Dog Shit Diva Fit

August 30, 2007 by
Filed under: Crappy Customer Cavalcade 

28 days.

Every 28 days I wake up and wonder why I feel like shit.

Every 28 days I rummage for feminine hygiene products only to find that after the last 28th day I forgot to buy them. Damn.

Every 28 days I am one angry-ass bitch.

Guess what?

The Executive Washroom

Today is day 28!

I head down to the junk shop and discover that my “area” was thoroughly wrecked. This pissed me off to no end. While usually very territorial in nature, I do not harbor the least bit of imperialist ambition to overtake the junk store. It would be too much work. Rather, all I seek is to have my ten square feet of shelf space left alone. Was it left alone? No it wasn’t. It was trashed.


That’s how I announced my arrival to work today. And this outburst pretty much sums up my entire day.

4 1/2 hours of men ordering me around like I was their maid:

  • Hey lady, I want…
  • Hey lady, how much for this?
  • HEY WOMAN, I want this and this and this… (pointing to items stowed away on shelves well beyond my reach. Even with a ladder.) I’m goin’ the the ATM. “The manager knows me.” he said. “Yeah, fuck you.” I thought.


4 1/2 hours of me saying “EXCUSE ME?” whenever one of the aforementioned cretins spoke to me in a manner I found disrespectful. I gave them a blank stare until they:

  • shut up
  • said “please”
  • or “thank you”

4 1/2 hours of cursing under my breath while picking up:

  • spit balls
  • various repulsive items (a wad of chewed gum adhered to a pair of nail clippers was by far my favorite) because I couldn’t take it anymore.

I am the Dog Shit Queen of Greenpoint. In this capacity I preside over all things shitty, be they located in Greenpoint or elsewhere. I am not a receptacle designed to collect piss and shit from the incontinent asses of babies (of all ages). If I was, that would make me a diaper. And a diaper diva I am decidedly not. I care not to be the Maria Callas of crap collecting.

Today I was the receptacle for a number incontinent assholes. I did not like it the least bit, either. If these men want someone to wipe their asses, they should call their mothers. Or a diaper diva. Not me.

Miss Heather

Photo Credit: Miss Heather

The above photo is of the bathroom at the junk shop. Here are a few more pix…

Left View

Left view.

Right View

Right View: where the garbage can used to be. But its memory remains.


6 Comments on Dog Shit Diva Fit

  1. rowan on Fri, 31st Aug 2007 11:43 am
  2. you need to be bought a large margarita. i sympathize, my fellow chick.

  3. missheather on Fri, 31st Aug 2007 12:02 pm
  4. As it would happen, this post is a result of drinking said cocktail.

  5. lisanne on Fri, 31st Aug 2007 1:13 pm
  6. If men got their periods you’d have the day off paid…also tampons would be free.

  7. missheather on Fri, 31st Aug 2007 2:05 pm
  8. The following happened to a friend of mine and it pretty much says it all. She had a regular booty call. One time when they were hanging out he wanted to “get busy”. She said she wouldn’t because she was on her period. Here’s his reply:

    If you loved me, you’d give me a blow job.

    She said she didn’t love him and he was most decidedly NOT going to get a blow job.

  9. deadzebra on Fri, 31st Aug 2007 4:22 pm
  10. if he loved her, he’d go down for a blood `stache

  11. missheather on Fri, 31st Aug 2007 4:35 pm
  12. Right on. That man ain’t stopping until his face looks like a cherry danish.

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