101 (minus a few score) Uses for a Dead Rat
Last weekend I endeavored to purchase a Metrocard from one of the machines located at the Driggs Avenue entrance of the Bedford Avenue stop of the L train. I pushed the requisite buttons, tendered my ten bucks and a new card popped out. Then I got a message stating there was an “error” and that I needed to take my person, my card and my receipt to the token booth attendant. I waited.
Getting edgy because I thought I had been gyped out of ten bucks, I went to the token booth in a huff. They tested it and everything was okay.
Now jump forward to a comment I got today. Thenextstopwillbe writes:
…exited the L at the Driggs end one day to discover that someone had stuffed a dead rat in the change chute of the Metrocard machine. It fit in there sideways perfectly.
Perhaps this is what I did wrong? Instead of anticipating a piece of paper, I should have waited for the dead rat to be dispensed. Silly me.
This dead rat concept has legs. Four of them to be exact. If New York City wants to become greener, why not start with its copious use of paper? Take parking tickets for example. I find these discarded on the street constantly. Presumably by scofflaws. Jane Q. Doubleparker might blow off a piece of paper, but I seriously doubt she’ll be very nonchalant after finding a dead rat under her windshield wiper.
The same goes jury duty summonses, Stop Work Orders, arrest warrants, birth certificates, death certificates, marriage licenses or unemployment insurance questionnaires. Save a tree and utilize one of New York’s greatest and least utilized natural resources: rattus norvegicus. Deceased.
In fact, why not bring this revolutionary movement to the private sector as well? Someone in Greenpoint already has; a few days ago I found a dead rat doormat at 294 1/2 McGuinness Boulevard. I think it was a dead rat, anyway. It could have also been Marv Albert’s toupee* after a rough night in Long Island City. Or both. Who knows?
I wonder where the bones went?
*No women or rats were bit, forcibly sodomized or coerced into threesomes during the writing of this post.