.
Bitch Cakes: Heather, I actually KNOW the guy that plans all the subway reroutes/advisories. I’m surprised he would admit that in public.
Heather: I want to see this roulette wheel Bitch Cakes. Make it happen! Or do they use a Magic 8 ball? (shaking) “Will the G be running this weekend?” Bitch Cakes: seriously – I don’t understand (or envy) their job
Heather: I hear you. I had HELLA respect for those guys working on the G at all hours here. They’re not really the problem. It’s their “leadership”. OH MY GOD I HAVE IT BITCH CAKES! I will buy a magic 8 ball, paint it good ol’ G train green, place a nice big G on it and give it to the MTA so they can use it to determine service suspensions!!!
Bitch Cakes:  haha! it can’t be any worse than their current system!! In fact, perhaps you can PREDICT their schedule with the Magic G Ball!
Heather: I am doing it. Will pick up an 8 ball and some paint tomorrow…

Guess what? I DID.

materials

It’s ON!

I “locally sourced” all the required materials right here on Manhattan Avenue. Buy local! The Magic 8 Ball comes from the Greenpoint Toy Center, whose owner recognizes me now. God help him. I had a variety of “Magic 8 Balls” from which to choose. I picked the one which told me (when I inquired of it being worthy of my project):

Try again later.

That’s when I knew I had found “the one”.

primered

Primered.

Bitch Cakes: it would be great if you could get the die inside to say things like “every 30 minutes” “change tracks at bedford nostrand” “no service between BK and LIC” – you know, your usual G Train shenanigans.

stencil in place

Stencil in place.

Heather: And for shits and giggles: the dreaded “sick passenger”.

going green

The transformation has begun— albeit with some difficulty. See that green thumb? I can assure you it is only superficial. Want a plant to die? Just let me handle it.

Bitch Cakes: Yes! This is the question: “How is the G Train going to fuck up my commute today?” shake and voila! haha

getting there

Getting there…

closer still

Closer still. G is for GLITTER! I made good use of all the campaign mailers we have been receiving recently.

dysfunction

Thanks Mario ANDREW Cuomo—- but no thanks. We have our own dysfunction here.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED nys

The Crosstown Local puts the “fun” in “dysfunctional”— and this is something no elected official has not, will not, ever take away from us! When I inquired the “Magickal G Train Service Advisory Ball” if it was ready to take on the onerous task of providing answers to Crosstown Local patrons, this is what it had to say.

mostlikely

That’s the right attitude! Any and all can posit a question to this “made in China”— but retrofitted in Greenpoint— sage on Twitter. I am giving Bitch Cakes the honor of an inaugural question. After that anything goes.

Let’s shake it up!

*This is a “hate criminal” according to 94th Precinct.

artslant

Who’s gonna be next?

 

From The New York Shitty Photo Pool: (Untitled)

January 19, 2014 ·
Filed under: Bronx, New York City, Wow 

Taken by Pajarita Frenetica.

Today: The MTA Let’s One Rip…

in the war against terror.

NYDNsc

You can read this tome in its entirety here. Otherwise, I for one can only hope the Nassau Avenue stop of the G will be part of this “test”. Whatever in the way of “crotchpot cooking” from this station, by virtue of a LACK of circulation, could be very instructive. Tongue firmly in cheek:

By virtue of their neglect one could argue the MTA has a solution right under their own nose— so to speak. When a ridership becomes acclimatized to a subway platform smelling funny (READ: BAD)  it does not exactly make them conducive to reporting odd odors.

Think about it.

Coming At You From The Manhattan Avenue Kayak Launch…

June 17, 2013 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic, Wow, WTF 

Where Kayaks Probably Ain’t The Only Things Being Launched…

I had some trepidation about posting this. However, I reconsidered my stance when I thought about the MTA’s exhortation to its patrons:

If you see something, say something.

Well, Saturday night the Mister and I saw something. Now I’m saying something.

b43

Our Saturday night started as many do: a lively debate about dinner. Such things happen between a vegetarian and recalcitrant carnivore. It took some time, but this matter was settled. Afterward the Mister wanted to visit the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory— because he needed a strawberry malt. Alas, we were six minutes too late: 9:06 p.m. I suggested we swing by the Manhattan Avenue Kayak Launch so as to view the aftermath of this insanity. He agreed. That’s when we saw the above bus. We found this curious.

We proceeded to the park proper. NOTE: I am using photos taken the next day so as to better illustrate my story. If I was psychic, I would have had my camera ready and pointed. Hell, if I was psychic I’d be playing the lotto as opposed to operating this site. But alas I am not. So here we go.

manavekayalaunch6162013

This is the Manhattan Avenue Kayak Launch.

fence

This is fence which was damaged by an aspiring U-boat. WOW.

exhibita

1. Indicates where a trio of park goers were sitting and sipping coolattas Saturday night.
2. Indicates where the Mister and I were standing.

The Coolatta sippers inquired as to why this fence was in a state of disrepair. I told them. A lively discussion ensued. Then something really weird happened.

kayaklaunch

The bus driver charged with said bus exited the Kayak Launch with a female companion. We were all perplexed by this. We saw neither hide nor hair of either of them. We said nothing.

mentosNYSMe (to the Mister): She’s eating Mentos. “The Fresh Maker”. I think he just got a blowjob.
The Mister (to me): I think you’re right.

The bus driver parted ways with his female companion and commenced his rounds. I later saw him on Manhattan Avenue. I was tempted to shout:

How was the blowjob?!?

But bus drivers— especially those of the B43— get enough shit already. Let’s just say I’ll be watching the Kayak Launch more closely now— and you should too. Lest you are wondering, gentle readers, this kind of thing is not unknown here. Case in point.

PHOTO CREDITS/HAT TIP: to The Duncan Daily for the image at left.

UPDATE, June 17, 2013: A fellow named Dave writes;

as an aside – I was walking home along Manhattan Ave on Saturday night, and popped into the deli on the corner of Manhattan and Nassau.  As I was inside, a bus screeched to a halt outside.  The driver jumped out of the bus, ran into the deli and loudly asked the purveyor – “Hey, you got Mentos? …as i was leaving the deli, he held up a packet of mentos, and, looking to someone on board the bus asked “this ok?”

The Word On The Street, Part III: Special Jackson Heights/Elmhurst Edition

whatgoingon

NO

outofservice

Taken June 13, 2013.

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