Fun with Craigslist: Part II

August 9, 2007 by
Filed under: Area 51 

Shitbag the Human Ashtray

People can take everything away from you
But they can never take away your truth
But the question is…
Can you handle mine?

– Britney Spears

As promised, here is the second installment of of Miss Heather’s Shitbag Experience. Grab a bottle Dramamine and fasten your safety belt, it’s going to be a long and bumpy ride.

One gent proved to be very impatient.

like you ad i’m 47 a musician i’m married and would love to have some fun at your expense tonite

(Later the same day)

i’m shocked i haven’t heard from you. i’m perfect for what you are looking for. i envision our night out as- going to some cheesy bar, getting you drunk and going off to some motel in jersy with you. it will be a threesome – you me and a contianer of baby oil. or better yet your apatment where we can do all sorts of things in the places your sweet boyfriend will want to them at !! send me an email and i’ll give you my cell #

Four words: I LOVE THIS GUY!

OH PLEASE CONSIDER ME, I AM AN EQUISITE SHITBAG, VERY CLEAN, SEXUALLY MOTIVATED AND INTO FANTASIES.

I forwarded this one to a friend of mine. She loved it so much she taped to her computer monitor at work. Next to a photo of an enormous bucket of shrimp with the caption “ready for the red sauce”. I mention this because (for some reason) it seems relevant.

Two chaps knew exactly what I was “looking for/wanted”. This was very helpful given that I did not— and still don’t. I am Helen Keller sans Annie Sullivan in a world that is beyond my comprehension. It’s probably better that way. The few times I have interfaced with the “real world” it gave me the creeps. Not unlike this guy.

I am definitely interested. I’m a 25 year old doctor and I am exactly what you are looking for. write back asap

If this is what the medical profession has to offer nowadays, god help us all.

Oh, about me. 0’s WM profession, on the Dominant side sexually. I know what you want… smile……..

Oh yeah, here is the photo he sent.

0’s WM

I spent WASTED roughly ten years of my life getting abuse from 40-something year old men wearing suits. Most call it work; I call it pure unadulterated hell. At least when I worked in “Corporate America” I got paid for it, albeit terribly. Why the hell would I want to subject myself to the same kind of bullshit (doled out by the same-said type of shithead) on my free time without compensation? That’s sick; I am a masochist for pay, not choice.

Of course when all else fails (especially your self-esteem and/or personality), nothing says “pick me” like a curricula vitae/resume. If you’re trolling for whores anyway. I am not a whore. I give it away for free, hence why I am a miserable failure as a capitalist and a slut par excellence.

Hi-

Maybe I should audition for you. Here is why:

In four days, my significant other is coming back to NYC, and I feel like you do.

I love red haired women. I love freckles on them too. I love wondering if they are red all over their maps.

I remember a James Bond movie— don’t remember which one it was, but it had Sean Connery in it. He made a quip about “collars and cuffs matching”. Though course it had a certain Rabelaisian wit to it. This man is no James Bond. Then again, who the hell would expect to meet James Bond on Craigslist anyway? Unless of course it’s Daniel Craig’s list.

I love small breasts. In my face, preferably.

I’m handsome, successful, mid-forties, television producer with blue eyes, and great body. I will make you act silly, too. I will also stoke your fire, if you let me. I can also be as dirty as you want, but safe too.

All offers considered.

(OH PLEASE CONSIDER ME, I AM AN EQUISITE SHITBAG— Ed. Note)

I’m a very intelligent, handsome, middle-aged caucasin successful businessman who has recently moved into midtown New York. Although I have visited here often, I do not know anyone here, and would love to find a friend to help me explore the city.

I believe in spoiling the woman who spoils me. I am a polite gentleman, who is knowledgeable on many subjects.

My photo is attached.

A return pic, with the title of your craig’s listing, would be nice.

New York Shitty sure has a lot of “handsome” and “successful” middle-aged men in it. Who knew?

I asked for a shitbag and I get a pro bono cleaning boy instead. This world is a very strange place indeed!

Sounds like you could use a cleaning boy? I’d do all your housework for FREE. I do amazing work, and I would never expect anything at all in return. You wouldn’t have to keep me entertained or supervise me. I’d work independently like an ordinary cleaning person, except I’d work more diligently and conscientiously. I’d scrub floors, wash dishes, do windows, whatever you require. …I have a pic for trade.

I didn’t believe this guy was for real so I emailed him back. Not only will he clean your house for free, but he’s also a human ashtray. Wow.

Heather,

It would be great if you gave me the chance to clean for you. I really would do great work, and even if I’m not a shitbag, I can certainly try to fit the role. Maybe i’d even wear a sign reading “shitbag” around my neck while i scrubbed your floors and did your dishes. It’s actually very hard for me to find people to let me do their cleaning because when i offer to do it for free, they’re immediately suspicious.

On the other hand, when i’ve put up CL ads offering to clean for pay, all the responses I received were from men who wanted to pay me 20 bucks or 40 bucks to clean their apts. Well, I have no problem cleaning for free, but I have to do it for a woman or a couple. I hope you can help me out.

And I’m not only a shitbag, but I’m also a human ashtray and punching bag. Of course, I wouldn’t expect any kind of play or amusement if I cleaned for you (or your colleagues). I would just provide serious cleaning.

I also run errands, do any kind of manual labor, and do all kinds of office work (MAKE THIS MAN AN INTERN!— Ed. Note), if you have any use for those services. I’m in Brooklyn, and I have a pic, if you’d like to see it.

Shitbag the Cleaning Ashtray

I didn’t think my (now) husband would be too keen on this arrangement so I forwarded this email to a girlfriend of mine. Don’t know if she ever took his offer up, though. She won’t talk about it.

Last, but not least, I learn of an EXCITING CAREER OPPORTUNITY!

Test shoots for erotic videos….they range from Hard R -Changing clothes,posing,showering,to X -hand job or blow job to completion….On Video……Modeling is 100$,HJ is extra 50$,and BJ is extra 100$…..Make up to 200$ for half hours work….work today,get paid today….Test Shoot and will not be sold or broadcast…..respond WITH A PICTURE(need to see face and body,clothed is ok)and what you are interested in if interested….work today,get paid today……safe respectful professional 1 on 1 shooting environment with very goodlooking guy……WOMEN ONLY……..

Now let me tell you a little about my work/life situation when I received the above missive. I was working a horrid job that paid $35,000 a year. I had just thrown out a roommate who stiffed me for $900. I had to put my student loans on forbearance so I could pay his share of (overdue) rent and avoid having my electricity disconnected. I was angry. VERY ANGRY. But being the chirpy little corporate shill I was, I responded professionally.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing you to thank you for your job offer. When I placed my ad on Craigslist’s W4M personals for a “Total Shitbag” last week I had no idea that this could be the beginning of a lucrative enterprise; not only could I interface with a number of “shitbags” as I like to call them, but I could also have a considerable source of secondary income.

My boyfriend is growing rather keen on pimping me out, as I am woefully underemployed and make no better financial contribution to the household than being a tax write-off. In addition, the opportunity you offer would neither be a more unorthodox use of nor further insult to my level of education (BFA, magna cum laude, MFA) than my current situation.

Please advise me of any benefits I may receive through your employ, viz a viz, 401K, health, dental, vacation, etc. I will be delighted to send you personal and professional references upon request.

Sincerely,

Heather

And here’s what I got back.

ok……..so,if interested a picture and further definition of what part of my project you are interested in would be mandatory for us to continue foward……….

So there have you. Many women look for shitbags unwittingly. They are practicing amateurs in my eyes and the caliber of shitbag they (undoubtedly) attract reflects their ineptitude. Now let’s review what I (a seasoned shitbag specialist) was offered:

  1. oodles of creepy anonymous/suspect sex
  2. two or three sugar daddies
  3. verbal/physical abuse from a suit man
  4. free housecleaning
  5. a new career in the porn industry
  6. and probably STD or two

But alas, all I got was two crappy blog posts and a lot of laughs.

Not too bad if I say so myself. Though I am still tempted to contact the “the cleaning ashtray” on occasion.

Miss Heather

Comments

2 Comments on Fun with Craigslist: Part II

  1. lisanne on Thu, 9th Aug 2007 4:25 pm
  2. I am forced to rent a room out in my apartment and I use Craigslist. I have gotten several of those “let me clean your apartment and do your laundry and make me pay YOU”(which, is incredibly enticing) but the weirdest I would have to say the response from an “successful executive woman” who wanted me to rent the room to her husband while she was away on business and be cruel to him. He was to scrub my floor, shop for me AND my friends, laundry etc. I was encouraged to have parties and have my “girlfriends” laugh at him…we live in a twisted world indeed….i think i would be fine with it if he LEFT after he cleaned the house!

  3. Steve of Astoria on Thu, 9th Aug 2007 8:18 pm
  4. I’ve used Craigslist a couple of times (seeking an apt. share or trying to sell a car) and I coincidentally met with the folks that were under the bottom of the barrel. What’s up w/ Craig? Problem #1 and beyond – no reliable references. I guess it’s good for a laugh atleast. The human ashtray dude was my favorite shitbag. I was thinking of starting a blog or posting some of my fav-pics on Flickr but now I’ll probably be busy joshin Craig’s peeps. But what if…we’re all just joshin eachother?

    Note: the word “Joshing” will be part of my experiment because I feel it is under-used

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