There but by the grace of god go I…

May 14, 2007 by
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

Or the final installment of the Smoke Detector Chronicles

Those of you who are concerned about the plight of “Beepy” the smoke detector (or the low-normal intelligence of the people who discarded him); I am pleased to report he has been rescued and now safely resides in the comfort of my humble domicile.

Climbing out the rear window(s) of my apartment is not as easy as it used to be. This is due to the fact that the landlord next door did some rather crappy construction without a permit. Then, when the fire department and Department of Buildings called him on it, he commenced to perform REALLY SHITTY CONSTRUCTION with a permit. Now I literally have to negotiate a urinal-esque trough to access the roof behind my apartment. Because this idiot didn’t account for rain, gravity and the abject filthiness of his own tenants, I had a pool of stagnant water and refuse to traipse whilest retrieving Beepy. It was gross.

Although I could bore you with the details, I would prefer to entertain you with a letter I am drafting to the manufacturer of “Beepy”…

Kidde Residential & Commercial Division
1016 Corporate Park Drive
Mebane, NC 27302

Dear Sir or Madam,

I want to testify to the resiliency and effectiveness of your “Nighthawk” combination smoke and carbon monoxide detector. My awareness of the aforementioned product was raised under the most serendipitous of circumstances: one of my neighbors unwilling, or more likely unable, to replace the back-up battery for your product left it outside their window. This came to pass on Thursday, May 3rd, 2007. This “Nighthawk” persisted to plead for a new battery for eight whole days despite being pelted with rainfall. Had I not intervened, “Beepy” (as I like to call him) would have chirped on. And on.

After a whole week of incessant beeping (and sleep deprivation), I finally slogged through the offal that inhabits my neighbor’s roof and dismantled ”Beepy”. Prior to him entering my life, I have had no smoke/carbon monoxide detector whatsoever. Much less one as plucky as “Beepy”. Despite a citation (or two) by the NYC Department of Buildings (against my landlord), nary a smoke and/or carbon monoxide detector is to be found in my apartment building. Until now. Please do not report my act of theft— or as I would prefer to call it—- “appliance liberation” to the NYPD. I was only acting in everyone’s best interests.

Moving forward, I will certainly make a point to purchase your product. The noise your “Nighthawk” made was very annoying. So much so, that the people who threw your product (“Beepy”) out the window wouldn’t open their windows until I dismantled him*. Had there been an actual fire and/or people of average intelligence to tend to your distressed device, precious human life would have been protected. “Beepy” now resides in my caring custody and he will persevere to protect again.


Miss Heather

*No worries, after I blared some music by Britney Spears they closed them again.

I do not know which is worse; the fact these people couldn’t turn this device off on their own or how long they were willing to wait until someone else did it. Then again, any person who sees fit to place this drawing in their window for all to enjoy probably espouses a different mindset than most. This thing looks like something the Manson Family would have scrawled on the La Bianca family’s living room wall. Shit.

Miss Heather


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