From The New York Shitty Inbox: Missing Something?

More specifically: has anyone lost a “valued-added” pair of green sweatpants and consequently any remaining shred of human dignity? If so, worry no more (at least not about the pants). Someone has found them near the White Castle on Metropolitan Avenue! Via Craigslist:

Two nights ago I found a pair of green sweatpants with blue boxer briefs inside. Both the undies and the sweats had been defecated upon, then possibly dragged for several meters before being discarded alongside of the road. The nearby White Castle suggests that an explosive bowel movement took place shortly after the consumption of numerous jalapeno sliders and buffalo chicken rings. The victim, possibly wearing a long jacket or sweater capable of hiding their genitalia, proceeded to strip down their shit-stained trousers and continue walking like nothing ever happened.

If this sounds eerily similar to what happened to you at 4:30 AM this past Saturday and you care to reclaim your filthy sweats and undies, please contact the above email address. And shame on you.