Anniversary Present, Mr. Heather Style

November 6, 2008 by
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

My husband espouses a very interesting approach to gift-giving. I learned this very early on when I received my first Christmas present from him:

a Hello Kitty jewelry box which plays “Everything Is Beautiful”. I did my best to conceal my disappointment. I failed miserably.

Mister Heather:

You’re always misplacing your jewelry, I thought this would be helpful.

I tried out of sheer guilt, dear readers, to use this item. It didn’t work out for two reasons:

  1. The Tupperware bowl I keep my cache of paste in works just fine.
  2. The aforementioned Tupperware bowl does not play an insipid song by Ray Stevens every fucking time I open it.

I really dislike Ray Stevens, folks. So you can imagine my dismay after willfully and deliberating leaving this jewelry box open (so as to run down the hand cranked music box) only to hear THAT RAGE-INDUCING SONG every damned time I opened it. I finally broke down and asked the Mister about it. Here’s his reply:

I noticed it was not playing music (when you open it) so I have been winding it up for you.

I took a deep breath, explained to him that I had let the music box on this item run down on purpose and requested that he please refrain from winding it. I felt like an ungrateful shitheel for doing this but I really couldn’t handle listening to that syrupy sweet song. It would have been like me giving him a humidor that cranks AC/DC whenever he opens it.

Nonetheless the Mister learned a very valuable lesson that year: trying to organize me is futile. All it does is confuse me and piss me off. Best to leave well enough alone. Ever since then he has endeavored to redeem himself. And this wedding anniversary he did.

Aside from asking for a cookbook I didn’t expect anything in the way of a present. Needless to say I was pleasantly surprised and a little nervous when I was told:

You’ll be getting something else too. It’ll come in the mail. You’ll really like it.

It arrived in the mail yesterday. He was so eager for me to see it he grabbed a pair of scissors, voraciously tore away the packaging and showed it to me.

He immediately misconstrued my dumbstruck expression as being one of disappointment:

I looked very hard to find this. It has scenes in it that were excised from the American release like when she has sex with the statue and when Grandier gets disemboweled.

I told the Mister I very much appreciated his present and his gift-picking ability has greatly improved. I assured him the expression on my face was one of shock, not disappointment. I then proceeded to explain to him that a restored copy of Ken Russell’s The Devils struck me as being the weirdest damned thing to give one’s wife on a wedding anniversary imaginable. He couldn’t understand why I felt this way.

Needless to say I can hardly wait to see what he gets me next year. Thanks Mister Heather!

Miss Heather


One Comment on Anniversary Present, Mr. Heather Style

  1. rheingold on Thu, 6th Nov 2008 8:12 pm
  2. “Everything Is Beautiful” doesn’t even make it into the Top Ten of Ray Stevens Dreck. Just be glad it doesn’t play “Ahab The Arab.” Or “Guitarzan.” Or “The Streak.” Or “Take Care of Business Mr. Businessman.” Or “Shriner’s Convention.” Or “Harry The Hairy Ape.” Or “Bridget The Midget.” Or “Osama Yo’ Mama.”

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