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And the beep goes on…

May 6, 2007 by
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic 

Smoke Detector 5/6/07

In just over two hours my new electronic neighbor will have been beeping for three whole days. I cannot tell a lie: in the last 25 hours my irritation has become fascination. Not only do I want to see how long this appliance will continue chirping away, but after it stops I am going to conduct an autopsy and determine the make and model of the battery. Whatever it is, I will buy nothing else the rest of my life.

Given the previous paragraph, some very thoughtful advice tendered to me recently (by a commenter), thought greatly appreciated, is irrelevant. Not wanting to seem ungrateful, I will share it here. “Jukeboxgraduate”writes:

miss heather – you can’t rig something to pull it across the roof? or scramble across the roof to get it yourself? or leave a note on the front door of the offending building:

TO THE MORONS WHO THREW THE SMOKE DETECTOR ON THE ROOF

THE BEEPING IS DRIVING US NUTS. IF YOU DON’T TAKE IT OFF THE ROOF AND TAKE THE BATTERIES OUT, WE WILL CALL THE POLICE AND REPORT SUSPICIOUS DRUG DEALING ACTIVITY IN YOUR BUILDING.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION.

Although the above advice is pretty sensible stuff, yesterday I heard the most diabolical (and effective) means of handling a noisy neighbor problem. EVER.

My buddy, we’ll call him “John”, had some seriously noisy neighbors. They were the dreaded frat boy type who swills beer and blares music at all hours. Wishing to resolve this problem amicably, John spoke to them several times. All to no avail. This is when he got an idea. An excellent idea.

“John” proceeded to draft a terse but civil letter using the best legalese his mind could muster. The phrase “quiet enjoyment” was employed repeatedly. After printing this letter on quality bond and signing it, he added the final fiendish touch: he mailed it in an envelope he had found recently. An envelope whose preprinted return address happened to be a law firm.

The noise stopped.

Miss Heather

Comments

3 Comments on And the beep goes on…

  1. EgadsDetroit on Mon, 7th May 2007 7:05 am
  2. Is there anyway I can get a copy of this letter? I have a neighbor next door and another one across the street that could stand to have the legal shit scared out of them…

  3. missheather on Mon, 7th May 2007 7:16 am
  4. I am going to hassle him to give a copy of it. He said he would, but people get busy sometimes you know. Regardless, what he did was fucking brilliant. I am— dare I say it— envious.

  5. EgadsDetroit on Mon, 7th May 2007 7:35 am
  6. Ooh, and if he could come up with one to scare small-time dope dealers, that’d be AWESOME.

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