Out of state, Out of mind

May 1, 2007 by
Filed under: Area 51 

Unlike my buddy Bob, I actually enjoy reading the comments posted on Curbed. This is probably because I make it a point to troll the depths of human stupidity, arrogance and avarice whenever the time affords itself. By far my favorite type of comment to be found there is of the (ubiquitous) “if you don’t like it, go back to hell where you came from” variety.

There is something grimly ironic about living in the city of immigrants and being told if you are not from Brooklyn you are not entitled to any say regarding events happening there. It makes me wish I could teleport these assholes to 1855 when ONE THIRD of the ENTIRE FUCKING BOROUGH was Irish born. I’d love to see how one of my Celtic homeboys would respond to such a crass and nativist statement, although two words do immediately come to mind: WHOOP ASS (or BEAT DOWN— take your pick).

My usual response to being told to go home is this: I AM HOME. Greenpoint is my home. Has been for some time. Although inconceivable to many, I cannot honestly imagine living anywhere else. I love it here and am genuinely worried about the events that are (sadly) reshaping this ‘hood for generations to come. Being awakened every morning by a pile driver doesn’t help much either.

That said, I was recently in the position of considering what it would be like to live somewhere else. This is because some real estate snake oil salesman (please excuse the previous redundancy) SOMEHOW got my husband’s contact information and had the temerity to mail us an offer (he thought) we couldn’t refuse…

Dear Friend,

Ocala’s unique environment is one of the major reasons why people come here to visit, and then live. According to Ocala tourism officials, those of us who live in Ocala have a number of special benefits. All the things that make our wonderful state so attractive to millions of visitors from all over the world are right here in our own backyard.

That statement is no more true about Ocala/Marion county than almost any other place in the state. Our own backyard includes Silver Springs-Nature’s Theme Park. The Ocala National Forest, the rolling green fields of horse farms, historic districts and city streets canopied by 100 year old trees, outstanding golf courses, friendly communities, crystal clear rivers and fresh water springs. Also, the sub-tropical climate makes Marion County a vacation land year round. Little wonder that residents spend as much times as possible outdoors.

Much of the region’s natural beauty remains unspoiled, and the residents enjoy a quality of life that has little equal. Here the pace of life is moderated by the tranquility of the setting. With nearly perfect weather year-round, the outdoors offers an endless panorama of natural beauty, historic landmarks, and both natural and man-made recreational activities.

The Ocala/Marion County area won national distinction when Ocala was named an “All American City” by the National Civic League, and the area was named fifth most desirable place to live by Money Magazine. Ocala offers virtually every shopping convenience with major malls and national known stores and restaurants. Yet the city is comfortable sized and easy to get around in, having maintained much of its historic charm.

In conclusion, in Ocala/Marion County there is no state taxes. This is where you can get affordable housing starting at $138,500 with little or no money out of your pocket if you qualify. Whether you are interested making Ocala/Marion County your home or a place to invest, please do not hesitate to call me now. Cell: 555-1212 or call (name excised), (name excised) or (name excised) @ 555-1313.

Please share this information-Its a great place for business.

Respectfully,

(name excised)

The first thought that crossed my mind upon reading the above ‘teaser’ was “Where the hell is Ocala, Florida?” After a little ‘Googling’, the second one was “Why the hell would I want to move there?!?” I am guessing the logic here (if there us any) is that if my husband and I pay so much money in rent to live in nasty old Greenpoint, we would be absolutely delighted to have very our own piece of the American (D)ream in Florida.

If this was the assumption, it was a faulty one; I hate Florida. The reasons are WAY too numerous to go into on this post, but the 2004 2000 Presidential Election is one of them. What’s more, I FUCKING DESPISE tract homes. The same goes for shoddy grammar. But let’s get back to my new dream home…

strong Homes

There’s something mildly disquieting about naming a line of tract homes after a water filtration system. Perhaps they seek to preserve my precious bodily fluids (so they can extract them later in lieu of a ginormous balloon payment)? Then again, maybe I am being too harsh? So let’s learn a little bit more about the paradise that is Ocala, Florida.

Per this site Ocala sports:

  • …tornado activity is slightly above Florida state average. It is 60% greater than the overall U.S. average. (No wonder they have so many ‘outdoor activities’ down there. —Ed. Note.)
  • 297 registered sex offenders (against an overall population of ~46,000). That’s kind of scary, but don’t worry…
  • when my turn comes I can take solace in the fact that my attacker will probably be a married white male:
    • 69% of the population is white
    • 48% of the population is married
  • Whew! I feel A LOT better— how about you? It gives me peace of mind to know that my odds are 1:167 for bumping into a registered sex offender when I go to the Super Walmart to buy my Ho-Hos, Pall Malls and econo-packs of YooHoo. As long as I don’t have expose my lily white soul to ‘dem godless homos (which constitute a whopping .5% of the population), I’m satisfied. (And I’m certain the only reason these sodomites are left is because they GOD ran out of kindling.)
  • My career prospects (as a female) include:
    • Preschool, kindergarten, elementary and middle school teachers (6%)
    • Secretaries and administrative assistants (6%)
    • Other office and administrative support workers including supervisors (5%)
    • Registered nurses (4%)
    • Cashiers (4%)
    • Other sales and related workers including supervisors (4%)

Wow, this is an awful lot of of material for my wee widdle (underpaid wiper of other peoples’ bottoms) brain to process! Maybe a checklist would help…

Greenpoint Versus Ocala

…and Greenpoint wins by a NOSE!

Miss Heather

Comments

3 Comments on Out of state, Out of mind

  1. Matthew on Tue, 1st May 2007 8:06 am
  2. I had to banish curbed (and brownstoner) from my internet rounds because they were causing undue stress in my life; all that bad development and the devastatingly retarded comments that defend it make my head explode. Of course I have failed miserably in avoiding both sites, and thanks to this post I have curbed open in another tab, just waiting to get me mad.

  3. missheather on Tue, 1st May 2007 8:25 am
  4. Glad to be of assistance. Speaking of bad development and retardation; I’m headed out for a bit. That pile-driver has been grinding away since 7:20 this morning and I am starting to get more than a little unnerved by it.

  5. amanda on Thu, 10th May 2007 5:16 am
  6. Had to laugh when I read this post — I was born & raised in Ocala, now living in Greenpoint. So I can speak from experience in saying that I MUCH prefer Greenpoint.

    It is a shame, though — it was a pretty quiet small town ’til the developers started buying the horse farms in the ’80s and replacing them with acres and acres of cookie-cutter houses, well-served by chain restaurants and SuperWalMarts.

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