Act fast! This apartment will not stay on the market long!

December 5, 2006 by
Filed under: (s)Hit Parade, Area 51, Greenpoint Magic 

As many of you know already, I was once a real estate agent. In this capacity I previewed a number of apartments: some were nice, others not so nice. Contrary to what less ethical real estate agents may tell you, a decent studio apartment can be had in New York City (Manhattan) for $1,200-$1,300 a month. I saw a number of them with my own eyes. The one thing I never saw, however, was a $1,200/month studio located in Greenpoint. Until this weekend, anyway.

Miss Heather has experienced much drama of late. My apartment woes have taken upon a life of their own. The latest manifestion of this phenomenon involves a cat. Yes, A CAT.

You see, a neighbor of ours (apartment 6) was hauled out of here by EMDs about three weeks ago. Given that she was paid numerous visits by ACS, it is probably safe to assume her child was removed from her custody. Her cat, however, proved to be another matter.

This woman gave her apartment keys to a man named George THREE WEEKS AGO with the understanding that he would feed her cat until she came back. After repeatedly trying to contact her, George gave up. She had clearly abandoned the apartment, so he gave the keys to me so I could tend to the cat and (hopefully) find her a new home.

What I discovered upon entering apartment 6 was truly appalling. Aside from some serious maintenance and health hazards, it was just plain FILTHY. Mind you, the following pictures were taken AFTER George had done some cleaning. UNBELIEVEABLE.

Garbage bags

George filled six garbage bags with trash before quitting.


This is just plain gross.

Cat box


And of course, here’s the sweet kitty* who had lived in this shitheap for weeks (months?)…


Mind you, I am not placing ANY blame with George regarding this situation. He did the best he could given the circumstances. Rather, I was horrified by the general condition of the apartment. You could tell it had been like this for a long, long time.




I think the term for this caliber of work is “Ghetto Fabulous”.

Leaky radiator

Water and electricity do not mix.

Marble flooring

I just about pissed my pants laughing at this one. I can recollect at least four different types of flooring material put to use in this apartment.

And last, but not least, here’s a picture from the child’s room…

Chipped paint

I am certain the more cynical among you are saying “I’ve seen worse”.

Perhaps this is so, but be advised that the previous defects were the only ones I could document because the place was filled to the gills in REFUSE.

The more observant of you are surely asking “What does this have to do with a $1,200/month studio apartment in Greenpoint?”

My answer is this: You just saw one.

Miss Heather

*For those of you who are wondering, she is currently testing out a new foster home and it looks encouraging. But if anyone is interested in adopting her lest this arrangement falls through, shoot me an email: missheather (at) Newyorkshitty (dot) com.


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