Fun with Craigslist, Part I
Yesterday I found myself taking a trip down memory lane. On Monday I asked the proprietor of The Gowanus Lounge if I could guest-author his weekly “Missed Connections” feature for the next couple of weeks. He agreed to let me do so, but admonished me that some of the stuff to be found there is pretty foul. I assured him that I was already quite prepared for the utter depravity that would be laid before me because a former hobby of mine (at my last full-time job) was putting up prank ads on this very site. A number of them made it to the “Best of” page too.
Let’s take one of my finer opuses, shall we? It is entitled “Wanted: Total Shitbag“:
Good Afternoon Gents,
In four days my boyfriend (who lives halfway across the country) will be moving in with me. He is a very nice person, too, if I say so myself.
Perhaps it’s cold feet or the jitters, but somehow I feel like part of my life has slipped me by. This is where YOU come in: I need a total scum-sucking piece of s*** to remind me how good I have it. Exercise the endless resources of your imagination and your God-given talents. In the interest of getting the ball rolling I will throw out the following suggestions:
1. I am 32, so obviously I need a man who is AT LEAST in his mid-40s. I am way too long in the tooth for anything less. If you happen to be around 32 years of age and male, be sure to remind me of this. Constantly.
2. Creepy men who like petite women with red hair and/or small chests: I have both. (WOOHOO!)
3. Creepy men who DO NOT like petite women with red hair and/or small breasts. Remind me of this continuously— especially when a taller, choicer, Maxim-esque surgically-altered morsel walks by. *Bonus points* if you yourself are an overweight sack of pus.
4. Be a lazy sack of s***: I just threw out a roommate 2 months ago that never saw fit to hold down a job or pay his bills. He also smelled like ass, but nonetheless my l’il heart STILL goes pitter pat when I recall scooping up a pair is his skidmarked tighty whities off bathroom floor or paying out $300+ on electricity bills he never paid. (sniffle, sniffle…)
5. I can pretend to have a sister or roommate, if you will pretend to screw her behind my back.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
It may not surprise some of you, but I got a lot of responses to this ad. Approximately 50 if my memory serves me correctly. Who knew there were so many shitbags in New York Shitty— much less on Craigslist?
Follows is the first installment of my favorite respondents. Those of you who harbor a low opinion of the human race please be advised that reading the following material will only provide sound justification for your misanthropy. The previous caveat having been written, let’s see us some shitbags!
A few of them got the joke and responded in kind:
I’m your man except for one small problem. If you talk the way you write I might be laughing my ass off the whole time I’m trying to convince you that your leap into committment is the most perfect move you could make right now. But you should know my laugh is one of the most obnoxious on the planet. I’m in my fifties, I’m married, and I’m cruising “women seeking men” on craigslist. That’s a decent start at shitbagdom, wouldn’t you say? I’m a screenwriter and if you think that’s a cool profession I’ll disabuse you of that notion in a few nanoseconds. I don’t wash my hands after I pee so you can be pretty certain of urine residue when we shake hands. I have endless erotic fantasies about petite women with red hair and small breasts and if you come anywhere near one of those fantasies I can promise you R. Crumb-like bulging eyes and pints of drool plus long disquisitions on how I like to masturbate thinking about petite redheads. Overweight? I’m working on it by downing endless pitchers of beer. Won’t it be helpful to have a slurring drunk talking about sports, lying about the size of his dick, leeringly going on about petite women with small tits (I won’t use the word breasts in front of you). My wife and kids are out of town for the week so I’ll be able to make you sick to your stomach with my suggestion that you and I climb in the sack and I cheat on this wonderful family. Trust me, you won’t be able to trust me for a second and you’ll realize in a flash, call it scumbag satori, that you’ve found the perfect match in Mr. Flying In From Wherever (who I can guarantee you I will dump on at every opportunity trying to prove I’m oh so much better than he is).
I could go on but you’ve got to see this one in person to get the full effect. I’m a royal nightmare to look at. And no I won’t send a pic because if you’re going to convince yourself of Mr. FIFW’s goodness due to my badness I’m at least getting you to pay for a drink or two. Others may claim they can do the job but as I said above, I’m your man. References on demand.
Max (that’s not my real name)
sweetheart. I think you touched my soul. I am in deep eyegazing, sunrise love with you and I need to take you on the date of your life. a romantic walk trough the park just to smell flowers and touch your hair. suddenly, I might stop and get on a knee to touch your bare foot to my heart.
your everlasting prince,
Even more of them got the joke— but you know what they say— HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL:
Now that is genius. Really. curiiousity does not even begin to describe it. I can be all of the above. with some inspiration. i am 37.
Very creative posting. I’m not a shitbag, but since you’re really not looking for one, we should talk. I do like petite redheads.
Others seemed to be just plain confused:
Dear miss guided…OK…not that I want to call myself a piece of shit…but I could not help but to respond to your add. I loved it. Ihave a thing for petite red heads with smalls breasts, so there is the creepy part. I can treat you badly, if you are really looking for that. Just wondering if it was a serious add. Too long in the tooth…u? come on. would love to start a dialog get back.
I don’t get this. Is it a joke? If not, what’s the goal?
I’m not too sure what this guy was thinking, but here it is anyway…
trust me they are all full of crap just trying to get laid I bet all those sissies who responded are all part of that gay army over in Chelsea lolll must be a lot of tough gay boys in this city lollllll
One kindly soul tried to save me from myself (BAD NEWS: It’s too late!)
You really need help…..Your falling off the deep end. If you are having doubts then you need to re-think this. If he cares for you and more importantly YOU care about him then give it a try. Just don`t be too dumb, remember men have needs and if you don`t treat them right they WILL wonder… TRUST ME
Stayed tuned for tomorrow’s exciting (and final) installment where Miss Heather not only learns of an exciting career opportunity, but also receives a bona fide offer for FREE HOUSECLEANING!
I’m just getting warmed up, kids.