Miss Heather’s Commandments for Riding the B61 Bus
Not too long ago my gal pal over at 11222 was generous enough to assemble some general guidelines for patronizing the B61 bus. Although I found what she wrote both amusing and informative, I would be remiss if I didn’t go on the record and state that I disagree with her on a number of points. With the previous in mind, I have designated Eight Holy Commandments for riding the B61 bus. Here they are.
1. Thou shalt consider the bus as your home away from home and behave accordingly. No behaviour— however repulsive or obnoxious as it may be— should be considered “off limits”. This includes:
- Clipping one’s toenails or plucking hairs off one’s upper lip or chin (The latter is applicable to women only, sorry guys!)
- Feasting upon fragrant foodstuffs such as fried chicken, french fries, or pizza. For extra “bus cred”, be sure to discard the container on the floor. Remember: THIS IS YOUR HOME. Treat it accordingly.
- Making out with your boy/girlfriend. Contrary to what some uptight bus riders will tell you, most of us revel in watching your foreplay. It saves us a lot of money that would otherwise be spent renting pornography.
2. Thou shalt conduct telephone conversations of a very personal nature on the bus.
- Did you pick up a hooker in Hunter’s Point who let you bang her twice for a mere $300? Don’t keep it to yourself, call your best buddy and tell him all about it!
- Did your boyfriend fuck around with your best friend’s cousin’s little sister? Don’t bottle up all that anger: get on the phone and let it out. We want to know how you put this lying ass dog in his place. Besides, hearing FAWK YOU AND FAWK YOUR STOOPID FAWKING BULLSHIT! bellowed at 100+ decibals makes an otherwise dull commute much more provocative.
3. Thou shalt treat the bus as your personal dating service/brothel. Why outlay mad money on EHarmony or Nerve when a mere $2.00 gives you a captive audience of lovely ladies to choose from? If you even suspect that girl sitting in the back with the thousand mile stare was at a party you went to eight months ago, get out of your seat and endeavor to get into those pants. If she tells you she’s not interested, rest assured that means “maybe”. Keep talking. And talking. If this tease didn’t want your manhood she would have taken a taxi home instead.
4. Thou shalt be completely unprepared when you board the bus. Do not have your Metrocard ready— or better yet, have four or five Metrocards and not know which one has money on it. If you are feeling particularly frugal, make sure NONE of the Metrocards in your possession have money on them, as this will probably get you a free ride. It is a fact of B61 life that no matter how jam-packed the bus is, no one will have quarters to break your one dollar bills.
5. If thoust happens to be non-English speaking and deaf, thou shalt only ride the bus whilest completely inebriated, preferably when large numbers of horny party-goers are headed home. After being admonished by the bus driver to sit down, do so. After about ten seconds of being seated, stand back up. Repeat cycle. Your fellow patrons will thank you for this. Especially the ones who are on second or third base at the back of the bus.
6. Thou shalt have proper hygiene when riding the bus: none whatsoever.
7. Thou shalt get thy $2.00 worth by any means necessary:
- Feel free to carry any and all oversized items you desire on the bus. Bicycles are especially welcome.
- If you are a man, feel free to spread those legs open and air out that nutsack. The smell of your crotchpot cooking makes us girls HOT. If any woman tells you otherwise, she’s being a cooze.
- Be sure to prevent people from entering and exiting the bus. If John Q. Hipster wants to get off at Bedford Avenue badly enough, he’ll find a way.
- Handicapped seating is there for your non-handicapped enjoyment. Screw that old bag of shingles with the walker. That bitch is getting is living large off those phat social security benefits. Standing for 45 minutes will show her who’s boss.
8. Thou shalt be totally and utterly clueless. Why bother reading a bus or subway map when you have 30-40 bus patrons to do your thinking for you. If you happen to be from Manhattan be sure to:
- piss and moan ad nauseum about having to come out to Brooklyn to attend some party, art opening, etc. Keep us Brooklynites in our place.
- ask everyone within earshot if this bus “will get you to Manhattan”. When someone gives you an answer you do not like (READ: “no”) keep asking until someone gives you one more to your liking. This is a win/win situation for everyone involved; we get a chuckle at the thought of you being stranded in Red Hook at 2:30 in the morning and you get an exercise in human survival.
I do hope the above rules are helpful to all you current, soon-to-be and wannabe B61 enthusiasts. Do not hesitate to shoot me an email if I missed anything. There will be a special prize conferred upon the person who comes up with the most piquant addition to the above commandments.