How To Win Friends & Influence People In Greenpoint
AKA: Metallicans 1:3
KNOW YOUR METAL
Oh, Greenpoint! How I do love thee? Let me count the ways… Actually there are too damned many to count so here are two:
- Where else in New York City can you buy groceries on a Sunday morning while listening to “Unchained” by Van Halen? The Garden Spot’s very own Garden, that’s where!*
- What I witnessed last night at a certain wine store on Manhattan Avenue** after meeting a good friend for dinner.
I walked into the aforementioned establishment to hear the Manager (?) and two other chaps (employees???) singing along to the music playing in the store. Suffice it to say it was NOT Lawrence Welk. The fourth gent (rounding out this quartet) then proceeded to make a major faux pas by asking:
Who is this?
The singing stopped. An air of stifling silence (save the music) and breached etiquette overtook the room. I, the outsider, decided to break the ice:
It’s Metallica, isn’t it?
Metallicans #1-3 (in no particular order): (sighs of disgust) DUH! It dates from 1986.
Gent #4: (starts to sputter an explanation —but sensing futility —stops)
Me: I don’t know which album this is, but this is definitely Metallica.
Head Metallican (to me): You know those jokes they make about Polish people?
Me (getting a little nervous): Yeah.
Head Metallican: This man (pointing to Gent #4) is 110% Polish.
I’m not too sure what it takes to be Polish in Greenpoint anymore. My surname, I have been told, is “too Lithuanian” to make the grade. What’s more my knowledge of Metallica is apparently too good.
I had some trepidations at first about posting this incident but then I thought the better of it. If you can’t laugh at yourself and bust someone’s chops in good humor (over Metallica, no less) would life really be worth living? Think about it.
*Which I took great delight in singing along the following passage (with the requisite Diamond David Lee Roth moves— inasmuch as is possible in a grocery store) much to Mr. Heather’s chagrin:
Woo-hoo! Take a look at this!
Hey man, that suit is you!
Whoo-whee! You’ll get some leg tonight for sure!
Tell us how you do! Hoo hoo hoo!
(Come on Dave, gimme a break)
Hey hey hey hey! One break, comin’ up!
**With features a certain VERY phallic vodka bottle in the window.