Hipsters Need Only Apply

August 29, 2006 by
Filed under: (s)Hit Parade, Area 51, Greenpoint Magic 

Moving Day

I recently noticed that the “for rent” sign has been removed from our apartment building. The apartment in question has been on the market for over two months. It has had no takers (until now, anyway) because it is an overpriced piece of shit.

The landlord has offered this apartment to my husband and me twice, and both times we have declined. We would like a two bedroom apartment so we could convert one of the bedrooms into an office, but this apartment is a ‘two bedroom’ in only the most rigidly academic sense of the term. It has…

  1. two bedrooms: one was about 10′ x 12′, the other was 8′ x 10′ (READ: a glorified walk-in closet)
  2. maybe 100 square feet more than what we have now, probably less
  3. walls that looked like they have been worked over by Keith Moon and then repaired by a circus monkey on crack
  4. one closet

    And last, but not least

  5. a brand-spanking new remote controlled ceiling fan (wtf?)

The asking rent for this ‘palace’ was over $300 a month more than what we are currently paying. It was all I could to to keep from laughing in the Stupor’s face when he told me the price. He was pretty damned proud of that ceiling fan he installed and the rent certainly reflected this. To be fair, it was a very nice ceiling fan, but it looked completely out of place because the rest of the apartment was a complete and total DUMP.

I have been wondering who my new neighbors were going to be what idiot would rent this apartment. Last night I got my answer.

Around 9:00 p.m. I heard something that is music to my ears: the sound of hipsters of moving somewhere else. I like ‘moving day’ because that’s when they throw out lots of cool stuff. Items only someone with no concept whatsoever of what it is like to work for a living would throw away. Nice stuff that only requires a little ‘TLC’, like this…

Bookcase

…and this.

Lite Brite

I never knew Lite Brite even made tricked-out shit like this. The four lights even flash in tandem when you hit the button twice. Way cool! But I digress…

I peered out my window and saw a guy placing an antique lamp out with the trash. I bolted out of my apartment to grab it. When I came back, new score in hand, there was a eighteen-to-twenty year old chick talking to some dude (around the same age) who must have had at least a thousand dollars worth of tats on his arms and NECK. These “J.C. Penney Punks” (as my friend Mark calls them) were standing in front of my apartment.

Me: Excuse me.
Dude (moves, leans on my front door): Sure.
Me: That is my front door.
Dude: (moves)

*end of conversation*

P.T. Barnum has been (erroneously) credited as saying “There is a sucker born every minute”. If this is so, the 1980′s must have had more such ‘minutes’ than any decade to be had before or since. I find it fascinating that as this crappy apartment gets more (and more) ridiculously expensive, the people who rent it get younger and younger. I suspect this is because they have rich parents and do not know any better.

They will learn soon enough.

The apartment they are moving into is the ‘widowmaker’ of this building. No one has lived there for more than one year. It is Greenpoint’s very own “Room 101″— or perhaps “Room 237″ from The Shining is more appropriate— as anyone who goes in there soon wants nothing more than to get the fuck out. They arrive here as fresh-faced, arrogant upstarts and they leave with hollowed-out faces completely bereft of any trace of humanity. And after they leave the rest of us get a good laugh and descend upon all the cool stuff they left behind like the vultures we are.

I suspect this cycle will perpetuate itself again next year. In the meantime, I hope these kids get some serious money and/or gifts for Christmas because I saw their possessions as they moved in. It was a bunch of crap even I would not want. ‘Slipster shit’ if I ever saw it.

In closing, I would like to give the following Greenpoint ‘shout-out’ to all you hipsters out there. I do not mind you moving to my ‘hood. Seriously. This is because I know you will leave soon enough, and when you do, I will score some seriously cool stuff. In fact, the only thing that keeps me from stabbing most of you arrogant fucks in the gonads is the prospect of getting free shit. That’s it.

So please do me the courtesy of not moving here unless you have stuff worth taking. There are plenty very nice people elsewhere who will accept items of inferior quality. Most of these people can be found off the Morgan Avenue stop of the L train or just about anywhere off the JMZ line in Brooklyn.

Your immediate attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Miss Heather

Comments

4 Comments on Hipsters Need Only Apply

  1. emilgou on Wed, 30th Aug 2006 2:09 pm
  2. We’re neighbors, and I’m torn between supporting your sentiments wholeheartedly (my rent has gone up $50 every year I’ve lived in Greenpoint because of these exact suckers) and questioning your blanket hatred of ‘hipsters.’ Can we just say “college students” when we mean “college students?” I’m in my 20s and have tattoos, but have long been off the parental teat, have a real job, pay real bills. I’d hate to think that you’d accidentally stab me in the gonads.

  3. johnnycat on Wed, 30th Aug 2006 2:47 pm
  4. Hmmm… takes pictures of dog shit… brags about cool trash found on the street… sounds like a hipster to me.

  5. missheather on Wed, 30th Aug 2006 2:51 pm
  6. Dear Emilgou,

    I think you internalized the content of this post, and if anything, your thoughtful comment pretty much precludes you from the type of people I am talking about. It is not so much about being in your 20′s or even having tattoos, it’s about having an attitude.

    I suspect that you will agree with me when I say that this nabe is beginning to get a serious influx of people (college students and hipters alike) who engender a pronounced sense of entitlement. Truth be told, I really do not care who you are, where you come from, how much money you have, etc.; what I DO care about is plain ol’ human decency— or what old timers would call “manners”.

    For that reason, I seriously doubt I would have any problems with you, e.g., wanting to stab you in the gonads. I am not by nature a violent person. However, when “college students”/hipsters look down their nose at me, or worse, do not even acknowledge my presence altogether, I get pretty damned angry. It’s fucking rude.

    The reason I live here is because Greenpoint has some very nice people. The kind of people who will literally give you the shirt off their back if you are in need. I do not want this ‘hood to turn into just another place filled with narcissistic assholes who do not give a shit about anyone but themselves.

    Miss H

  7. missheather on Wed, 30th Aug 2006 2:58 pm
  8. “Johnny Cat”: I’m a wee bit too old to be a hipster, kiddo!

    Cool “pen name”, by the way. We have a veritable petting zoo here (felines all), so I am all too familiar with “Johnny Cat”. If cat shit were gold, I’d be a very rich woman.

    Miss H

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