Miss Heather: an inspiration to today’s youth?

February 17, 2007 by
Filed under: Area 51 

Cigarette Sign

I am frequently asked why I created this blog. This is a very reasonable question. The Dog Shit Queen of Greenpoint makes periodic visits to Normalcy; enough so to understand why some might find my painstaking documentation of dog shit, bum shit (my personal favorite), chicken bones and the many other endearing qualities of my ‘nabe to be a bit odd, if not outrightly disturbing.

I have even asked myself this very question on occasion and have yet to come up with a satisfactory answer. To be certain I enjoy the ‘prestige’ my (admittedly self-created) title confers unto my person, but I suspect I am searching for something more. Fame? Fortune? A run for City Council Mayor? Only time will tell.

Recently I made a discovery that frankly made feel a little touched (in the heart, mind you, not in the head— where I am constantly ‘touched’). I was poking around my blog when I discovered a new incoming link. Being an inquisitive person, I checked it out and was astonished with what I found. A teenage girl in Flushing, Queens seems to have been inspired by my rogue activities and has started a blog of her own:

let me give you a little insight into my world and my what goes on in it. i live in the old italian infested portion of queens known as flushing, more commonly known for the ridiculous amount of asians, but i digress. we don’t do much here, not by choice but because there’s nothing to do. i have a close group of friends. we are, inevitably at times, the obnoxiously loud teenagers you wanna take a machete to. we then bash other, more obnoxiously loud people. it’s quite fun. i have a family, they’re quite loud and disfunctional. there are days i want to kill them all, but thats how family is: can’t live with em, can’t live without em. life is complex, i realize that and i think about it often: all the aspects of it. and i guess that’s what thats what i’ll really write about. i don’t think this will be as funny as Miss Heather’s www.newyorkshitty.com, my inspiration for this blog. but i promise i’ll try to make it something worth reading. that’s all for now.

Whoa! I have no doubt that when these words were written hell froze over. Or pigs started flying. Or George W. Bush got a brain. (Take your pick.) I may or may not be the best role model to be had for today’s youth, but it makes me VERY happy to see that I have motivated someone to start writing. And when I read her blog this morning I realized that this is a very good thing: she’s fucking hilarious. I particularly enjoyed her “About” statement (which appears to have since been excised):

life as a teenager in new york city…cuz we’re not all assholes

I would like to take this moment to go on the record and state that I never found teenagers to be assholes. Not in any more significant numbers than the general population anyway. In fact, I sort of envy them; they can get away with a lot more shit than so-called ‘adults’. This is undoubtedly a sign of my own immaturity and I can live with that.

Follows is a little story a good buddy of mine sent me recently featuring some more (admittedly deliquent and less witty) examples of today’s youth. Enjoy!

I don’t even know why i’m bothering to write this because I can’t do it justice, and it’s going to end up being one of those ‘you had to be there’ things.

But it’s still a good story.

I’m on the way home from work (at a decent hour mind you)–just chillin’ and reading my magazine. The train is crowded and I’m lucky I got a seat. Even so I’m sitting between other people with thick coats to bundle up against the cold, so I’m kind of squished and holding my magazine at a slightly awkward angle.
Suddenly a fight breaks out a few feet away. I can’t see it because of the crowd, but I can hear it because of the piercing trash talk–it’s coming from a group of innebriated 13 year old hispanic girls.

Straight out of a TV show: bitch I’m gon’ kick your ass, you comin out your mouth like that to me! I ain’t gon be disrespected.

All the guys look on with interest, the women try to ignore it. Suddenly there’s a bunch of jostling and the trash talk and it is getting louder–because it’s approaching. Someone gets up next to me and stomps off down the car with a “I can’t take this shit” air. So what happens? Two of the girls’ friends drag their hyped up little asses down, slam them down next to me and then sit on them. They are screaming.

“Shut the fuck up you are not going to fight her!”

“The fuck I ain’t!”

“I’m telling you you ain’t cuz you fight her I’m ‘onna wind up in jail tomorrow morning, fuck that shit. SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

(Piercing 13-year-old screeching ensues.)

This goes on for a bit. With the fighting girls pretending to be calm and saying “hold this bag. It has my money and my cell phone. Hold it for me.

I am calm but I’M GONNA KICK HER MOTHER FUCKING ASS! I’M GONNA TAP DANCE ON HER FACE LIKE SHE WAS FUCKING ROACHES!”

I started giggling at this point, so they start hamming it up for more attention. I keep reading my magazine and start emitting calm vibes.

Next thing you know one of the fighting girls is leaning her head on my shoulder. One of the caretaker friends says “bitch quit leaning on that lady’s shoulder she dont’ like you. Oh wait, yes she do, cuz you look white.” They start giggling but they all calmed down.

It was a New York moment.

Ah, the lost pleasures of youth…

Miss Heather

Comments

3 Comments on Miss Heather: an inspiration to today’s youth?

  1. angie abaddon on Sat, 17th Feb 2007 10:28 pm
  2. i thought i was fucking hallucinating when i read this, it’s so awesome for you to mention me like that. thank you soo much!

  3. missheather on Sat, 17th Feb 2007 11:15 pm
  4. No, thank you!

    I laughed my ass off at your 2/15 post. My husband did too.

    I have no idea what teenagers are up to anymore (for the simple reason that I have long ceased to be one), but I liked your piquant take on things. You also have a much better command of profanity than I did at your age. Congrats!

    When I was raised in Texas the c-word (cunt) was underheard of. My father (unintentionally) taught me everything else. That’s why I never got in trouble for my outbursts: my mother thought it would hypocritical to punish me for using ‘language’ I had learned from her own husband (dear old dad).

    As it happens, the first ‘nabe I lived in (as a bright-eyed optimistic art student in NYC) was Morris Park, Bronx. So when you made a passing mention of attending a “Guido Convention”, I totally understood. Everytime I find myself grousing about living in Greenpoint I think about my Morris Parks days. ;)

  5. angie abaddon on Sun, 18th Feb 2007 11:02 am
  6. haha, thank you very much. you sound very new york, i’m suprised to hear you grew up in texas. i guess it doesn’t take much time to morph into a new yorker once you move here though.
    as for my command of profanity, i got that all from my mom and her friends, being that by the time i was 3 years old and had a general grasp of what they were saying they were 18 and couldn’t do much in the way of censoring what they’d say. and of course, my step father, who when i brought home a report card with all As would respond with “good shit”. it’s merely a way of life.
    i love how you describe greenpoint. one of my best friends is polish and always tells me about greenpoint, but hearing your interpretation is equally hilarious.
    anyway, i look forward to reading more here, i’ll check back soon!

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