Shithead of the Year

December 21, 2006 by
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic 

Mr. Poopyhead

Two days ago something remarkable happened at Chateau de Ghetto: actual professionals were spotted on the premises doing plumbing work in my neighbor’s apartment. I even saw them dragging a dysfunctional toilet down the stairway.

Un-be-fucking-lievable.

I am not so naive as to think that my landlord (or the Stupor) was behind this development. I have lived in this building for four years and know better. The overall demeanor of the Stupor (worried) and his toadie (anxious) leads me to believe that someone in this building took matters into his own hands. Good for him.

Not knowing the particulars of the situation, the one thing I can safely assert is that whenever the Stupor gets that ashen expression on his face, it was precipitated by something that will make me quite happy. Getting ripped a new asshole (or being fined by one of the city’s various housing/building code enforcement agencies) is the usual catalyst for his despondent face.

I won’t lie: I derive a great deal of pleasure from his misery. This is because he is a lazy, lying fuckweasel whose ineptitude and bad attitude have made me (and a number of other tenants in this building) very unhappy on a number of occasions.

That said, after seeing a number of online solicitations for “Douchebag of the Year” I have decided to create my very own award for the Stupor: “Shithead of the Year”. What garnered him this prestigious title, you ask? Read on and find out!

Category #1: Distinguished “Workmanship”
Here are a few pictures taken after he replaced our sink (because a pipe broke and flooded our kitchen with raw sewage).

Lever

Not surprisingly, after being thoroughly saturated in murky water that area of our kitchen floor sunk. This made installing the new sink a challenge. How did the Stupe make it level, you ask? By throwing a dozen of filthy, old floor tiles under one corner! *DUH*

Uh-oh

Ghetto Kitchen

Where do you start with these two photos? Well for one thing, while our Stupor grasps the concept of a second class lever (see the photo featuring the linoleum tiles above) he is not endowed with much mental mettle when it comes to abstract reasoning. Concepts such as “time”, “space” or “planning” are incomprehensible to him.

To his credit, he did secure a real plumber ASAP to fix our busted pipe. What he did not do, however, was to TAKE MEASUREMENTS so he could purchase a cabinet that would accommodate the new plumbing. His attempt to “bring the mountain to Mohammed” netted us:

1. another water leak and

2. no hot water in our kitchen for 24 hours because he torqued the spigot so tight that even a pair of vise grips couldn’t make it budge. BRAVO!

Category #2: Rousing Rhetoric and Fuzzy Logic

To all tents

Management? WHAT MANAGEMENT?!?

On second thought… I suppose if one were to apply the kind of ‘logic’ (sophistry?) that proves that Iraq and Afghanistan are functioning democracies, this building is, indeed, ‘managed’. BADLY.

Category #3: Words Fail Me

Thus far we have reviewed the Stupor’s lack of abstract reasoning, ghetto-fabulous work and lack of proficiency in written English. While annoying, none of the previous (individually or combined) are enough to earn him the title “Shithead of the Year”. The following narrative (which I posted in the public area of our building a month ago for everyone’s edification) describes the crowning achievement which, in my humble opinion, makes the Stupor a shithead par excellance. Enjoy!

***READ THIS***

As my last tale (regarding having to turn away KeySpan 11/5/06) indicated, the Superintendent claimed not to have a cell phone. Today I discovered that nothing can be further from the truth.

You see, several months ago (July?) the landlord (Dumb) gave me a phone number to contact the Super (Dumber) so we could coordinate a time for him to work in our kitchen. The number I was given is 718-669-WXYZ.

Jump forward to September of this year.

I needed to contact Dumber, so I called this number. I got no answer, so I left a voicemail. I got no call back.

The next day I asked Dumber if he got my message. He said no. I asked him if 718-669-WXYZ was his cell phone number.

HE SAID HE DID NOT HAVE A CELL PHONE!!!

Jump forward to today, November 9, 2006. At 7:55 a.m. We got a call from Dumber. The caller i.d. indicated that this call came from, you guessed it:

718 669 WXYZ!!!

Frankly, I do not know which bothers me more:

1. The fact that he lied to me.
2. The fact that I fell for it.
3. He thought I would/could not get his phone number off our caller i.d…

-Sick of this bullshit

Way to go, Stupor! Your inability to even LIE competently (and your unawareness of caller i.d. which has been around for ages) have netted you the title “Shithead of the Year”!

You can rest assured that you are NOT getting a tip this Christmas. And although this title doesn’t have a trophy per se, I don’t want you to go away empty-handed.

One finger salute

Mazel tov!

Miss Heather

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