New York Shitty Day Ender: Miss Heather Does A Good Deed

October 14, 2009 ·
Filed under: Boobification, Bum Shit, Dung of the Day, Manhattan, Other Shit 

Today, dear readers, I did something I rarely do: go to the movies. This much-needed bit of recreation entailed me doing something else I do not do very often: going to Manhattan. Murray Hill, no less. (What can I say? I find Woody Harrelson brandishing firearms irresistible.)

Anyhoo, after deciding in favor of getting a little walking in I got off at the 1st Avenue stop of the L. As I proceeded further north I began to realize I was not in Greenpoint anymore. I felt uncomfortable. People were staring at me. Thankfully, at 24th Street I saw something that made me feel right at home.

pay phone

As you are all too aware I have a “thing” for pay phones. I cannot pass one without looking at it. The above example was no exception.

INCOMING

Incoming ordnance at twelve o’ clock!

damn

Crikey, Verizon took a direct hit!

After I took the above photograph a livery cab pulled up beside me and a 40-something gentleman made a bee line for this telephone.

Me: Dude!
40-something Gentleman: (picks up receiver)
ME: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!
40-sG: (turns around)
Me: Don’t use that pay phone! Someone took a shit on it!!!
40s-G: (slowly turns around and, after noticing that someone has indeed despoiled said pay phone, let’s it slide from his hand.)
Me: That’s why I was taking photographs of it. SOMEONE SHIT ON IT!
40s-G: Thank you! Thank you! (starts heading back to livery cab)
Me: No problem. Do me a favor, okay?
40s-G: What?
Me: Please wash your hands as soon as you can, okay? I mean, someone SHIT on that phone. God only knows what else is on there we can’t see.
40s-G: I will, thank you!

With that closing remark and the slam of a cab door he was on his way. And I was on mine. Which brings me to what I found two blocks later.

condomphone

Miss Heather

P.S.: I felt so good about my good deed today I decided to make a little detour and purchase myself a treat!

bodhiandtheboobs

That’s right, kids. Project: Boobification is back! Methinks I’ll name the left one “Bill” and the right one “Mike”!

Boobification Photo Du Jour: Finished At Last!

February 11, 2009 ·
Filed under: Boobification, Greenpoint Magic 

In two short months my father, Pa Heather, will be coming to town. Although I am very pleased at this most auspicious (and long overdue) development it also means I will be spending a significant amount of time taming the clutter beast that is Chez Shitty and motivating the Mister to finish a few household projects. Like so many of his male brethren, the Mister has issues with follow-through. I try to be understanding about this (after all the man works his ass off) but after some point I have to cry foul.* Today is that day.

EXHIBIT A

hole

This is our bathroom ceiling. After living with clogged bathtub drain for FIVE YEARS (and bailing out used bath water via their toilet) our upstairs neighbors finally pressured our landlord into fixing it. This came to pass almost two years ago. And for almost two years I have had to look at this eyesore while taking a bath.

EXHIBIT B

bedroom

This is our bedroom. Back in 2003 I decided to give it a paint job. Not possessing the brute strength needed to move our captain’s bed by myself I asked the Mister to give me a hand. I am still waiting.

Nothing irks Miss Heather’s “type a” sensibilities more than when someone leaves something half-finished (or half-assed). So you can imagine my dismay when I encountered the following on Greenpoint Avenue today.

paulrichard1nys

One year is more than enough time to finish this piece.

I thought to myself. I may not be strong enough to move furniture or tall enough to repair my own bathroom ceiling— but I am more than capable of finishing this piece of art work. So I did.

paulrichardboobifiednys

Behold the boobification of Paul Richard! I did this at around 4:00 p.m. today. I was so pleased with the result I autographed my “girls” and left them there.

Is this the end of my boobification project, you ask? Not by a long shot. After walking the streets of Brooklyn, Manhattan, and yes, Queens, my girls were starting to look a little rough. I may not have had the pleasure of being born in this fine city but I have lived here (and walked around the Upper East Side) long enough to know what to do when one’s snack trays have lost their youthful perk: buy a new pair.

Miss Heather

P.S.: All you Sesame Street and art enthusiasts out there will be pleased to know I have embarked upon the completion of The Passion Of Big Bird.

*This is satire. I’m not really that angry.

Boobification Photo Du Jour: Racked At The Gutter

January 11, 2009 ·
Filed under: Boobification, Williamsburg 

Yesterday a few of my friends and I whiled away the day bowling. We paid for two hours thinking (in our naivete) they’d let us finish the second round. They didn’t. They cut us off. Nonetheless before they tossed us out my buddy over at Bad Advice achieved her dream: cracking 100.

You’re a 300 (or whatever they consider to be a perfect score) in my book! As are the other wonderful Greenpoint, Williamsburg, “East” Williamsburg friends who ventured out to celebrate my birthday. Thank you!

Otherwise I saw fit to leave my calling card at the Gutter. I like to call it “Racked In Black”.

Miss Heather

Reader Question Of The Day

December 9, 2008 ·
Filed under: Boobification, Manhattan 

Questions are always welcome here at New York Shitty. Feel free to leave them in my comments or send ’em via email at missheather at newyorkshitty dot com. All I ask in return is to please be patient and civil. Sometimes finding/word-smithing a decent answer takes time. Otherwise I occasionally get my fill of the Interwebs (or my offline life interferes) and I need to take a break. The previous having been said I was recently queried about “my girls” (as seen above cavorting with a few balls at Leisure Time Bowl).

Jaxjags08 writes (in regards to this post):

Glad to see the boobs are back! I missed them so much! Good question about where DO you keep these things stashed?

toremember approached me with a similar query. It was follows:

how do you travel with these babies? do you keep them stashed in a bag or do you let them get some air?

This is an excellent question. Listen up dear readers because I am only going to answer this question once. HERE AND NOW.

Toting around an additional pair of “snack trays” did present yours truly with a challenge. After all, my “natural set” are affixed to my person. They are also more than happy to go “free range” or be contained in the expansive environment of an American Apparel baby rib bikini bra size XS.

Go ahead and call me a hipster. They’re cheap, they’re comfortable and best of all they’re 100% cotton. What’s more, under wires were made for a certain type of person. At a whopping “aa” cup I am not that person. If I so much as sneeze I can assure you such a contraption would poke my eyes out. But back to the holder of my other boulders.

I tried a number of means of carrying them. A plastic grocery bag proved to be too transparent. My backpack was a bit stifling (wrinkled tits, I think NOT!). I had two big learning curves ahead of me. Trial and experimented I did. Over and over. Then the obvious solution came to me. And true boobification prevailed.

A BRA: DUH!

Brassieres for against Bolshevism!

Miss Heather

Brooklyn Boobification Photos du Jour: Navy Yard Style

November 17, 2008 ·
Filed under: Boobification, Clinton Hill, Navy Yard 

Today I decided on a lark to knock around the Brooklyn Navy Yard. Sensing that there may be opportunities for boobification present at this location I packed the girls and hit the road. My instincts were on target.

Steuben Playground

Nestled next to the BQE between Flushing Avenue and (what else?) Steuben Street this park is named after a Prussian army officer and who was a general in the American Revolution: Baron Friedrich Wilhelm Ludolf Gerhard Augustus von Steuben. He made a number of contributions to the Continental Army but follows (courtesy of US History dot org) is my personal favorite:

Another program developed by Steuben was camp sanitation. He established a standards of sanitation and camp layouts that would still be standard a century and a half later. There had previously been no set arrangement of tents and huts. Men relieved themselves where they wished and when an animal died, it was stripped of its meat and the rest was left to rot where it lay. Stueben laid out a plan to have rows for command, officers and enlisted men. Kitchens and latrines were on opposite sides of the camp, with latrines on the downhill side. There was the familiar arrangement of company and regimental streets.

I know what you’re thinking:

If this man advanced what it is now known as the “don’t shit where you eat” policy, why are there two boars gracing the park which bears his name?

Here’s the answer per the New York City Parks Department:

In 2000, Steuben Playground underwent a comprehensive $938,000 reconstruction funded by Council Member Mary Pinkett. The improvements included the replacement of an asphalt ballfield with picnic tables and a horticultural area. The park’s open grass area was landscaped, the handball wall and court were reconstructed, new basketball backstops were added, and new exercise equipment was installed. In addition to the two new pieces of boar-shaped animal play sculptures, a new steel fence was added around the jogging area, new concrete game tables were installed, and two animal art sculptures of boars were added. The wild boar, native to Europe, is a reminder of the foreign origins of a great American military leader.

For the record these boars already have teats (go and see for yourself). But for $938,000 they didn’t seem “grand enough” so I augmented them. The cost: $0.00.

Hall Street at Park Avenue

All things considered there wasn’t too much that tickled my titular fancy. However, this bus shelter for the B61 made the grade.

This Bebe advertisement has been getting on my nerves for some time. So I finally decided to boobify this fine specimen gracing a B61 bus stop next to the BQE. My act of art-making was met with the approval of a young man shooting hoops at adjacent Washington Hall Park: he gave me two enthusiastic thumbs up.

Washington Hall Park

When all else fails playgrounds never cease to provide ample fodder for boobification. Just take this seal. Methinks I will have to swing by here next summer with a retrofitted solo tit and get some lactation going.

Unbeknownst to me a parks employee watched me execute this one. He didn’t seem upset in the least. In fact I think he found it amusing.

And this, dear readers, concludes my latest installment of Brooklyn boobification!

Miss Heather

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